Weakly Retort

PsychoAg joins us again for another edition of the Weakly Retort. A fan favorite since 2005, the Retort takes a light-hearted look at the college football landscape, with a specific emphasis on the Big 12.


Well, the election is over with, and after spending all day Tuesday at the polling site working as an election clerk, and explaining 1052 times how to fill out a paper ballot, I actually had flashbacks of old Scantron papers that gave me cold sweats. The bad news is that the 2012 campaign should begin shortly after Easter. But for now it is college football season and that means that as an A&M fan, I can look forward to recruiting day.

20/20 Hindsight

Madlib: 1. singular noun 2. plural noun 3. adjective 4. verb 5. body part

Kansas 52 - Kansas State 21

My prediction: Kansas 24 - Kansas State 20

As Kansas Coach Mark Mangino patrolled the sideline, chained to a struggling Princess Leia, he had to have liked what he saw. His team, fresh off of a few poundings at the hands of the Red Raiders and the Orange Raiders, decided to do a little pounding of their own as they pounded the final nail into the coffin of one Ron Prince, the coach formerly known as genius. Just a few years ago, Ron Prince was a rising star in the Big XII, but he could never live up to the legend of Bill Snyder, except in the area of actually kind of looking like a football coach instead of a deacon with an overbite.

Oklahoma State 59 - Iowa State 17

My prediction: Oklahoma State 63 - Iowa State 28

Oh, boy, an uninteresting blowout of a Big XII North team. Time for madlibs kids. It's almost not fair for defenders to try and cover Dez Bryant. This guy is truly a <1. singular noun> among <2. plural noun> and he really showed his stuff on Saturday. After hauling in nine passes for 171 yards and four touchdowns, he made the Iowa State secondary look <3. adjective>. If this guy doesn't leave town and go in the draft after this season, then I will <4. verb> my own <5. body part>

Texas A&M 24 - Colorado 17

My prediction: Texas A&M 45 - Colorado 17

The Aggies may have won their last game of the season, as the Aggies put together what the rest of the conference calls "a winning streak" by beating Colorado, a week after besting Iowa State. The Aggies had just 76 yards of total offense in the first half, and given their propensity to fall flatter than a cartoon soufflé in the second half, I didn't figure this one was going to end well. But unlike when my daughter barged into the bathroom while I was "making a grumpy" to tell me about her Care Bear getting stuck in the toaster, this time I was pleasantly surprised. The crop of Aggie freshmen led the way as the men in maroon racked up 21 points in the 3rd quarter, and then held on to win. Describing the post game celebration, Trent Hunter said, "There were two guys I've never seen talking before and they were hugging and throwing each other up in the air." I don't know which is more disturbing, the thought of two teammates that don't even talk to each other, or the thought of two guys throwing each other up in the air. Let's just hope they weren't offensive linemen. That would be the most unnecessary injury since B.J. Symons tore an ACL skipping into the endzone.

Missouri 31 - Baylor 28

My prediction: Missouri 41 - Baylor 20

I seriously doubt anyone predicted that this game would be this close, but the resurgent Bears continue to turn a lot of heads without actually winning games. After the game, Baylor coach Art Briles described the game in perfect coach-speak as "a very emotional, very devastating non-win". The Bears actually had the game tied until about two and half minutes left when Missouri kicker Jeff Wolfert non-missed a field goal and on the ensuing drive, Baylor quarterback Robert Griffin threw a non-non-interception, the first of his career. And so once again, as the conference race winds down, Baylor looks to be a non-factor.

Oklahoma 62 - Nebraska 28

My prediction: Oklahoma 42 - Nebraska 31

Like a theoretical sex tape starring Sandra Bernhard

and Ron Howard's brother Clint

this one was just ugly on top of ugly as the Cornhuskers turned the ball over three times on their first five plays. The Sooners capitalized to take a 35 – 0 lead AT THE END OF THE FIRST QUARTER. And much like the aforementioned film, it never got any better and everyone just hoped it would be over as quickly as possible, with nobody getting seriously injured. And that includes retina damage for those forced to sit through it.

Texas Tech 39 - Texas 33

My prediction: Texas Tech 48 - Texas 44

It was very difficult to watch my two bitter rivals square off against each other and actually pull for one of them, so in a sense I rooted for a great football game, and man, did this one deliver. It looked like Tech was going to run away with this one early, as the Raiders jumped out to a 19 – 0 first half lead, that began with the Longhorns getting stuffed for a safety, which I still contend is one of the most exciting plays in football. But that is nothing compared to how this one ended. After the Longhorns clawed their way back (no small feat for a hooved animal) and took a one-point lead, Harrell and Crabtree showed why this indeed may be a magical season for the Red Raiders. I have always wondered how a wide receiver can win the Heisman. With multiple receivers catching passes from a single QB, the passer will always have better numbers than a given receiver. As a wideout, you can never have a better day than the guy throwing you the ball. But in this game, Michael Crabtree showed exactly how it is done, as he went back to snag a desperation pass that was thrown into double-coverage and then muscled his way into the endzone for the winning score. This, folks, is a grown-ass man. And although I am not sure who had worse clock management, Mack Brown's offense, which inexplicably kept snapping the ball with time left on the play clock during the end of their go-ahead drive, or the Tech students, which stormed the field twice with time still on the clock, forcing their team to kick off from their own 7 yard line in a game ending moment that had far more drama than it should have, but I really doubt that they minded having to celebrate three times, because on Saturday night, the Red Raiders made their mark on the college football landscape. And that, my dear English students, is how you abuse the comma.

Around the League:

Unless my newspaper has a misprint, Jeremy Moses from Stephen F. Austin completed 57 of 85 passes on Saturday. Folks, that is only two attempts less than Graham Harrell and Colt McCoy COMBINED. And on top of that, they still had 31 rushing plays. And the cherry on that sundae is the fact that they still LOST 34 – 31.

My 98 Cents Worth: Who is this clown?

So, it is late in the season, and I have gotten numerous emails asking me essentially "what my deal is". Some people wonder if I went to Tech or A&M or if this is all a bit or what have you, so for those of you that are somewhat new to The Weakly Retort, I will address some of the most common questions.

First, I graduated from Texas A&M, class of '98, with a major in Electrical Engineering. Yes, I know, not a lot of opportunity for creative writing as an Engineer, so that is why I use this as my creative outlet. It gives me a chance to be a dork and hopefully make people laugh and otherwise enjoy a Friday when they should be doing work. But I wasn't always a fan of A&M. I grew up in a Tech family. My dad played baseball at Tech, my mom kind of went to Tech, my grandparents pretend they went to Tech, my uncle went to Tech law school, I think my aunt went to Tech, and one of my brothers went to Baylor and then transferred to Tech, where he graduated from. I grew up with everything red and black. I even had a Tech windsock in my room. Yes, a windsock. Indoors. I had a 3rd down clicker, my favorite players were Billy Joe Tolliver and Tyrone Thurman, and I spent almost every Christmas in Lubbock.

But somewhere around 9th grade, I started really looking at colleges. I gave A&M a shot because they had a solid EE program, and I was intrigued by their traditions. After visiting the school, I really enjoyed the atmosphere and could tell that it was a solid fit for me, much to the chagrin of my family, who said "at least it is not UT". I spent five years at A&M, soaking up the school spirit, and wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. Despite accusations from people that don't really know me, my first love is Texas A&M, and I bleed Aggie maroon, and not just because that happens to be the actual color of blood. And for any of you reading this, I hope you have developed the same love for your school, wherever you went. I hope you cherish what makes your school unique and that you experience pride and joy when your team does well, and don't squash your testicles when your team does poorly.

But I will always have a soft spot for Texas Tech in my heart, just below A&M. If A&M is the atrium, then Tech is the ventricle. I would love to see Tech finish just below A&M every year in the standings even though that never happens anymore.

So some of you may wonder why I write for a Texas Tech website. The short answer is because they asked me to. The long answer is that I stumbled upon Raiderpower.com shortly after the infamous goalpost incident by following some links from Texags and, in my valiant youth, running over to defend my school in the discussions on the board. But after a while, I started to become more and more familiar with the posters on the forum and stuck around to discuss other topics and try to break down the Aggie stereotype that many people have by using humor and sometimes taking shots at silly things that happen at my own school to show that Aggies really can have a sense of humor. Pretty soon, I was contacted by the owners of the site and they asked if I would write a column for them, sort of an outsider's opinion. I had no idea what to write and just started typing up nonsense and sculpting it into what you see today.

I guess that's about it.

Looking Ahead

Games listed in order of watchiness.

(9) Oklahoma State at (2) Texas Tech on ABC

Why to watch: For the second week in a row, Texas Tech plays in the premier matchup of the week.

Who will win: Although this looks like it could be a trap game for the Red Raiders, coming off of the emotional high of last week's win over Texas, I think the mystique of the night game at Jones carries them through. Texas Tech 41 - Oklahoma State 26

(6)Oklahoma at Texas A&M 2:30 PM on ABC

Why to watch: Sooner games at Kyle Field tend to be pretty good games, historically.

Why not to watch: this case, history will not repeat itself.

Who will win: The Sooners are just too much for the Aggies, and although it won't be another 77 – 0 debacle, the Sooners win big. Oklahoma 45 – Texas A&M 24

Baylor at (4)Texas 11:00 AM on FSN

Why to watch: To see how the Longhorns react to getting punched in the nose.

Who will win: The Bears hang on for a while, but Colt McCoy and the gang pull away in the second half. Texas 38 – Baylor 14

Kansas State at (14) Missouri on FSN

Why to watch: To see if Missouri can maintain their tenuous hold on the Big XII North.

Why not to watch: Whoever wins the Big XII North will get railed by whoever wins the South.

Who will win: The Tigers get the best of the lame-duck Panthers. Missouri 41 – Kansas State 12

Iowa State at Colorado 12:30 on Versus

Why not to watch: The teams that are playing.

Who will win: These are two of the worst teams in the Big XII so just flip a coin. Colorado 28 – Iowa State 24

Kansas at Nebraska 1:30 PM on PPV

Why not to watch: Pay per view? You are better off using your money on 25 shares of Wachovia.

Who will win: Well, first of all, anyone that doesn't buy this pay-per-view. Other than that, I suppose Kansas wins this one. Kansas 31 – Nebraska 10

In Conclusion

Well, that is it for this week. I tried to set a personal record by waiting even longer to start this (about 10:30 pm) so now that it is about 1:00 am, I think I will cut the conclusion short and head to bed without even mentioning my former former boss and how he thinks that Heisman is a malt liquor.

Boring Stuff at the End: That's it for this week, folks. Best of luck to all of my Red Raider Readers, and even the ones that don't (or can't) read. If you want to shoot me an email, you can do so at psychoag98@yahoo.com. I am slowly working through my backlog, but I try to answer every one. If you want to pitch in some love, you can click the link below or just use my email address above as the send to on Paypal. All proceeds will be used for something to give back to you (i.e. video equipment, better editing software, wardrobe components for future videos, etc.)


If you want to discuss this column with people that aren't me (although I drop in from time to time), you can do so on the Raiderpower forums here


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