Weakly Retort

PsychoAg joins us again for another edition of the Weakly Retort. A fan favorite since 2005, the Retort takes a light-hearted look at the college football landscape, with a specific emphasis on the Big 12.


Okay, a little explanation is in order. I caught a ton of heat via email this week for picking Kansas in a lopsided victory. This was a bit of inside humor, as it seems that every time I pick Tech to lose, they win and every time I pick Tech to win they squeak by. I had several people over the course of the last few weeks asking me to always pick against Tech because they play better. I was just trying to help you guys out.

Man. That is the shortest introduction since that guy who took the podium and began "And now for all of the reasons you should write-in vote for our next guest, Dennis Kucinich."

20/20 Hindsight

Madlib: 1. Action Verb. 2. Adjective. 3. Noun

Texas 28 - Oklahoma State 24

My prediction: Texas 42 - Oklahoma State 28

This game was much closer than anyone expected and for once it was the defense that stepped in to save the day for the Longhorns. Colt McCoy had a career day, throwing for 391 yards, but yards don't always translate into points, especially when you give the ball away, as turnovers kill football drives much in the way that really jiggly butts kill sex drives. Not surprisingly, the Longhorns made it through the game with only ONE penalty for ten yards. I'm not a conspiracy theorist (unless you count the illuminati) but you cannot chalk this up to discipline by Mack Brown. These are the same guys that steal TVs, wear wedding dresses, buy Visine and Doritos by the bushel, and show up at more post offices than "Tom" shows up on myspace pages. I'm not saying, I'm just saying. The Big XII sees its number one ranked cash cow and they aren't going to let it get barbecued just yet.

Texas Tech 63 - Kansas 21

My prediction: Kansas 41 - Texas Tech 14

Everyone was wondering how Tech would pass the road test against Kansas. Well, not only did they pass the test, they rolled in to the Jayhawks own stadium and smacked them around like a faulty garage door opener. After the game, Kansas Coach Mark Mangino said "Here's the reality of it. We got a good old-fashioned butt-whipping today and we know that." And let me tell you, when you are Mark Mangino, that is one hell of a lot of whipping. Makes Indiana Jones look like a timid dominatrix. I have no idea what that means, but I'm leaving it in. Matt  Williams, the student who garnered national attention by kicking a field goal to win free rent leading to a chance to walk on as Tech's kicker, made all nine of his extra points. This time he won a wedgie and a free taping to the goalpost.

Oklahoma 58 - Kansas State 35

My prediction: Oklahoma 46 - Kansas State 17

The Sooners continue to pound anyone without a burnt orange faux-uterus on their helmets. The first half had all of the drama of a wrasslin' match. The evil Sooners jumped out to a 21 point lead. But the helpless underdogs came back to tie it. Then the boys from Norman ripped off 27 more points to take an insurmountable halftime lead. The crowd waited for something big to happen in the second half. Anything really. Nothing? Not even Terrence Newman running out of the locker room with a steel chair? No. Just a touchdown on a five yard run and a Sooner field goal. The Wildcats actually outgained the Sooners as Sam "The Eyes No Matcho Man" Bradford had his worst game of the season. But three interceptions and two fumbles from the Wildcats left this one as what we in the wrestling industry called a "squash". You know the kind of match where the announcers spend all of the time talking about something else just to keep interest? Yeah, hope you went and bought some popcorn and one of those foam middle fingers during the second half.

Missouri 58 - Colorado 0

My prediction: Missouri 38 - Colorado 7

Oh, good grief. The Tigers roar back from irrelevance by ending their two game skid and shutting out the Buffali to pull themselves back into a tie for first in the Big XII North. After taking their beating from Big XII South bully Texas last week, the Tigers decide to pick on someone half their own size (not literally). Chase Daniel is near surgical as he completes 31 of 37 for 302 yards and five touchdowns. Chase Coffman hauled in 7 passes to set a Division I record at his position, and proving that Daniel really does appreciate a tight end, as he proved to Kirk Herbstreit when sizing up Colt McCoy

Nebraska 32 - Baylor 20

My prediction: Baylor 34 - Nebraska 28

Yeah, I read through all of the game descriptions and box scores on this one, and there was nothing really interesting. So you know what that means? That's right, MADLIBS, B*TCHES. I'm really glad that instead of watching this game, I decided to spend 3 hours helping my neighbor his . I mean after all, what are friends for? I'll tell you who else could have used some help is that Baylor quarterback who went a mere 9 of 12 for 134 yard. Not very Big Twelvey of you is it, Mr. Griffin?

Texas A&M 49 - Iowa State 35

My prediction: Texas A&M 28 - Iowa State 17

Aggie Quarterback Jerrod Johnson decided to join the parade of gaudy Big XII passing numbers by connecting on 31 of 39 for 381 yards and four touchdowns. This is something that hasn't been seen in Aggieland for a while after Franchione's shift to the option offense. Still, it was Iowa State. Like eating the last of the Cracklin' Oat Bran, there really was no defense. Each team racked up over 500 yards and the two offenses were a combined 22 of 30 on third downs. Even my cable box doesn't convert with that kind of success. Still, the Aggies are going to have to beat Colorado, Baylor, and either Texas or Oklahoma to be bowl eligible, so it looks like Coach Sherman can get an early jump on his Christmas shopping.

Around the League:

Things are not going well for Todd Dodge at North Texas, but at least he is starting to figure out why. After drug testing 86 of his top "contributors", fifteen of them failed their drug tests, prompting Mack Brown to say, "Oooh. Remind me not to do that." No one is really sure if the drug problem is the cause or the effect of the Mean Green's 0-8 record. (Please skip to the next section now, Grandma.) I'll tell you who else is on drugs. That genius that came up with the marketing slogan "We Know You Wanna See UNT!"

My 98 Cents Worth:

Given that the election coming up, I thought it would be a good week to bring back the discussion of the polls. No, not the internet polls for best mascot or best fight song that give all of the folks on Texags.com carpal tunnel syndrome. I am talking about the Top 25 rankings.

Coaches love to act like polls don't matter. They always talk about how it only matters what you are ranked at the end, and where you are ranked in September or October isn't important. Well, as a fan of a team that hasn't been in the Top 25 for a while, I can assure you that they are dead wrong.

Being in the top 25 brings a lot of attention to your program that you can't get any other way. Your highlights are always shown on Sportscenter. Your results and game recaps are featured more prominently in newspapers across the country and on the crawls they show during other games. You are also far more likely to have your games and television. And all of this translates to recruiting. High school studs relaxing on Saturday after a Friday night game are checking out the options. And if you aren't getting regularly featured on the shows they watch, then you aren't going to make their short list.

You see, college football is different than pro football. In the pros, the worst teams get the best players and the best teams get the worst players. This leads to the dreaded "P word". No, not what you are thinking. I'm talking about parity.

But in college, the rich get richer and the poor get poorer because the blue chippers all want to go somewhere where they are going to win and get to see themselves on TV, and the best way to maximize that is to get in the Top 25 and stay there consistently. So the next time you hear a coach mumble through some line about rankings not mattering, you know full well that he is going to bank on that number next to his name when he is handing some high school senior a giant bag of money and the keys to an Escalade.

Looking Ahead

Games listed in order of watchiness.

(1)Texas at (7) Texas Tech 7:00 PM on ABC

Why to watch: This is the weekend's top dog folks. The battle of Big XII undefeateds and the site of the College Gameday broadcast. The winner has the inside track to the Big XII title and a possible national championship. If you aren't watching this game, then we are officially revoking your man card.

Who will win:All bits aside, I think this one is close. Both teams have high-powered offenses, but Texas has the advantage on defense. Still, there is something mystical about night games on the Lubbock turf, and so much to the chagrin of my superstitious Tech readers, I am going to say Texas Tech 48 – Texas 44. (Don't ask me how they score 44 points, I pull most of these numbers out of my balloon knot.)

Nebraska at (4)Oklahoma 7:00 PM on ESPN

Why to watch: Another Big XII game on at the same time as the Tech – Texas game. This one will be a good chance to wear out that "Previous Channel" button on your remote as you flip back and forth.

Why not to watch: You have one of those really old TVs, and the knob on the oscillator is all wallered out and so you have to get up and use pliers to change the channel.

Who will win: This one is going to be much closer than you think. Oklahoma 42 - Nebraska 31.

Kansas State at Kansas 11:30 AM on FSN

Why to watch: Why, it's the battle of the Sunflower State!

Why not to watch: It's the battle of the Sunflower State!

Who will win: Kansas 24 - Kansas State 20

Iowa State at (9) Oklahoma State 2:30 PM on ABC

Why to watch: A good "watch until you fall asleep on the couch" kind of game.

Why not to watch: This time slot never seems to be in HD.

Who will win: The Cowboys win this one in a dog-stomping. Oklahoma State 63 – Iowa State 28.

Colorado at Texas A&M 1:00 PM

Why to care: You get to hear Dave South on the radio because the sun is still up and the signal isn't powered down yet leaving you with random staticky bits of Aggie football mixed in with bad Tejano music. That wasn't really much of a reason to care, was it?

Who will win: The Colorado offense may be just the thing to cure the Aggie defense. Texas A&M 45 – Colorado 17.

(14) Missouri at Baylor 2:00 PM

Why to care: You are Missouri and you like the idea of winning again.

Who will win: Missouri's quarterback is much better than Baylor's at this point. Missouri 41 – Baylor 20.

In Conclusion

Random ShoutOut: The first newly resurrected RSO goes out to our first official donor Bill Miller, who dropped $25 in The Weakly Retort offering plate. As a favor, I want to mention that he is a paralegal (which I looked up on wikipedia and found out was NOT somebody that sues over skydiving accidents) and he lives in San Antonio and is looking for work. If any of you are looking for a paralegal, you can contact him directly at WMillerparalegal@yahoo.com .

Scavenger Hunt: Given that Gameday is in Lubbock, I will give a Random Shout Out to anyone that can get on TV with a sign mentioning Psychoag or The Weakly Retort. I don't care if it says "Leave Psychoag Alone!" or "The Weakly Retort – Only at Raiderpower.com" or "Psychoag has a below average wiener and eats babies." Send a screen capture if you can, and I will post it next week.

Boring Stuff at the End: That's it for this week, folks. Best of luck to all of my Red Raider Readers, and even the ones that don't (or can't) read. If you want to shoot me an email, you can do so at psychoag98@yahoo.com. I am slowly working through my backlog, but I try to answer every one. If you want to pitch in some love, you can click the link below or just use my email address above as the send to on Paypal. All proceeds will be used for something to give back to you (i.e. video equipment, better editing software, wardrobe components for future videos, etc.)


If you want to discuss this column with people that aren't me (although I drop in from time to time), you can do so on the Raiderpower forums here


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