Happy Football Eve, everyone! I figure if Hallmark and Congress can make up holidays, then so can I. Coming up next are "Golfsmas", "New Beers Day", and well, I had a third one, but I had to self-censor it in order to keep this PG-13. I mean, after all, my grandmother reads this. Yes, I realize she is substantially older than 13, but I don't want to be written poorly of in the family Christmas letter. If you absolutely must know, email me at firstname.lastname@example.org and I will give it to you. For those of you that are new to The Retort, I have decided to just jump right in this week (mainly because I waited until the last minute) and will give some more info and background next week.
Okay, I'm sure you are all familiar with "opposite day". Reach back, ahh, there it is. Yes, the oh, so, confusing day as a child that seemed to appear at random, whenever it was convenient, where everything was the opposite of what someone said. Now, inevitably, a girl would tell me something like "I think you are handsome", which admittedly I didn't hear very often so it piqued my interest. Then she would slam my heart in a vise by saying "Haha, it's opposite day!" I would inform the young lass that if it were truly opposite day, then her declaration as such would in fact be false, meaning it wasn't opposite day. At this point, she would offer me a disgusting look seeming to suggest "see, that's why you are over here by yourself, Mr. Spock."
Back to sports. So, long time readers of The Retort will notice that I have to be the worst game picker in the history of sports. Worse than that cow at the fair that craps on Final Four picks. Worse than our president at picking cabinet members who have paid their taxes (that's right, I can roll political.) In fact, last year, the majority of emails I received were fans begging me to pick against them, so they could win. So, with that said, here are my "opposite day" predictions for the Big XII. (See how I tied this all in together?)
Big XII North:
1. Nebraska – This is more of a wishful thinking pick. You see, I am so glad that Nebraska left the conference for greener pastures that I wish them nothing but the utmost in success during their lame duck season in the Big XII. (*wink*, see how this works?) May they win every game and somehow force an impossible tie with the sack of buttholes, I mean, team listed at #2.
2. Colorado – See above
3. Kansas – The Jayhawks should flourish now that they are out from under the 500 pound shadow of Mark Mangino. I however, will not, because I will have far fewer self-writing jokes with Turner Gill at the helm.
4. Iowa State – The Cyclones should finish near the bottom of the pack, even though their schedule carries such lightweights in the South as Texas, Oklahoma, and Texas Tech. (Okay, even my brain got a little bit twisted writing that one…)
5. Missouri – I work with a guy from Missouri. He told me that Missouri was going to win it all this year. I said, "Show Me". He said, "see, that's why you are over here eating lunch by yourself, Mr. Writer for Two and a Half Men."
6. Kansas State – Given that someone has to "lose" this division, it defaults to Kansas State. With the myopic woodchuck's hand steadying the helm, they should firmly plant themselves in the storm cellar.
Okay, timeout. I am not digging this opposite day stuff anymore. I just needed something to make an otherwise uninteresting Big XII North preview more palatable. However, I think the butcher can take that whole last section, wrap it up in his conveniently named "butcher paper" and stamp the outside of it with "FAIL" and place it into my shopping cart. So, to further confuse things, I am actually going to do the Big XII South in a regular fashion.
See, this paragraph is a reward to those of you that read the entire Retort and don't just skim around for the phrase "Showering with his sister", which I believe has appeared in almost every one in some form or another. If you see a giant question mark floating over your coworker's head, then know that he is a skimmer, like my former former boss who is a complete sportstard.
Big XII South:
Albert Einstein said that "Three things are certain: Death, Taxes, Pudding, and Baylor finishing last in the Big XII South." He then said, "That is four things, and I didn't say this, Mark Twain did, you no fact checking hack." So, while I have no idea what Mark Twain has against Baylor, here is my look at the Big XII South.
1. Oklahoma – Yes, I know Texas is the trendy pick because they are stacked with talent, but I think that of the top 2 in the conference, Oklahoma's experience at quarterback will pan out. Landry Jones filled in nicely for an injured Sam Bradford, while Texas' Melissa Gilbert's only meaningful experience was throwing an interception for a touchdown TO A DEFENSIVE LINEMAN.
2. Texas – I asked Mack Brown how his team looked this year, and all he did was squint at me and start clapping his hands like one of those windup monkeys with the cymbals. I guess that is a good sign.
3. Texas A&M – The Aggies have the most experienced quarterback in the league in Jerrod Johnson, and if they are going to do anything then this is the year. Given that the Aggies won every non-televised game last year, and lost every televised game, Athletic Director Bill Byrne has banned all video equipment from Kyle Field. The only time the Aggie fans will get to see their team is if someone from a messageboard turns a bunch of Facebook cameraphone pics into an animated gif.
4. Texas Tech – Taylor Potts. But the good news for Raider fans is at least they will be running the ball a lot more this year.
5. Oklahoma State – Okay, I see bad things in the future for the Cowboys, but they will finish slightly ahead of Baylor.
6. Baylor – After last year's "Six Wins and a Bowl" campaign failed miserably, the athletic department this year is trotting out "Let's Start With Getting Past Sam Houston State".
Couch Potato's Guide: Look, I absolutely loathe early non-conference football. Nothing like watching ESPN trot out its thesaurus because it ran out of words for "beats hell out of' (rolls, drills, blanks, all of these are currently on the front page of ESPN's college football section.) I mean, yes, it is football, which I need to sustain life, but it isn't anything to really get excited about. You know, kind of like when your mom says "Dinner's almost ready" as she is unwrapping cartons and you see the Schwan's truck pulling out of the driveway. So, I am going to kind of zip through this last part. Besides, per informal polling, everyone's favorite part is the recaps and there is nothing really to recap anyway well, other than that whole Leach thing, but we will tackle that down the road once there are fewer games every week.
Illinois at Missouri 11:30 AM on FSN
Why to watch: It's a three day weekend. You can mow the yard on Monday. Who will win: Missouri, because I don't have the energy to look up how good Illinois is and "Illini" will get you almost no points playing "Words With Friends". 35 Triple Word Scores to 14.
UCLA at Kansas State 2:30 PM on ABC
Why to watch: Two teams that used to be powerhouses that are now kind of "meh", but still better than the Home Shopping Network. Who will win: Kansas State, 28 giant incisors to 17.
Texas at Rice 2:30 PM on ESPN
Why to watch: You like seeing the smart kids who will get jobs after college get put in their place while they still can. Who will win: Texas, 45 Platypus Studies Majors to 3
North Dakota State at Kansas 6:00 PM on FCS
Why not to watch: I'm pretty sure this game pegs the "meh-o-meter". It may even permanently break it.
Who will win: All of us that watch COPS reruns instead.
Colorado over Colorado State – 24 "Benedict Arnolds" to 17
Nebraska over W Kentucky – 31 "Ethel Rosenbergs" to 0
Washington State over Oklahoma State – 14" Mehs" to 6 "Whocareses"
Oklahoma over Utah State – 52 "Wives" to 17
Baylor over Sam Houston – 6 "victories to make a bowl game" to 0 "chances we will"
Texas A&M over SFA – 41 "Double-A Batteries" to 9 "Volts"
Kansas over N. Dakota St - 24 "No, Mount Rushmore is in the other ones" to 21
Texas Tech over SMU – 28 "See, these are real horses" to 14 "My Little Ponies"
Okay, time to get this thing to print, but I wanted to throw in a few last things. Message Bored: Please post comments and discussions with other fans on the RaiderPower message board here: http://mbd.scout.com/mb.aspx?s=188&f=1650&t=6299210
Facebook: I have a Facebook page setup, just search for "Psychoag" and look for the picture of me from the Leave Coach Fran Alone video. A new thing I am trying this year is I will start a "thread" on Facebook for each televised game for you to put your own witty comments and jokes. The best ones will be used in the next week's Retort with full credit given.
Twitter: I have a Twitter account now so you can "Follow" my "Tweets". Just follow "Psychoag". I will post random comments from time to time, but promise not to overuse it with non football stuff.
Email: As always, I love receiving your emails, in fact that is what I consider my "salary" for writing this. I try to respond to everyone (much more quickly now that I have a Droid X) and love your comments and suggestions. Email email@example.com Don't forget the 98. Believe it or not, when I registered the email about 15 years ago, psychoag was already taken.
Random Shout Outs: Plan on using these a lot more this year, just a place to give credit where credit is due. Or undue most of the time.