CBOG: When the Piggies Come Waddling to Town

In his political and pop-culture infused off-beat commentary known as "Conner's Burnt Orange Glasses", columnist Jeff Conner, in the art of verse, tales a tale of when the Piggies came waddling to town.

High up in the Ozarks, away from the world
Is a wondrous, mystical place
Where houses have wheels, and moonshine has stills
And there's only one real disgrace
I'll tell you a tale; I'll share what I know
Of a people who make a weird sound
It's part of the strange things you'll see and you'll hear
When the Piggies come waddling to town.

Their state is the home of a business so large
It dwarfs other stores that compare
Paying wages so small, it's like nothing at all
Family shops to compete will not dare
With too-low-a-pricing and slave labor goods
It decimates cities' downtowns
It eats and destroys, remarkably like
When the Piggies come waddling to town.

Oh, the things that you'll see and the smells that you'll smell
I'm sure your mind isn't prepared
For the horrors and shocks; double-check all your locks
And try very hard not to stare
Teen girls missing teeth and men wearing mullets
Society's not come unwound
It's just the freak show you get every time
The Piggies come waddling to town

About only one thing Jews and Arabs agree
In their hate they share one thing as men
That a pig is so vile, it makes Satan smile
And to eat of it's flesh is a sin
Pigs live in their filth, in their own tepid waste
If that doesn't offend, you're unwound
Disgusting-er creatures have never been seen
When those Piggies come waddling to town

I mentioned these strange folk have just one disgrace
Just one form of shame, if you will
There's a school that they hate, and the angst they create
Is the bitterest-swallowing pill
In a place they call Texas, in Hill Country air
Where the Burnt Orange color abounds
Longhorns run wild and enjoy life's rich feast
‘Till the Piggies come waddling to town

Some things are forgotten, remembered no more
Some things should be left and not mentioned
The Confederate South still gets down in the mouth
‘Bout the War of Northern Aggression
Democrats whine of an election once stolen
Pregnant chad rants bring me down
Get over it, brother, it's final and done
‘Till the Piggies come waddling to town

There once was a conference, the Southwestern kind
The Horns whipped the Pigs frequently
But they can't let it go, these things long ago
An obsessed mind will never be free
To lose to the Texans is such a disgrace
Worse than Brittany dying hair brown
Worse than visiting Grandma in prison on Christmas
So the Piggies come waddling to town

Then they hired a new coach, a traveling man
Never in one place too long
He swears he'll bring things, like championship rings
But he'll leave for a buck and a song
‘Cos there's always more promises that can be made
Desperate fans know that sound
He sold them a pig in a poke, as it were
Pokey Piggies come waddling to town

So they lined up and played, the Horns and the Hogs
The Texas offense really clicked
But the defense was badder; the red team was sadder
Turns out their QB wasn't Dick
There were sacks and hard hits and ferocious assaults
Our DC has earned his renown
‘Cos we blistered their pink porcine bottoms that day
When the Piggies came waddling to town

So what is the moral, and what have we learned
From a trip down our memory hall?
We have nothing to gain; the Hogs always stain
We won't miss these mud-floppers at all
The "soo-pig," the cursing, the dim-witted looks
There's a reason some people hate clowns
I would lose nary a moment of sleep
If the Pigs nevermore came to town

Hook ‘em.

Jeff Conner's political and pop culture-infused Longhorn commentary appears regularly in the Inside Texas magazine and at InsideTexas.com.

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