Weakly Retort

PsychoAg joins us again for another edition of the Weakly Retort. A fan favorite since 2005, the Retort takes a light-hearted look at the college football landscape, with a specific emphasis on the Big 12.

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Ugh.  The ailment of the week this week is "lower back".  I think it is a combination of the way I serve daily as the "NO" example of sitting posture and my odd insistence on repeatedly acquiescing to the "Again!"s of throwing my giant kids up in the air.  At the rate I am going, I should have everything crossed off of my Hypochondriac's Bucket List in short order.  Next week:  spastic colon.  I am also very glad that I am not a gambler (unless you count the stock market) because I continue to pick game winners with all of the accuracy of a buddy's one-sided account of an argument with his wife.  "So then I told her that if I want to stay out late drinking with you guys, then I'm going to do what I want and she ain't the boss of me, and I'm the man of this household.  But I didn't make it because I, uh, couldn't find my keys." I am now deluged with requests by fans of all sides to pick against their team in order to do them a favor.  Just for that, I predict you will all have four-hour "you know whats" requiring you to consult your physician.  How's that for opposite day?

As for actual football stuff, it looks like the Big XII is partying unlike it is 1979.  That was horrible, and of course I am leaving it in.  But, teams continue to beat each other up to the point that only Texas and Oklahoma State are still ranked.  In the Big XII North, only 2 losses separate first from last.  I previously thought that there is no way that Texas could run the table, but I think they are starting to get things together.  Still, I can't help the schadenfreude in me (no, I'm not going to spellcheck that) that thinks either A&M or the Big XII North Champ will knock them off.  So, let's grab our calculators and get ready to average.

20/20 Hindsight:

Texas  35  -  UCF  3
This game didn't start out very well for the Longhorns, including one of the most horrifically executed flea flickers in the history of modern football.  But once again, the Jordan Shipley show came to light as the sixth-year Texas Senior (thank God) grabbed eleven passes for 273 yards, including a ridiculous 88 yard strike where he completely left the defense in the dust.  McCoy continues to put up better numbers each week (although this week against an admittedly weaker opponent) carving up the Knight defense going 33 of 42 for 470 yards and 2 touchdowns.  The crowd also seemed to struggle early as it took a while to fill the stadium, no doubt due to the ennui generated by having to play a non-conference game this late in the season.  Still, Coach Butterteeth had to be creepily grinning from ear to ear and clapping his hands until they bled after watching his team roll over yet another speed bump on the way to the title.

  17  -  Kansas  10
Apparently Todd Reesing has also fallen victim to the Psychoag curse as I touted him early in the season, only to see him fall apart like shop-class birdhouse.  Still, Coach Mark Mangino defended his quarterback, saying "I'm not going to be critical of a player who gives his heart and soul to the program."  He then added, "Maybe some day he will be called on to give his heart to ol' Coach Mangino", smiled nervously and then asked Reesing if he had signed the back of his drivers' license.  Meanwhile, Kansas State, who actually lost to ULaLa, now leads the Big XII North, and they are doing it with a devastating rushing attack.  Pushing this whole "passing" thing to the back burner, the Wildcats only aired it out 16 times and put up Cleveland Brownesque numbers, completing 7 for 66 yards.  However, they piled up 266 yards of rushing and forced three turnovers. 

Colorado  35  -  Texas A&M  34
Good freaking grief.  The Aggies seized control of this game early, but like the plot of a low-budget horror film, the Aggies simply refused to put two silver bullets in the chest, sever the head, grind the body up into a fine powder, put it all into a rocket, fire it into the sun, and put Colorado away.  I can only assume that mean ol' Mr. Altitude crept up on the Aggies late in the second half  and slit their Achilles' tendon with one of those old things people actually use to shave with.

Note to self: Never just plug "razor blade" into Yahoo images again.  This world has some completely effed up people in it.  The Aggies had some big plays in this game, including a 99-yard kick return by Cyrus Gray to answer a score by the Buffaloes, but ultimately they succumbed to the curse of the TV.  The Aggies are now 5 – 0 when not on TV, and 0 – 4 when they are televised.  I am beginning to think that they are the college football version of Michigan J. Frog.

They perform great when nobody is watching, but as soon as everybody pays attention, they roll over and croak, leaving a very frustrated Mike Sherman pulling his hair out.  For those of you kids that completely missed the reference here, please invest 6 minutes of your time getting some culture by clicking here:  One Froggy Evening

Baylor  40  -  Missouri  32
In yet another Bizzaroland Big XII game, the Baylor Bears go on the road and upset the Missouri Tigers.  Both teams decided to "Shun the Run", which would be a horrible slogan for a baseball team, and take to the skies as the two teams combined for almost 900 yards passing and put more balls in the air than a nude Cirque de Soleil.  I promise, one of these days I will run out of teste jokes.  But not this year.  The Tigers held a 27 – 16 halftime lead thanks to a 20 point outburst in the second quarter.  And although they did break out the Safety Dance in the second half (puzzling the Baylor fans who wondered why they weren't arrested), they only managed 5 points, while the Bears were able to ring up 24 for the win.

  34  -  Iowa State  8
Oklahoma State runningback Keith Toston had a career day to lead the Cowboys by rushing for 206 yards and scoring three touchdowns.  Without even watching the game, I can guarantee you that at some point in the game, one of the announcers picked the low-hanging fruit and said "He is just Toston the Iowa State defense today."  At which point, his broadcast partner clicked send on the final wire transfer to the offshore account of the hitman he had been lining up for the past three weeks.  The Cyclones were downgraded to a category "Nancy" as they manage only 242 yards off offense and turn the ball over three times.  Fortunately, they decide to go for two after their lone touchdown in the fourth quarter, or this one could have been REALLY embarrassing.

  10  -  Oklahoma  3
This is one of those games where the stats tell a completely different story.  The Cornhuskers were outgained 325 – 180, had 11 penalties for 194 yards and only converted ONE of their 14 third downs, but still won the game.  Largely in part to the FIVE picks thrown by Oklahoma and the three missed field goals.  Do you think Coach Stoops was happy with this effort?  And when did Josh Heupel start looking like an old lesbian?

 For crying out loud, this guy almost won a Heisman.  Now he is roaming the sidelines in a visor with his round pudgy face and grown out flat top.  That was the best picture I can find, but if you watched the game, it doesn't do his new look justice.

My 98 Cents Worth:  Branching Out

I have been presented with a unique opportunity that I wanted to share with you, the readers.   No, it doesn't involve P90X workout DVDs, Amway, or putting your car keys in a giant fish bowl.  I am currently working with one of our readers to pitch the concept of expanding The Weakly Retort to include a radio show and podcast.  Notice, I didn't say "becoming", I said "expanding", because if this does come about, the column will continue in all of its Friday silliness.  In fact, I would use the two to support each other.

And this is where I need your help.  First, I would love your thoughts on whether this is viable.  The show would be based out of DallasFort Worth and would focus on Big XII Football, especially the Big XII South.  Nobody in DFW spends any meaningful time discussing the Big XII, unless it is a few brief segments on Texas and OU.  This would be a one or two hour show that would focus on past games, upcoming games, and a few general topics (sound familiar?).  The atmosphere would be kind of like a radio version of a tailgate party.

Some other thoughts being kicked around are doing it Saturday morning, and actually broadcast from some tailgate parties, or Thursday night from local sports bars and then podcasting for download on Friday or Saturday.  It is all kind of a blur right now, but I think it can congeal into something fun.

What are your thoughts?  Would you make an effort to find and listen to a Big XII football radio show?  What would you like to see covered?  I really appreciate any feedback.

Couch Potato's Guide

#3 Texas  at  Baylor  11:00 am on FSN
Why to watch:  Every game become more and more important for the Longhorns as they fight to stay among the ranks of the unbeatens, knowing that any week could end their championship hopes.
Who will win:  But this isn't that week.  The Longhorns keep things rolling and the Bears don't get to celebrate as the team that knocked the Big XII  into obscurity.  Longhorns 45 butter-colored teeth to 10 pairs of dancing shoes that still have the annoying cardboard semicircle and the little "do not eat" thingy tucked inside them.

  at  Kansas State  11:30 am on Versus
Why not to watch:  I mean, I guess KSU is the best team in the Big XII North, but that just doesn't excite me.
Who will win:  Given that they are playing in Bill Snyder Stadium, the Wildcats win the battle for feline supremacy by a whisker (rock me), 28 minutes of incessant self-licking to 24 hours spent ignoring you.

  at  Iowa State  1:00 pm
Why not on TV:  Because you wouldn't watch it if it were.
Who will win:  Those who don't even listen on the radio.  Iowa State wins the game though, 21 so-what's to 10 I-may-skim-over-the-box-scores.

  at  Kansas  2:30 pm on ABC
Why to watch:  Good freaking grief, I just pulled out a nose hair and I have tears streaming down my face.  If my wife were to walk in, she would think I was watching the last play of the 1996 Big XII Championship game again, or updating my 401k.  As for the game, I suppose it is worth checking out to see if Nebraska can hang in the North race.  No, not Scandinavians, I mean the Big XII North division race.
Who will win:  Kansas rebounds, just to confuse things, 17 Vikings to 12 Swedish Bikini Teams.

A&M  at  Oklahoma  6:00 pm on FSN
Why to watch:  There was a time when this would have been a pretty interesting matchup.  If you really like the color red and variants thereof, then allow your eyes to be dazzled by the uniformic stylings of the Aggies and Sooners.
Who will win:  Despite the fact that the A&M athletic department has been running non-stop ads telling fans to call their cable company and ask them to DROP Fox Sports Net, the game will still have TV cameras present, which will add 10 pounds to the Aggies' ineptitude.  Oklahoma 41 – Texas A&M 21.

Tech  at  #19 Oklahoma State  7:00 pm on ABC
Why to watch:  Best matchup of the week, at least on paper.  The Raiders had a bye week to prepare, which doesn't really mean a whole lot because Mike Leach is just going to do what he wanted to do anyway.
Who will win:  Tech gets completely destroyed, 158 – 0.  Doege gets hurt, Batch gets hurt, Potts stays healthy, the left tackle lays down on the ground at the start of every play, everybody Twitters out the entire playbook the night before, and Brandon Carter takes up crochet.  There.  Are you happy?


Another week down, and another week closer to 2010 Kickoff.  There are now 205 fans on the Facebook site and I love all of you (except that one guy, you know who you are).  This week, I have posted a letter I wrote to Best Buy about how they could improve my shopping experience.

If you want to email me, you can do so at psychoag98@yahoo.com or you can discuss on the Raiderpower forums (registration required to post, but not to read).

Non-random shout outs to REMOG, who recommended the name of a chiropractor, Larry Staley from Staley Sports Marketing who pitched me the idea of the radio show, and Michael Scott because that's what she said.


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