Weakly Retort

PsychoAg joins us again for another edition of the Weakly Retort. A fan favorite since 2005, the Retort takes a light-hearted look at the college football landscape, with a specific emphasis on the Big 12.

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Things are slowly start to take shape in the Big XII, and that shape is a giant compass that points south.  The conference has 3 ranked teams in what appears to be a down year, and they are all in the Southern Division, Texas, Oklahoma State, and Oklahoma.  It doesn't look like anyone in the Big XII will be competing for the MNC this year so it will probably just come down to a slugfest for bowl pecking order, making each week even more interesting.  Crap.  I just wrote all that and then glanced down to see that Kansas was ranked at number 17.  As usual, I maintain my commitment to not go back and fact check so I will leave the above text as a testament to just how little meaningful research I actually do.  Only this time I lucked out and happened to catch myself before a flood of emails alerted me to the fact.  So let's get out our reading glasses, sharpen our pencils, and think of a five letter word for perineum to complete 35-across. _ _ I N T

20/20 Hindsight:

Nebraska  27  -  Missouri  12
The scoring in this one led off with one of my favorite football plays, the safety.  Not just because it is rare and usually an exciting play (unless it is just the kicker running out of the back of the end zone), but I like seeing players and fans erupting into "The Safety Dance."

And although Missouri scored again to lead 9 – 0 at the half, you know what they say, "In a monsoon, it's anybody's ballgame."  The Children of the Corn suddenly came to life in the 4th quarter, scoring 27 points, 20 of which in a span of just over 3 minutes early in the quarter.  It certainly didn't help the Missouri cause, that quarterback Blaine Gabbert was strug-uh-ling to the tune of 17 for 43 for 134 yards and two picks.  I admit it, I still giggle whenever I refer to a Missouri QB and picks.

  36  -  Texas A&M  31
Okay, I'm not trying to sound like sour grapes, but after the nonstop talk about how Oklahoma State was missing their top receiver, I wondered why it was never mentioned that A&M was also missing their top receiver.  Sure, Jeff Fuller isn't as crucial to the Aggie offense as Dez Bryant is to the Cowboys, but he was out with a broken leg while Dez was MIA for lying to an investigatory panel.  All things aside, the NCAA penalization of Oklahoma State on Saturday was nothing compared to the whistle-thumping laid on them by the zebras.  The Cowboys were hit 11 times for 118 yards, many times 15-yarders in key situations.  I haven't seen that much flying yellow laundry since Greg Wiggle's dressing room got broken into by the Tasmanian Devil.

However, it was Robinson through the air and Toston on the ground that eventually put the Aggies away in the second half.

  41  -  Iowa State  36
The Kansas offense seems to be in good hands as Todd Reesing has another outstanding showing, going 37 of 49 for 442 yards and four TDs.  And on the other end, receivers Kerry Meier and Dezmon Briscoe continue to play one up as they go back and forth breaking each other's records for career receptions.  Apparently they play other things as well, as big teddy bear coach Mark Mangino said of the duo, "It's hard to believe there's a better pitch-and-catch group in the country than those guys."  The defense, however, lives far more to be passionately desired, as they allow the lowly Cyclones to rack up over 500 yards of offense and 36 points.  The kicking game wasn't much better for either team, as the first 3 PATs of the game were missed.  Iowa State held firm until the end, but couldn't complete a 4th and 9 pass in the end zone with just under a minute left.  I'm sure Coach Mangino was really sweating this one out.  I mean, I'm sure he was sweating anyway, but this time he was REALLY sweating.

  33  -  Baylor  7
Art Briles and the Bears who have never gotten the better of Oklahoma faced off against Bob Stoops, who has never gotten the better of sensible headwear.  And nothing changed on Saturday, as the visored one welcomed back his starting QB Sam Bradford, who showed up along with 389 passing yards and a touchdown.  His numbers would have been even better if his receiving core wouldn't have eaten three tubs of movie popcorn before the game, leading to almost a dozen dropped passes.  I can't help but think that the Sooners were hoping for a better showing against the Bears and their 3rd string quarterback as they get ready to face off next weekend against the Longhorns in the only football game in Texas not played at Jerryworld.

  38  -  Colorado  14
Once again, the Longhorns started off slowly, trailing 14 – 3 amidst a chorus of boos, before all of the burnt orange t-shirt owners from community colleges in the greater Austin area became jubilant when Mack Brown's crew was able to pull away in the second half.  This is not the game that Austin was hoping for as the Longhorns managed a paltry 313 yards and only 46 yards on the ground.  That was still far superior to the Buffali, who only put together 127 total yards of offense, barely enough to make it down the field once.  Both teams also spent the game mired in penalties as, forget what I said about the OSU game, the Horns racked up 8 for 93 yards, and Colorado was whistled for 20 penalties for 140 yards, more than they had in total offense.  Fortunately for the Horns, Jordan Shipley is bills-in-the-mail fast.  He had 147 yards receiving as well as a punt return for a touchdown.  Yet despite all of this, the Longhorns just aren't playing like the number 3 team.  In fact, at this point I will go on record as saying they are more overrated than that crushed ice feature on your refrigerator.  You know, how you see it in the store and you are like, "sweet, this thing makes crushed ice, I'll take it" but you get it home and when you actually crush the ice it is more like randomly shaped pebbles mixed in with snowconesque ice shavings and it kind of just piles up on your face when you try and drink your beverage and you swear you will never use it again.  Texas is kind of like that.

Texas Tech  66  -  Kansas State  14
The Red Raiders show that just about anybody can put up big numbers in this offense as backup quarterback Steven Sheffield plugs in for 490 passing yards and seven touchdowns in his first career start.  The LOLcats were outgained 739 yards to 284 and looked completely overmatched in every phased of the game, including rushing where the Raider Air Assault piled up 185 yards on the ground, en route to scoring at least two touchdowns in each period..  It kind of had that odd look to it, like when you see a bird running down the street, and you kind of wonder why it doesn't just fly.  I mean it is a bird, and that's what birds do.  Maybe it is just sandbagging because it is being chased by a wildcat that only has one leg.  Sadly, the only way that these Wildcats stood a chance would be if Coach Bill Snyder hopped aboard a broom and somehow grabbed the golden snitch.

My 98 Cents Worth:

Well, we are about halfway through the season and this is about the time I start getting lots of emails from confused people wondering many things about this silly little column.  So, I've taken a collection of the most frequently asked questions that I typically receive and will try and address those here.

Wait, did you go to Tech or A&M?
I am a Texas A&M Graduate, Class of 1998 (hence all of the '98 references) with a BS in Electrical Engineering.  I am a die hard maroon-blooded Aggie that yells himself hoarse at games and roots for his team until the bitter end.  I do have a soft spot for Tech because I grew up a Tech fan.  Most of my family went to Tech, and my dad even played baseball for the Red Raiders in the 70s, and I have made a few trips to Lubbock every year of my life.  However, once I began to spread my wings and decide where I wanted to go, I felt I had the best fit with A&M, and those that know me personally don't doubt this one bit.

Okay, so why do you write for a Tech site?
Quite simply, because they asked me to.  I posted a lot over on the Texas Tech forums because I liked the discussion and after awhile the site owners approached me and asked if I would write an "outsider's column".  I had no idea what to write and just started taking the approach of a Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update, but applying it to College Football and this is the resulting afterbirth.

But where did the stupid name come from?
Back when I was a young engineer, I was required to submit weekly status reports.  Never passing up a chance to try and amuse people, I started putting it witty comments and such in order to try and liven up an otherwise dry status update.  My Aggie boss loved them, but suggested I drop the comments since they were forwarded on to upper management as well.  So, I created to versions, the "Weekly Report" which was boring and went to management, and the "Weekly Retort" which included the comments and rants and went to coworkers.  I carried the name over when I started my own humorous website where I wrote letters to companies, rants, and all other things.  But once I couldn't keep up with the "weekly" updates, I changed the name to "The Weakly Retort" and since it doesn't make grammatical since (and I am such a spelling/grammar snob) I decided to leave it.  When I started the column, the site owner saw "The Weakly Retort" in my signature and thought it was what I was calling the column, and the name stuck.

Well, those are just a few insights, but if you have any other questions, feel free to email me and I will address them here next week.

Couch Potato's Guide:

Oklahoma vs Texas  11:00 AM on ABC
Why to Watch:  Classic matchup of ranked teams in a stadium that resembles Sandra Bernhard with a fancy new hat.

Who Will Win:  Texas starts off slow again and can't quite get it going in the most unentertaining  Red River Shootouts in years.  Sooners win, 28 mildewy bathrooms to 17.

Tech at Nebraska  2:30 PM on ABC
Why to Watch:  Both teams seem to be like the puppy that lost its way and then found it again.  It will be interesting to see how Air Raid Lite does against the original.
Who Will Win:  Tech is a different team on the road and I don't think they can hang with Nebraska.  Cornhuskers win 31 eyepatches to 21 peg legs.

at Colorado  6:00 PM on FSN
Why to Watch:  Todd Reesing should have a field day against the woeful Buffaleaux.
Who Will Win:  Even though Mangino will be huffing and puffing on the mountaintop, they will still be able to make out enough playcalls in the wireless headset to beat Colorado.  Kansas wins 49 Systolic / 14 Diastolic. (Yes, I know that would actually be low blood pressure, but even I wasn't going to predict the score to be 185 to 140.

A&M at Kansas State  6:00 PM on FCS
Why to Watch:  Hey, 11 years ago, these teams played for the Big XII Championship.  Now they are in standard def on FCS.
Who Will Win:  A&M ends their losing streak in their first true road game, 45 squozen balls to 10.

at Oklahoma State  8:15 PM on ESPN2
Why to Watch:  Should be a pretty good matchup, and it is on TV so you don't have to listen to those horrid radio announcers from OSU.
Who Will Win:  Oklahoma State,  38 "pistols firing!" to 30.  Don't ask me how they get 30.  I guess I am subconsciously hoping for a safety.

Baylor at Iowa State  6:00 PM
Why to Care:  Yeah, I've got nothing here.
Who Will Win:  The Cyclones are too much for Baylor at home.  Iowa State wins, 21 "You can dance if you want to"s to 17 "You can't dance, even if you want to"s.

In Conclusion:

Well that is it for this week.  Next week, I will be doing the middle segment on Tailgating, so send me your best tailgating stories, tips, locations, and if you have any tailgates planned that you want to announce for whatever game you will be attending, let me know and I will post them.  I will be heading out to Lubbock for the A&M – Tech game and hanging out at numerous tailgates, including Grills Gone Wild, where I may be rolling some footage for another video.

As always, I appreciate the 133 fans on Facebook.  For your enjoyment (or not), I have begun posting some older, non-sports material that I used to write for my old website "The Weakly Retort" (yeah, I am kind of stuck on that name like Rain Man on Wapner).  I posted a letter I wrote to the Heinz company complaining about the size of their ketchup packaging.  This week I will post a link to a letter I wrote to Levi's with a new product idea (Plumber Jeans).

You can always email me at psychoag98@yahoo.com and discuss on the Raiderpower forum thread here.

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