Weakly Retort

PsychoAg joins us again for another edition of the Weakly Retort. A fan favorite since 2005, the Retort takes a light-hearted look at the college football landscape, with a specific emphasis on the Big 12.

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First of all, thank you to all of those of you who sent kind words, said prayers, sent thoughtful emails, or even wished me dead because it was opposite day.  After my most unglorious evening spent in my converted vomitorium, I was able to get things pulled together enough to take my four-year-old daughter to Lubbock for the game.  Further proving that I don't fact check, even when it comes to the events of my own life, it turns out that I did in fact have one previous round of upchuckage that was not due to any gold fleck laden cinnamon schnapps.  I had somehow forgotten about the deep sea fishing trip we decided to make during Tropical Storm Andrew, where we tackled 12 foot swells for six hours aboard the Texsun II.  And I will leave it at that.  As for the game, I must admit it feels good to finally see a win in Lubbock after sitting through 7 straight losses dating back to 1995 when Zach Thomas intercepted a Corey Pullig pass and took it to the house.  So, if you will grant me a moderately loud "Whoop!", I will then continue on with the column.

20/20 Hindsight:

Iowa State  9  -  Nebraska  7
Iowa State came in completely overmatched in a game they were underdogs by almost 3 touchdowns, with several key injuries and a handful of other players slowed by mud butt.  Yet it was the Cornhusker offense that played like the caca-doody and the stinky-stinky.  (There are about three of you out there that will actually get that Chapelle's Show reference but I am leaving it in anyway.)  Despite outgaining the Cyclones, Nebraska had more senseless giveaways than a ‘90s job fair, including four inside the five yard line, which ultimately proved to be their undoing.  And it doesn't look good for the Huskers as this marks their second straight home loss, and the first time Iowa State has won on the road against Nebraska since 1977.  In fact, I don't think we've seen this disappointed of a Lincoln since Honest Abe on his honeymoon.  Woof.

Oklahoma State  34  -  Baylor  7
Zac Robinson has this football thing down.  He is the football equivalent of a surgeon, and not one of those hacks that cuts off the wrong leg and accidentally leaves a hospital gown in your abdomen when he stitches you up, I mean one of those good kind.  The OSU scalpel jockey completed 23 of 27 for 250 yards and 3 touchdowns en route to slicing up the Baylor defense.  He did it without the help of wide receiver standout Dez Bryant, who looks to be suspended for the remainder of the season.  The 85% completion percentage broke coach Mike Gundy's record of 77% that he had against Kansas in 1989.  "I hope he breaks them all," said Gundy who was obviously lying.  On the other side of the field, the Baylor Bears made the horrific decision of wearing all gold uniforms in celebrating their Homecoming.  Compounding that fact, the uniforms were kind of washed out looking, creating a look that somewhat resembled clay-colored stools.  You know what?  I like that.  I think I am going to reinvent myself as a country singer named Clay Stools.

  20  -  Colorado  6
I couldn't really think of anything to write here, so I just turned it over to some Colorado fans and let them write it for me.  Dude?  Is this thing on?  Sweet.  Football is starting to suck.  Remember when they used to have five downs?  That was awesome.  And why do they call it football, that's like so, you know, so, did you watch Spongebob yesterday?  That was awesome.  Our quarterback is terrible.  10 for 23 for 95 yards and two picks?  Not cool.  Okay, thanks guys.  Last time I do that.

  35  -  Kansas  13
The Sooners Defense continues to prove that I really don't know much of anything about football.  A week after I crow about how great Todd Reesing is, the crimson creamers pull down interceptions on each of Kansas' first three possessions.  OU has been able to smooth over the season ending injury of "He Who Stares at Bridge of Nose" primarily by relying on a pretty salty defense.  Maybe not "State Fair Pretzel" salty, but getting pretty close.  The problem is that being one game behind Texas, and having lost to them, it is going to be very tough for them to catch the Longhorns this season.  In fact, I think I have a better chance of lassoing a cocktail peanut from the back of a mechanical bull.  I really have no idea what that means or why I wrote it.

A&M  52  -  Texas Tech  30
Man, I did not see this coming.  In fact, I doubt that anyone did.  Normally before this game, both sides are going back and forth talking a little smack, crowing about how their school is going to win.  This scene was far different, in that each side spent the whole time trying to convince their opponent that THEY were going to win.  It was like watching two British guys with monocles trying to enter a building.  "After you."  "No, after you."  "I insist after you."  "Bank error in your favor, collect 200 dollars."  It was just wheird.  And the game started out like the Aggie fans were right.  Tech converts a fourth and one for a touchdown on the first drive, only to have A&M hand it right back to them.  But then things got a little crazy.  First of all, Tech got bitten by the penalty bug, which is similar to a mosquito, only far more irritating and it won't give you West Nile Virus.  Drive killing penalties on offense and drive extending penalties when on defense kept the Aggies in the game and even let them build a bit of lead.  Then the Aggies defense got into the picture as NCAA sack leader Von Miller played the pigeon to Taylor Potts' statue, crapping all over him in the backfield and leading to three turnovers before he was pulled in favor of Seth Doege as the students rained down chants of "No More Potts!"  I think one of the key advantages for A&M was that they had so many freshmen and sophomores that had never played a game in Lubbock and didn't realize they were supposed to lose.

  20  -  Colorado  6
Hey, it's us again.  The Colorado fans.  Like, did you guys really just say "No More Potts"?  Um, if you're serious, could you like, maybe, send him our way?  We'll take any Potts we can get.  That would be rad.  Oh, and some Funyuns.

  41  -  Missouri  7
The Longhorns break tradition by actually coming out and dominating the first half of the game.  The soon to be love slave of Brent Musburger's underground perv dungeon put up solid numbers completing 26 of 31 for three touchdowns and one pick.  Meanwhile, on the other sideline, the Tigers didn't get such an effort from Blaine Gabbert, a name which sounds funny when you hear it come from a nasally voice like mine, as he completes just half his passes, going 8 for 16 with 84 yards and a touchdown.  Coach Gary Pinkel said, "I don't care if it's the New England Patriots, I expect them to play better than that."  To which his players responded, "LOL SRSLY?  WTF?"  The Horns continue to lead the pack and although I still see flaws in their game, nobody has knocked them off yet.

My 98 Cents Worth:  Tailgating

This past weekend, I got to do one of my favorite things associated with college football.  No, I don't mean listening to Dave South on the radio, I am talking about tailgating.  There is just something about sitting out with a group of fellow fans, eating freshly grilled meat, drinking home brewed beer and talking sports that just makes things better.  The absolute best time to tailgate is before the game, because nobody is pissed off yet and fans from all schools can join together in a veritable Kum-Ba-Yah of sportsmanship.  There is always a sea of RVs with generators blaring, school flags waving and grills that are larger than most people's living rooms.  I have one of those Coleman Fire and Ice grills that is kind of an odd combination of an ice chest and a propane-fueled George Foreman Lean Mean Fat Reducing Grilling Machine. I made the mistake of showing up with it to a tailgate a few years ago.  Someone actually picked my grill up and cooked it on top of their grill.  

I have now learned the secret to successful tailgating:  if you don't have the proper equipment for conducting a successful tailgate, just show up at someone else's with beer and cash for the donations jar.  Pol Pot could crash a tailgate if he had a twacker of Shiner Bock and a couple Andrew Jacksons.

The problem with today's tailgating scene is that the event hosts have gotten wise to it and have started to over-regulate the pregame festivities.  It didn't work for the financial industry and it isn't going to work for the tailgate industry either.  Whether it is making rules about how much space you can take up or charging $2000 just to have a space to begin with, schools and pro teams are slowly crippling the ability of the fans to show up and have a good time.  I would love to see a new stadium built with a whole endzone dedicate to tailgaters, so you could just grill up some brontosaurus ribs and tap a keg of Natty Light right there during the game.

This past weekend, I got to hangout at "Smoking Grills Gone Wild", an annual event in Raiderland held during either the A&M game or the Texas game, depending on which one is in Lubbock that year.  Great food, some homemade beer and the chance to hang out with a bunch of fellow Retords.  There were several other tailgates I meant to get to, but I got into town late due to the yakfest I mentioned last week.

The downside to tailgates is the postgame tailgate.  The reason for this is you can guarantee that about half the people are going to be upset due to the outcome.  Or in the case of SGGW, about 95% of them.  Fortunately, everyone was still civil and put up with my goofy grin for quite a while before duct taping me in a cooler.

Coach Potato's Guide:

Nebraska  at  Baylor  11:30 am on Versus
Why not to watch:  The battle of two subpar offenses plays out on a subpar network.
Who will win:  I have to say that there is no way that Nebraska loses a third straight game, even if it is on the road in Waco.  Huskers win, 14 loose foots to 6.

  at  Colorado  12:30 am on FSN
Why not to watch:  Two struggling teams from the North do battle to see who can slip into obscurity first.  Plus, this way you won't have to listen to the announcers talk about altitude for 3 hours.
Who will win:  Missouri , 28 nose boulders to 16 city of Boulders.

  at  Texas A&M  2:30 pm
Why not to watch:  Because once again, the Aggies plan in the only Big XII game not on television.  I think "Cop Rock" spent more time on the air than the 2009 Aggies.
Who will win:  Given that the Aggies are 0 – 3 when on TV and 4 – 0 when they aren't, this bodes well for the maroons.  Aggies win this one 35 "Joanie Loves Chachis" to 21 "That ‘80s Shows".

  at  Texas Tech  2:30 pm on ABC
Why to watch:  Two teams upset last week look to rebound.  Todd Reesing tries to not make me look like such an idiot and Mike Leach tries to get back into the good graces of his players' girlfriends.
Who will win:  I think with Seth Doege M.D. at the helm and with the game in Lubbock that the Raiders have the best chance to bounce back.  However, since my picks are a kiss of death, I will do the Raider Nation a solid and pick Kansas to win  48 Vinny Delpinos to 42 Not-So-Fat Girlfriends named Wanda.

  at  Oklahoma  6:00 pm  on FSN
Why to watch:  Battle of the two one-loss teams in the Big XII as they try and work their way back to the top of the pecking order and into the hearts of the various bowl selection committees, who, like the scarecrow, do seem to have hearts but oftentimes appear to be missing a brain.
Who will win:  I think Oklahoma is the better team, especially with their great big D.  This game isn't in Kansas anymore, Sooners win 21 flying monkeys to 13 men behind the curtain.

Texas  at  Oklahoma State  7:00 pm on ABC
Why to watch:  The premiere matchup of the week as undefeated Big XII South teams square off in a game with so much orange it will look like The Great Pumpkin ate a whole trick-or-treat bag full of laxatives.
Who will win:  If history is any guide, Oklahoma State will pull a Greg Norman and jump out to an early lead and then fail to hang on when it counts.  Longhorns continue to be the shakiest undefeated team in the country, 38 Blockheads to 35 Good Griefs.

In Conclusion:

I hope everyone is enjoying this fall weather, well except for the monsoons.  Make sure you shuffle your kids hurriedly through the neighborhood to gather razor blade laden apples from perverts in time to get back and watch the big games of the evening.

The Facebook site now has 166 fans, and so shouts go out to all of you.  Random shouts out to Man With No Name for hosting yet another successful SGGW and my uncle Mark who got me tickets to the game, even though it meant he had to sit by me the entire time.  For the Facebook fans, I will be including a letter I wrote to the Betty Ford Clinic about a particular Halloween addiction that I have been coping with.

As always, I can be reached at psychoag98@yahoo.com and I really love reading your emails.  You can also discuss in the Raiderpower Forums here.

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