Weakly Retort

PsychoAg joins us again for another edition of the Weakly Retort. A fan favorite since 2005, the Retort takes a light-hearted look at the college football landscape, with a specific emphasis on the Big 12.


The college football season is slowly winding down, leaving me with nothing to get excited about because of all of the teams I support completely suck. The Aggies suck this year. The Rangers sucked this year. The Mavericks suck this year. The Stars suck this year. And the Cowboys even drop the barometric pressure a few points. To top it off, my wife has already begun hammering away with Christmas CDs to the point where I think my skull is going to split open if I have to sit through one more abhorrent holiday tune with the word "rock" or some variant thereof in the title. I can only hope that A&M pulls out a miraculous win in Austin, but it is more likely that by Thanksgiving I will be able to pull a handful of change out of my couch cushions and purchase the entire Ford Motor Company.

But that said, there are many football fans out there that are experiencing great joy right now and so I don't want to rain on your parade. I encourage you to immerse yourself in this experience and enjoy it because as I learned after A&M's Big XII Title run in 1998, sometimes these things are few and far between.

20/20 Hindsight

Oklahoma State 30 - Colorado 17

My prediction: Oklahoma State 56 - Colorado 12

Dr. Evil would have been proud as this game even featured Buffali with frickin laser beams.  What you say? During one point in the game, a fan with a green laser shone the beam into the eyes of Zac Robinson forcing him to call a time out. But he quickly regained his mojo on the sideline and on the next play through a touchdown pass to Dez Bryant. The Buffalae converted a Leachian 4 of 4 fourth downs, and pulled within 10 points late in the game, but it is the Cowboys that came out on top.

Texas 35 - Kansas 7

My prediction: Texas 58 - Kansas 24

The Longhorns rolled the Jayhawks this week as Colt McFurby broke Vince Young's single season school passing record. Fearing that the victory may underwhelm many, Mack Brown said, "If 35-7 against Kansas on the road isn't a good enough win for someone, we'll just go wherever they tell us to go." I'm sure that many throughout the Big XII would love to tell Mack Brown where to go. As would I. Into the loving arms of a trained dental hygienist.
But the big story was that the Longhorns have already named their head coach in waiting, Defensive Coordinator Will Muschamp. So how does the Conan O'Brien of the Texas Longhorns celebrate? By sky-humping some dude from Auburn.

Missouri 52 - Iowa State 20

My prediction: Missouri 63 - Iowa State 3

With all of the fanfare of an Octogenarian Republican CPA Folk Music and Quilting Festival (I don't know what that means), the Missouri Tigers clinched an otherwise tepid Big XII North division title. For a blowout game, the statistics were ridiculously close. Iowa State led in 1st downs, 25 – 24. Missouri barely outgained Iowa State 479 – 444, and both teams had 2 turnovers. The difference was that the Tigers were 8 of 10 on 3rd down, while the Cyclones were 6 of 14. Oh, and the whole points scored thing.

Nebraska 56 - Kansas State 28

My prediction: Nebraska 28 - Kansas State 14

Despite the misleading 28 points on the board, the Blackshirts stepped in and completely decimated the Wildcat offense. I had a joke to use here, but exercised my better judgment and decided to go in a completely different direction. Kansas State actually held the Cornhuskers scoreless in the third period, but this was a small consolation as they allowed a blackjack in both the second and fourth quarters. This game is so uninteresting to me right now that I won't even justify it with a madlib. So if you want to get really creative, make up your own madlib related to this game, send it to me, and I will respond with my answer. I can also use this as a cheap way to sneak in a reference to my former former boss by mentioning that he didn't go to either of these schools.

Baylor 41 - Texas A&M 21

My prediction: Baylor 41 - Texas A&M 36

Baylor's Griffin, a mythical beast that is half-passer, half-rusher got the best of the Aggies' Johnson, which in addition to being slang for a wiener, is also a half-interception chunker, half-fumbler that coughed the ball up five time as the Bears beat the Aggies for only the second time in 23 meetings. Aggie fans hope this isn't a sign of things to come. And as far as I'm concerned, it isn't, so don't start not-dancing in the Waco streets just yet, fake-Baptists. A&M needed to keep their bowl hopes alive, which was merely a talking point as they would have also needed to beat Texas for the third year in a row to get to six wins because they couldn't beat Arkanfrickingsas State.

My 98 Cents Worth:

This week's topic was sent in by a reader, Matt Van Winkle:



I thought of a topic for you for the "My 98 Cents Worth" section.

I've noticed a lot of Texas fans have been rooting for OSU, and now OU against Tech. It's for obvious reasons, mind you, but I've always stuck with the thought that you always root for any team from Texas playing any team from Oklahoma. It's just good football etiquette. And to do otherwise is probably bad karma. You may disagree with me completely, but I figured if you could argue it either way, it would give you a topic to discuss.

Have a great week. I'm looking forward to the column Friday and any witty discussion on the big game this Sat.




First, I posted the whole email to make the column look longer. I was tempted to include the full message headers but thought that might be too obvious.

Second, to address Matt's question, here is the order of consideration that I give when deciding whom to pull for in a particular game.

1. Your Team

I figured this would go without saying, but you would be surprised how many times the issue comes up. Look, you aren't going to get a better draft pick if your college team loses so there is no tangible benefit for wishing for their demise. I remember a lot of people pulling for A&M to lose so they could get rid of Fran, and I have trouble with this view. I think you should always pull for your team to win unless Jack Bauer tells you that terrorists will murder your family if they do.

2. Any outcome that helps your team

Your ultimate goal is for your team to achieve as much as possible, and sometimes they need a little help. If a Texas victory will propel A&M into the title game (I know, this is an uber-hypothetical), then I will root on the Horns, even if I have to swallow cheesecloth and Pinesol later to cleanse my soul. I couldn't imagine cutting of my nose to spite my face, and I couldn't imagine cutting off my season to spite my rival. I could imagine cutting off my nose and replacing it with a smaller one that doesn't have the odd bump in the middle, but that would be awfully vain now wouldn't it?

3. Cop Out Answer: This is where you set your own rules.

Some people always pull for the conference teams. Some always pull for the division teams. Some always pull for the state teams. I think it is hard to create a set rule here because you have to recruit against these schools and so their success may indirectly harm your school. But you also have to consider the Conference or state reputation. You don't want the Big XII to be known as a crappy conference like the Big Tenleven or else it may be harder for your school to be ranked. Personally, I generally pull for teams ahead of me to lose and behind me to win and figure it takes care of both situations. If Texas is better than us, then I want them to drop a peg in the eyes of recruits, and if they are behind us, then I want them to win to make the Big XII look better. Given our position this season, I am hoping that the Big XII gets completely disqualified from all post season play due to hanging chads or something.

So in summary, I didn't really answer the question. Perhaps I really do have a future in politics.

Looking Ahead

There are only two games this week. Actually, as far as anyone is truly concerned, there is only ONE game this week…

(2) Texas Tech at (5) Oklahoma 7:00 PM on ABC

Why to watch: This has the potential of being the game of the year in the Big XII. This one will likely decide who plays for the national championship game, if Barack Obama doesn't institute a playoff system first.

Who will win: This is a tough call. I think that Texas Tech is the better team, but Oklahoma is rock solid at home. I also think that nationally televised night games seem to give even more of a boost to the home team. So, I am going to say Oklahoma 45 - Texas Tech 42 with the rematch in the National Championship game.

Iowa State at Kansas State 2:35 PM

Why not to care: The only way to make this game even remotely interesting is to put something on the line, because there is certainly nothing at stake already. And I am not talking some kind of old WWF "Loser shaves his head" kind of thing, I am thinking more along the lines of "Loser get jabbed in the taint with a curling iron" kind of thing.

Who will win: Kansas State sends the Prince formerly known as Coach packing with a meaningless win. Kansas State 35 – Iowa State 24

In Conclusion

A random shout out to Matt Van Winkle for coming up with a great question that I completely avoided answering. I'm pumped about watching the Tech – OU game, but disappointed because I know I will only get to see half of it. We are headed to my mom's house (about an hour away) to celebrate multiple kiddo birthdays. But given that the game starts at 7:00, I know my wife will be itching to leave around halftime. Not because she has poison ivy or some other unmentionable malady, but because she will want to make the long drive home and get the girls to bed. As much as I protest as a football fan, as a dad, I know that it is what's best. Although if one of you wants to sneak over and let the air out of my tires, let me know and I can shoot you the address.

Boring Stuff at the End:

If you want to shoot me an email, you can do so at psychoag98@yahoo.com. I am in a training class all day, but I have my Blackberry so I can answer emails while pretending to be doing important work stuff. If you want to pitch in some love, you can click the link below or just use my email address above as the send to on Paypal. All proceeds will be used for something to give back to you (i.e. video equipment, better editing software, wardrobe components for future videos, etc.)


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