Weakly Retort

PsychoAg joins us again for another edition of the Weakly Retort. A fan favorite since 2005, the Retort takes a light-hearted look at the college football landscape, with a specific emphasis on the Big 12.

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A lot of drama in week two as the upsets start popping up around the country.  Still, it is the time of year you muddle through a lot of games that suck in hopes of finding the rare jewel that doesn't.  And hopefully that jewel doesn't turn out to be just a middle eastern guy that is immune to fire like in that horrible sequel with Kathleen Turner and Michael Douglas.  Well, let's get ready to plunge knee deep into the Retort and see if we can't find some diamonds in the poo-poo. (Obscure Emmitt Smith quote reference.)

20/20 Hindsight:

Texas  41  -  Wyoming  10

Attitude faced off against altitude as the Longhorns head from 7000 feet below normal to 7000 feet above sea level to face off against the Cowboys of Wyoming.  Never mind that the entire state of Wyoming has just over five times as many people as the capacity of Joe Jamail Taco Bell Field at Darrell K Royal Memorial Stadium, this one was much closer than the score indicates.  The Longhorns only led 13-10 at the half after a failed fake punt and a failed fake field goal left them exuding fake confidence.  Still, the target of Brent Musburger's sinful thoughts was able to rally his team back to a large win and calm the nerves for the millions of people that own Longhorn t-shirts that missed the second half after they kicked a Birkenstock shaped hole in their plasma TV.

  54  -  Colorado  38

Oh dear.  Things are not going so well for 4th year coach Dan Hawkins after he predicted "10 Wins and No Excuses".  This is going to be especially difficult given that they only have 10 games remaining on their schedule.  Of course, who knows, maybe a team that can't beat Toledo can win out with a schedule that includes four ranked opponents.  Hudson Hawkins also made the astute observation that "There were just too many big plays."  When your opponent averages TEN yards per play, I'm pretty sure the problem is also that there weren't any small plays.

  34  -  UTEP  7

The Kansas defense was the story here as they held the Mike Price's Miners scoreless until late in the 4th quarter.  Mike Price is of course, the coach best known for losing the Alabama job before he even started after getting caught with his pickaxe in a Florida stripper.  Between he and Mangino, they have 2/7 of the deadly sins covered.

  35  -  Iowa State  3

<Movie Preview Guy Voice>In a world with no major professional sports teams.  Where middle school boys giggle at the sound of the word "caucuses".  Where people look forward to taking a break from a long week of producing ethanol and tests of basic skills.  Brother will stand toe to toe against brother as the battle rages on for control of the state none of you have ever visited.  Except Tom, who grew up there.  It is, IOWAR! <End Voice> Unfortunately, like most films with Ben Affleck, this one didn't live up to the preview.  The Cyclones turn the ball over six times en route to a thrashing.  (Threshing?)

  38  -  Arkansas St  9

For two schools that are almost anagrams of each other, this game was quite the mismatch.  The Cornhuskers jumped out to an early lead and didn't look back as they roll over the Red Wolves from Arkansas State.  Of course, that is what you get when you name yourself after a really lame beer from the late 90s.

  27  -  Bowling Green  20

In another game where the Big XII team started off sluggish and then roared back, the Missouri Tigers actually trailed Bowling Green 13 – 6 at the half before finally rattling off 21 points in the second half to take the win.  I tried to come up with some joke about "Bowling Green."

  64  -  Idaho St  0

This is the kind of game that makes me hate nonconference.  Not only did Oklahoma beat up on a team from I-AA (I refuse to call it the Football Championship Series Division), they beat up on a I-AA team that was 1 – 11 last season.  This was only slightly less of a ridiculous matchup than in UFC 54 when Kimbo Slice took on that girl from Little Miss Sunshine.  The Sooners scored more points than their opponent had total yards (44 yards), but didn't prove anything about how well they bounced back after having their quarterback's eyes knocked straight.  During the midweek, Stoops plans to go have a limbo contest on "Shaq vs." where the winner has to wear a stupid visor.

ULaLa  17  -  Kansas St  15

I don't think anyone has been this surprised by an ULaLa since Marty McFly finally retrieved his sports almanac from Biff Tanner in Back to the Future II, only to find that all but the cover had been replaced by a fictitious 1950s skin mag.  Yes, I realize I referenced this last week, but this is what the paid ones in the industry refer to as a "call back".  It's supposed to be funny.

Tech  55 -  Rice  10

In a matchup that proves the equation: Football Prowess = 1 / Admission Standards, the Red Raiders pounded the Rice Owls in Lubbock.  Oh, c'mon.  It's been FIVE YEARS, give me ONE before you clog up my inbox.  The good news for the Tech offense is that Potts bounced back from a lackluster first outing to throw 7 TDs and 456 yards with no interceptions.  Lucky for Tech, their offense will be hungry again in a couple of hours.

  45  -  Oklahoma State  35

Definitely the most intriguing game of the week.  I said this one had derailment potential, but I didn't actually think it would happen.  Houston hang tough with the Oklahoma State Bearded Dennis Hoppers and go ahead for good on a 4th and 7 play that was tipped by the defender before being caught in the end zone.  I don't think a group of young Cowboys have been this upset by a group of Cougars since the lights came on at closing time down at the Dry Tumbleweed.  After the game, Cougar coach Kevin Sumlin actually said, "For us as a program, this is a big win because it legitimizes our university."  Somewhere, this led to a scrambling e-Chancellor from University of Phoenix to issue a press release bragging about how they had won 6 straight championships on dynasty mode in NCAA 2009.

My 98 Cents Worth:

As much as I like to complain about some of these non-conference games between Herve Villechaize

and Goliath,

I still think it is the best we can do.  College teams are not like pro teams in that their team turns over much more quickly and looks substantially different from year to year.  I suppose, at least, unlike the NFL, in non-conference games you get to see the starters play the whole time.  Well, unless he is an OU quarterback.

Sure it would be nice to give them a preseason game to work the kinks out like the pros have, but there are two problems with this.  First, I absolutely abhor games that don't count.  I cannot get excited one iota for a game that doesn't matter.  Second, in a sport where the winner is determined by voting, there ARE NO games that don't count.  Even if you scheduled a scrimmage where you didn't keep score and you mixed up the players between the teams, there is no doubt that sportswriters would find some way to factor it into their rankings.

And so, I stick with the tried and true formula for preseason scheduling.  You get ONE creampuff and it needs to be week one, and it needs to be Division I.  No more games against teams that have the name of a local body shop on their jerseys.  It doesn't have to be a GOOD D-I team, but it has to be D-I.  Well, maybe there could be a waiver for teams that finished last in their conference.  And after all, this could lead to more of those early upsets that make us all giggly inside.

Second, you need a good regional matchup.  Intrastate rivalries between schools in different conferences fit well here.  Good for the region, good for the fans, and good to build history.  Unless that region is Iowa.

Third, a non regional team that is ranked about the same level as you.  I know these games are scheduled way in advance, but I say at least this game has to be scheduled after the end of the previous season.  Maybe there is a formula based on strength rankings where this game is determined.  Anything to make some better matchups.

You don't need any more than 3 non conference games, especially as we add Conference Championships, and hopefully move toward a playoff system of some kind.  That is the kind of hope and change I am looking for.

Couch Potato's Guide:

Duke at Kansas  11:00 AM  -  Versus
Why not to watch:  Hey, this is a really great matchup of legendary powerhouses.  Unfortunately, this time they are playing football.
Who will win:  The Fighting Manginos  35  -  Duke  2 (they got fouled but missed the "and 1").

Furman at Missouri  1:00 PM  -  FSN PPV
Why to watch:  The Tigers seek revenge on the guy that framed OJ.
Why not to watch:  You have to pay for it.
Who will win:  Missouri 42 boogers to 10.

at Oklahoma  2:30 PM  -  FSN

Why to watch:  The battle of division one teams from Oklahoma that didn't lose to Houston.  And to see how the Sooners do against a school that gives out scholarships.
Who will win:  Sooners win, but too close for comfort.  28 – 14.

at Virginia Tech  2:30  -  ABC
Why to watch:  This is the kind of scheduling I appreciate.  If I am not passed out from slogging through trying to mow a yard that is now a foot and a half tall from all of the rain, I will definitely tune in for this one.
Who will win:Virgina Tech 31- Nebraska 22

Tech at Texas  7:00 PM  -  ABC
Why to watch:  To reward the Big XII for moving a conference game up in the season to give us something to care about.  And because it should be a pretty solid matchup.
Who will win:  I think the Longhorns get their revenge at home against a reloading offense.  Texas 49- Texas Tech 35

at UCLA  9:15 PM  -  FSN
Why not to watch:  Fortunately for Bill Snyder, the potential recruits will already be passed out by this point.
Who will win:  UCLA  28 - 21

Other games:

Wyoming at Colorado  2:30 PM
Why not to care:  Because both states are square.  Isn't rhyming fun?
Who will win:  Wyoming  31 - 6

at Baylor  4:00 PM
Why not to care:  Just because both schools have really good women's basketball teams doesn't make the football game any better.
Who will win:  Baylor looks stronger this year.  They win 37 – 14.

at Texas A&M  6:00 PM
Why to care:  The Cult vs. Some Guys From Utah
Who will win:  Texas A&M  35 – Utah State 10

at Kent State  6:00 PM
Why not to care:  Too numerous to list.
Who will win:  Iowa State 17 - 9

Rice at Oklahoma State  6:00 PM
Why to care;  Can another school from Houston upset the Cowboys?
Who will win:  Rice isn't Houston.  OSU  49 – Rice 17


That's all for this week.  It's 12:15 am, so I will keep this short.  I'll be heading to JerryWorld on Sunday to watch the Cowboys – Giants matchup, so if you are going to be there, kick me an email.

Also, I would like to throw some random shouts out to Scott Reagh, Larry Staley, Da Xin, Brent Green, Jason Richardson, Randy Barras, and Darryl Muckleroy, NBC's  new show "Community" and frosted sugar cookies.

I now have a Facebook page, so if you are interested, become a fan of Psychoag and you will get updates not only for this column, but any other writing or youtube videos, etc that I put out there in cyberspace.

Emails and comments are always appreciated at psychoag98@yahoo.com And of course, if you want to discuss this with your fellow readers, you can post in the forum here.

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