Weakly Retort

PsychoAg joins us again for another edition of the Weakly Retort. A fan favorite since 2005, the Retort takes a light-hearted look at the college football landscape, with a specific emphasis on the Big 12.


Okay, I got an even later start than usual because my day job (the one that pays the bills) dumped a major project on me at 4:00 on Thursday afternoon that was due Friday morning. So, if things are a little bit shorter this go-round, then just consider it my bye-week (not to be confused with bi-week, which is when I drink a bottle of Scotch every morning and imagine what it would be like to have a 3-way with Roseanne and the guy who played Chewbacca)…

20/20 Hindsight

Colorado 28 - Iowa State 24

My prediction: Colorado 28 - Iowa State 24

Booyakasha! Check out that prediction. Nothing even remotely interesting happened in this game, except that Colorado missed two more field goals in the first quarter, meaning they have missed 9 of their last 10 tries. They even had an extra point blocked. How sad is that? Texas Tech can pull a kicker out of the stands and do okay in the dusty plains of West Texas, but Colorado can't even get a scholarship kicker to make kicks in a place where the air molecules have to dial a "1" before calling each other. I have no idea what that means.

Texas Tech 56 - Oklahoma State 20

My prediction: Texas Tech 41 - Oklahoma State 26

This one started out scary and ended up silly, much like the Nightmare on Elm Street franchise. Tech fumbles the ball on the first drive, leading to OSU taking a quick lead, but Tech puts up 14 points in each quarter en route to their second win in a row over a top 10 team. Graham Harrell puts up Arena Football numbers, completing 40 of 50 for 456 yards and 6 TDs.

Nebraska 45 - Kansas 35

Kansas 31 - Nebraska 10

In what must have certainly been a strange sight, Ndamukong Suh, the 300 pound Nebraska nose tackle with the made up name caught a touchdown pass after he lined up at fullback. The win made Nebraska bowl-eligible, reaffirming everyone's belief that having more bowls than a wok factory is not a good thing. Okay, that is by far the worst analogy I have ever used.

Oklahoma 66 - Texas A&M 28

My prediction: Oklahoma 45 - Texas A&M 24

Hey, it was better than Fran's first try. That one was 77 – 0. Although in both games, A&M held the Sooners scoreless in the 4th quarter, but only because they just quit trying. A&M's Cyrus Gray set some kind of record with 261 kickoff return yards, which is kind of like saying you made out with the most chicks at a World of Warcraft LAN party.

Missouri 41 - Kansas State 24

My prediction: Missouri 41 - Kansas State 12

Jeremy Maclin racked up 278 all-purpose and 3 TDs as the Tigers routed the Wildcats (whom I inexplicably called the Panthers last week). After the game, the ambiguously gay Chase Daniel, who previously commented on Colt McCoy's "ass"ets, said of Maclin, "It's unbelievable, the things he can do with a ball in his hands." Ironically, Tigers center Tim Barnes said the same thing about Daniel. With the win, the Tigers seized control of the Big XII North and look forward to the Championship game, where they will likely play the role of Walter Mondale against the Big XII South.

Texas 45 - Baylor 21

My prediction: Texas 38 - Baylor 14

A week after seeing their real-life Musburger wet dream season end up like one of those nightmares where you are naked in shop class and you can only run really slow and you have to take an accounting test even though you haven't been in class all semester, the Longhorns could have given up. But somehow they were able to bounce back and much like the 21st Amendment, smack a bunch of Baptists in the gut. Referring to the Tech game the week before, Texas coach Mack Brown said, "You want to get the bad taste out of your mouth." Hey coach, I have an idea, TRY BRUSHING THEM BUTTER-COVERED TEETH OF YOURS.

Looking Ahead

Good grief, what a crappy weekend for Big XII football. The two best teams are not even playing, and all of the rest of the matchups pit good teams vs. crappy teams. Except for A&M – Baylor which is crappy vs. crappy and isn't even on TV. As far as I am concerned, there is no "why to watch". On any of these.

(13) Oklahoma State at Colorado 7:00 PM on ABC

Why not to watch: I have no idea why ABC picked up this game, unless they were contractually obligated to. At least it might be in HD.

Who will win: Oklahoma State 56 - Colorado 12. The Buffaloes score two garbage time TDs and miss both extra points.

(3)Texas at Kansas 11:30 AM on FSN

Why not to watch: I don't know which is more nauseating, Mack Brown's teeth or Mark Mangino's self.

Who will win: Colt McCoy puts up insane numbers in a game that will be over by halftime. Texas 58 - Kansas 24

(12) Missouri at Iowa State 5:40 PM on FSN

Why not to watch: A great chance to perform that colon cleansing you have been putting off.

Who will win: Not a chance in this one. Missouri 63 - Iowa State 3

Nebraska at Kansas State 2:35 PM

Why not to care: This used to be a really good matchup. Now, notsomuch.

Who will win: Nebraska 28 - Kansas State 14

Texas A&M at Baylor 3:05 PM

Why not to care: The only teams in the Big XII South that aren't even close to the rankings square off in a stadium that isn't even close to the school.

Who will win: The Bears beat the Aggies for the second time in 3 million years, only this time nobody is surprised. Baylor 41 - Texas A&M 36.

In Conclusion

Sorry that this one is a bit short, but as I mentioned, I had a lot of work to do, and toward the end of the season there are only so many smart-alec things to say.. I have officially run out of topics for "My 98 Cents", so unless something major happens this week, I am open to suggestions.

Boring Stuff at the End:

If you want to shoot me an email, you can do so at psychoag98@yahoo.com. I am slowly working through my backlog, but I try to answer every one. I know I have been saying this for about 3 weeks and haven't really gone through my email at all, but I really will try this week. Honest. If you want to pitch in some love, you can click the link below or just use my email address above as the send to on Paypal. All proceeds will be used for something to give back to you (i.e. video equipment, better editing software, wardrobe components for future videos, etc.)


If you want to discuss this column with people that aren't me (although I drop in from time to time), you can do so on the Raiderpower forums here


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