Weakly Retort

The Weakly Retort is back! PsychoAg joins us again for the first edition of the Weakly Retort in 2009. A fan favorite since 2005, the Retort takes a light-hearted look at the college football landscape, with a specific emphasis on the Big 12.


Hello.  My name is Psychoag, and I'm a sportsoholic.  Football, basketball, baseball, even curling.  I watch them all.  Except soccer.  Soccer is a pseudosport used to train kids how to run around aimlessly until they are old enough to play Football.  Two O's, two L's, no U.  Football.  The most glorious sport of them all.  Even better is College Football, and that is what brings us together today.  (If you want to read my soccer blog, visit http://ihavenomanparts.com)

If my count is correct, this is Season 5, and I can only hope that unlike most Season 5s (see "Friends"), this column will not begin leaping any fierce aquatic creatures.
  I have been told that I do some of my best writing when my soul is pained, and so given that my Aggies are picked to finish dead last in the conference, this could be the year I finally win a Web Pulitzer, if in fact there is such a thing…

What can you expect this season?
  Well, I believe the Guy Morriss "showering with your sister" line of humor has officially been retired due to the statute of limitations.  However, since Sam Bradford has decided to return as quarterback of the Sooners, you can rest assured that the "cross-eyed monster" joke series will be in full effect.  Unless Mark Mangino slathers him in gravy and devours him first.  Each week you will get the recaps and precaps, plus the creamy center of the Oreo known as "My 98 Cents Worth".  I also plan to continue the YouTube features, especially now that I have upgraded to an HD camcorder. 
In fact, I have one planned for the A&M – Tech game, so if you are going to be there and would like to be a part of the action or even help work out the script, send me an email at psychoag98@yahoo.com.

Oh, sure, I could have pulled a stunt like a certain someone often paired with "& Evelyn" and held out for more money, but I do this for you the fans.
  And my giant ego.  And the owner of Raiderpower who has taken my stuffed Reveille hostage and sends me pictures each Thursday with a Smith and Wesson shoved forcefully in her mouth in order to "motivate" me.  I fully expect that line to be edited out.  And that one explaining which line I expect to see edited out.  Oh dear, I believe I have created an endless loop.

  (A little humor for the computer geeks out there.)

I apologize that this didn't start up a week ago, but I was in Mexico with my wife celebrating my 10th Anniversary, and there are some things more important than writing an unpaid web column.
  At least to her.

So, what does the Big XII hold in store for us this year?
  I'll save my "predictions" for the middle, so let's rumble with some recaps.

20/20 Hindsight:

These are going to be quick this week, because there are a lot of them and most are pretty meaningless.
  And because I didn't actually watch a single second of any one of them.

Baylor 24 – Wake Forrest 21

The Baylor Baptists open the season by beating the Demon Deacons in a game that probably made God smile a little bit.

  24  -  Georgia  10

The best game of the week that didn't involve a wounded quarterback.  The Cowboys do the Big XII proud by taking it to an admittedly NFL-depleted Bulldog roster.  Still, hats off to the Oranges for at least scheduling a ranked team.

  37  -  Illinois  10

The Tigers begin the "Quarterback who doesn't eat boogers" era by pounding Juice Williams and the horribly uncreative Illinois Illini.  See, even after he is gone, Chase Daniel and his penchant for nasal nuggets will live on.

  49  -  Florida Atlantic  3

Who cares?  Seriously.

  14  -  Oklahoma  13

The Sooners start off in an early hole as Bradford goes down to injury and could be out a couple of weeks.  This is why coaches shouldn't wear visors and why I am glad I didn't issue my predictions last week.

A&M  41  -  New Mexico  6

Do you hear that whooshing sound?  That is the sound of 70,000+ Aggies slowly exhaling after the anxious breath-holding that lately seems to accompany the home openers.  Well, that and mushing up on your man balloon probably doesn't actually help. Still, Jerrod Johnson looks solid and their runningback, (wait, surely this is a misprint) Christine Michael rushes for almost 100 yards.  I guess the "Boy named Sue" philosophy applies to pigskin as well.

  59  -  ULaMon  20

Whenever you let a school that has changed its name in the past 20 years score 20 points on you, that is a pretty bad sign.  In fact, there is probably a correlation between how many years ago a school remonikered (made up word) and how many they can score before you get worried.  At least their quarterback is still standing.

  49  -  N. Colorado  3

I didn't even realize there WAS an N Colorado.  ESPN doesn't even bother to tell me if it is North Colorado or Northern Colorado.  Maybe it is neither.  Maybe Colorado just has 26 subcolleges that take big fat checks to get pounded by big fat coaches.

Tech  38  -   North Dakota  13

Taylor Potts has a tough time getting traction as he throws two interceptions against a team that probably goes through two-a-days wearing oven mitts.

  21  -  Massachusetts  17

Are you serious?  Welcome back, Bill Snyder!  Sorry we almost petered one away to a basketball school.

  23  -  Colorado 17

One of the rare rivalry games that is played the first week of the season.  I guess they want to get football out of the way before the annual Snowboarding Team Dorito Munch-Off that takes place in November during the typical rivalry week.

My 98 Cents

I want to apologize for this next part.
  For those of you that are college age or just out of college, you will probably spend the next 3 – 5 minutes (depending on your reading speed) with a big cartoon "WTF?" over your head.  (That stands for "Why The Face?" Grandma.)  But those of you with young children will undoubtedly revel in the sheer comic genius.

As I look upon the Big XII this year, I can't help but compare them to The Wiggles.
  Yes, the overly effiminate quartet that my wife allows into our home via the miracle of DVD in order to entertain my children.  I know they are probably pretty good folks, but if you are going to go around wearing bright clothes and an Australian Accent, you need to Crocodile Dundee it up a little bit.

"Guns up, Wiggles!"

Oklahoma Sooners – Greg/Sam Wiggle (yellow).  The once unquestioned leader of the pack suddenly disappears due to health concerns, and now that they have been replaced by a less than stellar facsimile, you can see the others smelling the blood and gunning to be top dog.  Ironically, in the case of the Wiggles, Sam was the replacement, while in the Sooners' case, Sam was the Greg.  Follow me?  Good.

Longhorns – Anthony Wiggle (blue).  Mostly commonly believed to be second in command, the Longhorns, like Anthony are just waiting and waiting for their shot, and the big cheese going down may be just what they need.  Anthony has been waiting so long to be in the forefront that parts of him are starting to match his blue shirt.

Murray Wiggle (red).  I don't know if Murray's bug-eyed oversmile or the OSU mascot is more creepy, but while part of the headliners, neither are considered "Favorites" by any stretch of the imagination.

Tech – Jeff Wiggle (purple)  Like Jeff, the Red Raiders are at least considered part of the front 4, but they have an uncanny knack for completely falling asleep at the most inopportune time.  "Wake up Tech!"

Big XII North – Auxiliary Characters
Like Captain Feathersword, Henry the Octopus, Wags the Dog, and Dorothy the Dinosaur the Big XII North kind of does its own thing, provides some mild amusement, and really garners no major interest from anyone.

Texas A&M / Baylor – Those ridiculously overacting Wiggles backup dancers While no one is considering them worth putting anywhere close to the TV cameras, they try desperately to get noticed whenever someone looks their way.
  No chance to be one of the top 4 this year, they only hope to see their name in the credits.  And if anyone ever sees that blonde, spiky-haired backup dancer with the jerky movements and the foot-wide smile, punch him in the face for me.  I promise I will bail you out.

Upcoming Games:

There are seriously no Big XII games worth watching this week.
  None.  I'm not just trying to cop out because it is midnight and I have to sit through a 7 hour Program Management Training Class tomorrow, there really isn't anything on.

Look at this lineup:

Colorado at Toldeo – On a FRIDAY.  That is High School night (perhaps fittingly)

at Iowa State – Okay, this may be the only one worth sitting down for.

at Arkansas State – meh in the Midwest

Houston at Oklahoma State – interesting only for the remote derailment possibility

at Wyoming – One time where the steer gets the best of the Cowboy.

at Bowling GreenBowling Green has a football team?

at Idaho State – Well, at least in the land of Napoleon Dynamite the Sooners won't miss Sam Bradford.  Yet.

at ULaLa – Bill Snyder's team should whip up on the porn magazine.

Rice at Texas Tech – The Red Raiders start out 2/3rds and 0

at UTEP – I have a 38 inch waist.

Next week will begin discussing the merits of Preseason Games (NFL) vs. Non-Conference Game (NCAA) so send me your thoughts on which you prefer and why.

Random Shoutouts:

I would like to say Happy Birthday to my younger brother Kyle (the one that went to Tech) who turns 31 today.

And on a more serious note, I ask everyone to take a moment and say a prayer for those troops overseas. Whether you think we should be there or not, these folks are away from their families and in harm's way on a daily basis.
  Pray that they get home as quickly and as safely as possible.


Knocking the rust off this week after a vacation, but ready to rumble.
  Going to keep the end a little short since I know my 1 year old is going to wake up 3 times tonight.  Look for a bigger presentation next week.  Emails always appreciated at psychoag98@yahoo.com

If you want to cuss and discuss your favorite and least favorite parts, Raider Power has graciously provided us our own little strand of the interweb



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