Weakly Retort

PsychoAg joins us again for another edition of the Weakly Retort. A fan favorite since 2005, the Retort takes a light-hearted look at the college football landscape, with a specific emphasis on the Big 12.

Untitled 1


It is a good thing I don't gamble on sports, because otherwise I would be hanging upside-down from a balcony by a stereotype named "Guido".  My picks were particularly horrendous last week as I only got 2 of 6 right, and that wasn't even picking against the spread.  Okay, I am going to take a detour here.  Last night (Thursday), which is normally the night when I finish up The Retort, I spent most of it throwing up in my first ever non-Goldschlager induced vomiting.  Never had a stomach bug before, so this was a new experience. Also a new experience was the feeling of Rosa's fajitas (which I had covered in jalapenos) being ejected through my nasal cavity.  Highly unpleasant, I can assure you, sort of like what I imagine tear gas feels like.  At first, I thought God may have been playing a practical joke on me due to a joke a used in the Texas – OU write up.  Then, I thought it was something I ate, but my four-year-old daughter had the same thing, and in the Venn diagram of things we both eat, there is only a faint sliver that overlaps, and it contains bananas, pizza and cookies, none of which was likely to be the cause of our distress.  So, I can only conclude that it was a short acting stomach bug because I feel much better this morning.  Assuming that neither of us is running a fever, we will be headed out to Lubbock this afternoon so that I can witness another event tomorrow evening that very well may induce the same response as the stomach bug.  Just for fun, I am putting everything I wrote post-vomit in blue text, just to see if my writing style has differed.  You will also get a chance to see just how much I jump around while I am writing this.  So let's grab our air sickness bags and get ready to barrel roll.

20/20 Hindsight:

Texas  16  -  Oklahoma  13
We've come to expect classic matchups whenever the Horns and Sooners square off in Laura Miller's Toilet.  However, this was not one of them. Sam Bradford had his college career ended almost as soon as the game started due to his offensive line's penchant for playing the role of a cape-waving matador, only without the part where they stab the defensive end with a sword.  Or maybe it was the fact that the Longhorns could only ring up 269 total yards and the Sooners posted a jaw-dropping -16 yards rushing which means they would have been better off just spiking the ball.  Perhaps it was the combined 21 penalties for 228 yards that gave this game the face only a mother could love.  Still, my vote is the fact that between the two teams they coughed up more balls than a bulimic at a calf fry with Texas giving it away three times and the Sooners returning the favor five times of their own.  There really isn't much to say about this game other than the fact that Texas doesn't yet appear to be a national championship contender, and could be the worst 6 – 0 team in history.

  33  -  Missouri  17
The OSU Cowboys continue to climb back up in the rankings, even with out Dez "You Lie!" Bryant hauling in passes for them.  Missouri came out rolling, but couldn't get anything going in the second half and failed to put up any more points.  The Tigers piled up yards, but their 3 – 15 on third downs combined with four turnovers sealed their fate.

Tech  31  -  Nebraska  10
This game featured the two most confused looking coaches in the NCAA in Mike Leach and Bo Pelini.


I can't help but think that if you were telling a joke to the two of them that you would be compelled to back track and repeat the punchline about three times.  You know, kind of like how Jay Leno tells EVERY joke.  The Red Raiders didn't stun everyone with their offense, the week after Sheffield throws for 490 yards and 7 TDs, but instead got it done by Ruffin the Quarterback (rock me) as McNeil's defense totaled 5 sacks and held Air Husker to a single touchdown.  If this Raider team can put the offense and defense together, not only will they create a word that will piss off my spell checker, but they can beat any team in the Big XII.  I'm just praying that odfefense holds off for another week.  Unfortunately for the Raiders it appears that Sheffield will be out with a broken foot, meaning the are going to be stuck playing their starter.

  34  -  Kansas  30
Well this one was certainly an upset.  Dan Hawkins did what my pony-league baseball coach never could, which was to pull his son for someone that could actually be effective.  Tyler Hansen, not to be confused with Taylor Hanson the effeminate child MMMBop singer, took off his redshirt, put on a jersey and came out to lead the Buffaloes to a win over 17th ranked Kansas.  The Buffalae scored 24 points in the second quarter and held on to win 34 – 30.  I can only wonder how many Dorito's were consumed in Boulder that night, both on the part of the celebrating Buffalo fans and Coach Mangino, who no doubt locked himself in his hotel room for an orange dust tinged pity party.

State  24  -  Baylor  10
The Bears continue to suffer through their backup quarterback woes, this time allowing Iowa State up off the mat with their first Big XII win since 2007.  The one time starter Blake Szymanski, whose name would totally tear up a game of Scrabble, passed for 223 yards, but with 3 INTs and no touchdowns.  According to the ESPN writeup, before the second half kickoff a rabbit ran onto the field, blew through the Iowa State kickoff coverage and into the endzone, prompting Baylor coach Art Briles to tender him a scholarship offer.  Okay, I added that last part.

  62  -  Texas A&M  14
Good freaking grief.  The only thing I can think of is that Will Smith pulled out that little flashy thing from Men In Black and completely erased the minds of the A&M football team, wiping out basic motor skills in the process.  After an Aggie fumble on the second play of the game, the Wildcats quickly jumped out to a 17 – 0 first quarter lead, and went to the locker room up 38 – 0 at the half.  Now, if you are a coach, what kind of motivational speech do you give when you are getting completely donkeypunched on the road?  Apparently it went something like this, "Okay, we're going to go out there and kick the ball deep.  I want everyone to get out of their lanes, and show me a whole bunch of shoulder tackles, and let's see if we can't let them take one to the house."  For once, the Aggie team followed the game plan, leading to Brandon Banks' 97 yard kick return to open the second half.  Even the seemingly secure Jerrod Johnson who had gone 242 pass attempts without throwing an interception decided he would be extra generous, throwing three picks and getting sacked six times.  But the good news, according to the announcers, is that this is a young team, which means they will be around for three more years…

My 98 Cents Worth:  Tailgating

I had originally planned on doing a writeup here about the joys of tailgating and how it is one of the ways that college football is made even greater.  However, given that I don't really want to talk a whole lot about food right now, and it is already 10:15 on Friday, I think I will save this for next week.

Couch Potato's Guide:

Iowa State at Nebraska  11:30 on FSN
Why to watch:  You want to watch football in the morning and you live in Big XII Nouth territory.  The Cornhusker try to recover from getting bested at home by the Raiders, while Iowa State tries to figure out what a conference winning streak is.  I think the wrath of the Huskers will more than overcome.
Who will win:
  Nebraska pours on the High Fructose Corn Syrup  41 - 10

at Baylor  11:30 on Versus
Why to watch:  You want to watch football in the morning and you live in Big XII South territory.  Both teams are missing a key ingredient to their offense, but I think Baylor is going to be the one leaving with a bad taste in their mouth.
Who will win:
  Oklahoma State 51 Magic Meatloafs to 12.

at Kansas State  11:30 on FCS
Why to watch:  Really?  Three games on at the same time?  Do we have Rain Man negotiating on TV contracts?  Both teams come in on a high from wins last week, although in the case of Colorado I think a lot more Visine was involved. I still think the LOLcats may be the better team, but this quarterback change may spark up the Buffalo offense.  Advantage to KSU playing at home.
Who will win:
  Kansas State, 35 glasses-wearing woodchucks to 28.

at Kansas  2:30 on ABC
Why to watch:  Two solid Big XII teams that took it on the chin last week look to rebound.  Kansas still looks to figure in the conference race while Oklahoma may just be playing for the bowl pecking order.  Kansas has the better quarterback at this point, and is playing at home, but the OU defense is solid, making for an interesting matchup.
Who will win:
  Kansas 17 lowered expectations to 10.

at Missouri  7:00 on ABC
Why to watch:  A prime time matchup between Big XII teams, that's why.  Texas has been playing with fire all season and eventually they are going to get burned.  Is Missouri the team to get it done?  And so help me, if any of you just said, "Get R Done!" allow me to e-smack you.

Ooh, check out my abs and my Wolverine haircut.
Who will win:
  Night games on the road are tough.  I am going to go out on a limb and pick the Tigers to upset.  24 burnt oranges to 21.

A&M at Texas Tech  6:00
Why not to watch:  Because it is the only Big XII game not on TV this week.  Why?  Because none of the sports channels will carry programming with a TV-MA rating (disturbing images).  Based on "football math", which is a course only offered at OU, since Tech beat Kansas State 66 – 14, and Kansas State beat A&M 62 – 14, then by all rights, Tech should beat A&M 128 – 28.  I hope they are fitting the scoreboard in Lubbock for that third digit, because they just may need it.
Who will win:  You know what?  I am going to say Tech wins doing the Safety Dance, 2 – 0.

In Conclusion:

I'm not sure what is going on in the Big XII.  The following teams all had negative rushing yards this week:  Kansas, Oklahoma, Texas A&M, and Tech only had 25.  Who would have thought you would have seen Tech outrush those three teams?

Other than that, I think I am spent.
  The Psychoag Facebook page just hit the 150 fan mark, so for those of you that are fans, I will be posting some bonus material, this time a letter I wrote about 10 years ago to my home builder bitching about my attic steps.  If you want to become a fan, just search for Psychoag on the Facebook search engine.  For those of you that don't use Facebook but want to read the letters, let me know and I will send you a direct link.  You can always send me email at psychoag98@yahoo.com  I love reading them and try to respond to all of them.

You can also discuss with your fellow Retords on the
RaiderPower Forums here.

I will also be tailgating out a the game, assuming that my kiddo's fever comes down.  The little one is staying here with mama, but my 4-year-old really wants to make the trip.  I will be checking out Smoking Grills Gone Wild as well as some other tailgates in the area, and may even be rolling some film if I can keep everything together.



Inside the Red Raiders Top Stories