And who are they? They're just the Iowa State Cyclones. They only won one game this year, and that was against a Big Ten school, which is like playing a junior high team. Iowa State is terrible, and we barely beat them. I AM SO ANGRY RIGHT NOW! I AM NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE!
O.K. I've settled down. I breathed into a paper bag to keep from hyperventilating. I'm sorry, it's just that I love my school so much and can't stand to see it being destroyed this way.
Let's calmly look at the facts. My beloved, mighty, fighting Texas Longhorns are super-talented – we all know that. We get all the best recruits – or at least we did before stupid-head Mack Brown came along. The Horns have almost exactly as much talent as the New England Patriots – even without Limas Sweed – but WE DON'T PLAY LIKE IT! You can't argue with me, because you know I'm right.
I mean, how much would the New England Patriots beat Iowa State? My calculations show it would be at least 181 – 0. To be fair, you have to make a few adjustments. You have to figure Limas would have caught about two touchdowns if he had been healthy. That would make the score 167 – 0. Then you take off one touchdown because we're playing on the road, so if we had a real football coach instead of booger-head Mack Brown, we would have won 160 – 0. But did we? Heck no! We only won 56 – 3. That means WE UNDERSCORED BY 104 POINTS!
Is that the kind of program you want? Are you willing to settle for that level of poor play? Are you willing to accept mediocrity? Don't you love your school? Don't you have any dignity or pride? Why are you willing to accept this? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Let's look at all the ways knuckle-head Mack Brown has screwed up.
Number One: injuries. It is a documented fact that teams with good coaches don't have injured players. I'll prove it. First, I coached my wife's nephew's pee wee football team (actually I was the assistant coach, but you get the idea) and we had no injuries this year. Yes, you read that right. An entire pee wee football season and NO INJURIES! That's what happens when, unlike Mack Brown, you coach good "technique." Second, off the top of your head, can you name any of the injured players on the Cal Golden Bears football team? No? Me neither. Because, unlike Texas, they have a good coach, and GOOD COACHES DON'T HAVE INJURED PLAYERS! But at Texas, Limas Sweed, Brian Orakpo and Aaron Lewis are all injured. That proves Mack Brown is terrible and needs to be fired immediately.
Second way booger-head Mack Brown screwed up: recruiting. Any idiot can recruit at the University of Texas. I mean, it's the greatest school in this or any other universe, right? ALL five star players want to come play for Texas. According to my calculations, 79% of all five star recruits (not just in the State of Texas, but for the whole country) would rather SIT ON THE BENCH at U.T. than WIN A HEISMAN TROHPY for some less important school. See, if these five star recruits are at Texas, they get written about by really smart, important people like me, and that's a benefit no high school kid could possibly pass up.
Unless they're really, really, really stupid, like with a brain injury or something. Then they could go to Oklahoma or U.S.C., I guess.
I mean, there are tons of five star recruits WHO ARE NOT GOING TO TEXAS. What's up with that? What is Mack Brown doing when he tries to recruit these players? Putting his stinky feet on their mother's coffee table? Passing gas in their living rooms? You'd have to be a moron not to land at least 79% of all five star recruits from the entire United States at Texas. Therefore, stupid booger-head Mack Brown is not a great recruiter and needs to be fired again.
Third way Mack Brown screwed up: Anybody could do better than him. According to my calculations, there are 1,137 people who could coach the Texas Longhorns better than Mack Brown. That list includes all the other Division One coaches, most Division Two (or whatever they're calling Division Two these days) coaches, several high school coaches, and the guy I coach my wife's nephew's pee wee team with.
Am I on the list? Let's just say my – sorry, OUR – pee wee team won nearly sixty percent of their games this year, and our kids were little and slow and my starting center got nosebleeds at the drop of a hat. Plus, I don't like to brag, but I have won FOUR straight national championships on Playstation NCAA Football 2008 – on the "All-American" setting because the "Heisman" setting is too hard and all I do is throw interceptions and that's not really fair. I mean, Texas is not undefeated, so booger stupid-head Mack Brown couldn't really be a better coach than me, could he? Fire that easily-replaced coach for firing number three.
Fourth way Mack Brown screwed up: He's a loser. I mean Oklahoma's Coach Bob Stoops has won more national championships than Brown – well, bad example – Stoops has won more games than Brown – no, another bad example – I mean, Stoops has lost more national championship games than Brown and that's a fact, Jack. Mack Brown didn't even win ten games a year until 2000, and when he finally did, it was pure luck. Then he won eleven games in 2001, and that was luck, too – it's so obvious. And in 2002, Brown lucked out when he won eleven games. And then 2003, he didn't even win eleven games, he only won ten, which was so lame. And then for the 2004 season, Michigan sort-of blocked that field goal at the end of the Rose Bowl, and Mack Brown was lucky the ball even went past the line of scrimmage and over the goal post – that was so bogus. Then in our national championship season, we only won 13 games, and if we had a REAL football coach, we could have won, like, I don't know, 17 or 18 games, but we didn't because of stupid Mack Brown. And then 2006, we only won 10 games, which is terrible. Do you see what I'm saying? Mack Brown is a knuckle-head loser and needs to be fired a fourth time.
I mean, what do we really want in a head football coach at Texas? He should be able to beat weak teams by 160 points (not every time, but on average), never have any players injured, recruit well enough to sign three-fourths of all five star recruits nation-wide, have all his players graduate, not have any players arrested except for, like, traffic tickets and stuff, win 15 or 16 games a season, have his defenses hold the other side to negative yards (except for Oklahoma, because they're really good), win the national championship at least every other year, have a good singing voice, and minty fresh breath. Remember, WE'RE TEXAS! WE'RE NOT ASKING THAT MUCH!
And if stupid-head Mack Brown isn't up to the job (as he proved in Ames on Saturday), then there are at least 1,137 other guys who are. We can still save this season. DeLoss, I e-mailed you my cell phone number 63 times – use it!
Hook ‘em, I guess.
Jeff Conner's political and pop culture-infused Longhorn commentary appears regularly in the Inside Texas magazine and at InsideTexas.com.