C-BOG: CLAAM

In his political and pop-culture infused off-beat commentary known as "Conner's Burnt Orange Glasses", columnist Jeff Conner professes his joy for achieving the status of acronym, while giving Texas fans a few helpful acronyms of their own to use the rest of the football season.

Hey, did you notice I am now officially an acronym? Ross Lucksinger changed the name of this rant from "Conner's Burnt Orange Glasses" to simply "CBOG." That's right, homeboys, you're down with the C-BOG. That's "C" as in "C.C. Rider, Oh see what you have done" and "BOG" as in … uhm … poorly drained, acrid, wet, spongy ground.

Well, you get the idea. I am now hip. I am now au courant. I am now a "tla," as the kids say, or a "three letter acronym." Well, actually, C-BOG has four letters, which would make me an "etla" or "extended three letter acronym" or a "fla" ("four letter acronym") for short.

You see, the kids have a thing called texting. With their ability to communicate verbally at an all-time low, youngsters have begun typing each other messages over their cell phones. Problem is, as my legal office time management course once told me, people can speak six times faster than they can type, making texting an extremely inefficient way to tell your friend that Dylan Johnson is "ibc" ("inadequate but cute") but might give me an "e2eg" ("ear to ear grin") if we met "f2f" ("face to face").

Always wanting to be of assistance to your squinty eyes, exhausted thumbs and confused mind, your old pal Lubbock Horn is pleased to offer you a cornucopia of text abbreviations. These were particularly of use Saturday night against Colorado, but may also be valuable to those trying to communicate with the their petulant teenage daughters, impress their pizza-faced, voice-changing teen sons, or, for those of you who love celebrities and are dying to meet Chris Hansen, they could earn you a premium spot on a little TV show called "To Catch a Predator." ;-)

Knowledge is power, people, so use these shortcuts responsibly.

"thuds" – "tree-hugging, ugly, dreadlocked stoner." These glassy-eyed Buffalo fans were shown frequently in the Fox Sports cutaways. I realize Austin has something of a reputation as a pot smokers' haven, but the dazed hippies left over from the 70's still listening to the Grateful Dead on cassette while playing hacky-sack in Zilker Park wearing tie-dye shirts have nothing on these Colorado kids' Rocky Mountain highs. These Boulder dopers can speak intelligently about hydroponics, potency and THC levels, but unfortunately cannot put one cogent sentence together when confronted by a television camera at a football game. Plus, the acronym is onomatopoeia, a word that is spelled like the sound it makes in real life (like "buzz," "click," or "cuckoo"), because the sound these tokers make when they pass out in the thin air and hit then ground is remarkably like a thud.

"darbez-nr" – "dumb-ass running the ball out of the end zone, not really." Sounds like the name of a character out of the Old Testament ("And Tiglath-Pileazer begat Darbez…"), but it's really based on Buffalo MENSA nominee Josh Smith. On the kickoff return after the Horns' first score Saturday night, Smith caught the ball eight yards deep in the end zone and casually sauntered out past the goal line without going to the trouble of first downing the ball. Smith was promptly and ferociously tackled in the end zone, causing what in the real world is known as a "safety" and two points and possession of the ball for the Horns. But in a magical place like Boulder, Smith's forehead-slapping, embarrassingly stupid move was forgiven quicker than Dick Cheney shooting a human in the face. And you thought the Big XII had a rule against accepting partial qualifiers.

Silly you.

"clitts" – "classless, loser idiots throwing t-shirts." Those of us who have been to Colorado games over the years have grown accustomed to Buffalo fans' boorish ways. The drunkenness, prodigious use of the f-word, battery throwing and general hooliganness are etched indelibly in all our minds. Although there are exceptions, the behavior of the Colorado student section generally makes Texas Tech fans look like the Junior League having high tea and crumpets with the Queen.

After taking office, Colorado Athletic Director Mike Bohn promised to improve the situation. Bohn, of course, is much loved by the "thuds" mentioned above because, and I quote, "Heh. Heh. He said ‘bone,' Dude!"

Last night, we saw the fruits of the AD's labors as dozens of yellow shirts littered the football field, rained down from the "clitts" in the Colorado student section in a display that makes us all proud – to have gone to school somewhere else. Problem was, not only did the shirts interfere with the football game by creating a foreign object on the playing surface, they were also remarkably close in color to the official's yellow penalty flags, causing confusion with the not-overly-bright-to-begin-with Fox broadcasters who perchance had been partying with the "thuds" before the game.

"bachoe" – "bad-ass Colt hating on everybody." For those of us who grew up working in the oil patch, a backhoe is an indispensable piece of equipment. With a bulldozer on the front for moving heavy loads and a scoop bucket on the back for digging in precise, exacting situations (often around or near exposed electrical or flow lines), the backhoe is a nearly-indestructible, labor-saving machine. With an experienced operator, the bucket can dig in an incredibly specific area, accurate to a matter of inches, enabling a crew to get their job done with ruthless efficiency.

What an appropriate metaphor for the quarterback of my beloved, mighty, fighting Texas Longhorns. Colt McCoy, acting as our "bachoe," can use his bulldozer running game to go under, around, beside or even over defenders. His passing is accurate to a matter of inches and can work around problem areas like defenders or the sidelines, allowing his "crew" to display ruthless efficiency. Plus, you evidently can't tear him up with a crowbar.

Well, I hope this has been helpful to you. Remember some of these texting shortcuts next week, as we prove the pundits wrong and give the Oklahoma Sooners "snatch" – short for "Sooner noogies – all they can handle."

All of which would make this rant a "claam" – "column laden with amateurish acronyms of mediocrity."

Hook ‘em.

Jeff Conner's political and pop culture-infused Longhorn commentary appears regularly in the Inside Texas magazine and at InsideTexas.com.


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