101 Uses for a dead Cougar

What exactly DO you do with a dead cougar?

101. Skinned, they make darling tea cozies.


100. Better than Chamois for drying off your Lexus.

 

99. A tasty midnight snack: just make yourself a warm mug of ovaltine, cut yourself a slice of Cache Valley Cheese (Swiss is best), place between two slices of Dead Cougar, and relish the crunchy, nutty goodness.

 

98. Beer battered cougar

97. Stuffed cougar armoire

96. Cougar skin run

95. Cougar tooth to hang around Big Blue's neck.

 

94. It makes a silky-soft undergarment

93. Propped up in the garden it keeps birds and neighbor kids away

92. Stuff it with candy...add bat...instant Piñata!

91. Stuff it and mount it outside the Bishop's office and use it for a tithing drop

90. Place large pane of glass on top, add chips, drinks and feet...viola! Instant end table!

 

89. Prop up in open field, get your .22...target practice!

88. Drape over Cosmo in open field, get your .22...moving target practice!!!

 

87. His skin would make for a very luxurious and deluxe TP.

 

86. Great rug/mat for Aggie FB players to wipe their feet on after practice.

85. Anniversary Inn -- need I say more????

 

85. It would provide the first half of a winter coat for BYU's sweet spirited homecoming queen.

 

84. A great rug in Saddam's Shag-a-Delic Sex Palace.

 

83. Something for the kids in the taxidermy program at Bridgerland Vo-Tech to practice on

82. Jerky (made from real jerk!)

81. Furry slippers for Lavell

80. A Russian hat to keep Crowton's dome warm on a cold Laramie night

79. Maybe they could harvest the gonads and transplant them into Rafael Araujo

78. Wait, this is a Cougar...there wouldn't be any gonads...

77. Take a DNA sample to try to map the self-righteousness genome

76. Alpo

75. Use it as a missionary tool (I don't know how, but then I don't know how BYU athletics is supposed to be one, either...)

 

74. Extract dead cougar brain and transplant it in to this zoobie fans' head! (read link)
things a zoobie says for 200, Alex

 

73. Mystery meat at the Cougar Eat.

72. Fur collars and cuffs for your date's Dorm Formal.

71. New Curtains at Helaman Hall.

70. Slip covers on the couches at Amanda Knight Hall.

 

69. Oh boy.... use cougar for sex toy

 

68. Toupees for General authorities and ex football coaches.

67. Chest hair for Donny Osmond when performing shirtless

66. Chew toy for BYU dogs… I mean co-eds

 

65. Condoms for recently married to curb the growth of the zoobie population.

 

64. Fashion a crude bag from the skin and use for placing over the heads of BYU coeds.

 

63. Some nice furry socks so that no student ever need be reprimanded or expelled for not wearing any.

62. Essential to prove the theory of: "I could throw a dead cat and hit a whining/fair-weather/ignorant/obnoxious zoobie fan."

61. As an improvement to the existing Cosmo. (…any year)

60. Used as bait to "sting" happy valley deer poachers. (But officer, it *looked* like a deer in my spotlight from the back of my moving station-wagon...)

 

59. As a doormat for the Chapel of Love in Las Vegas

 

58. Use "cat gut" to re-string the racquets of USU Tennis Team.

57. Study the genetic make-up to cure all zoobies.

 

56. Duct tape dead (or any) cougar to the head of a falling "Bunker Buster" bomb...just for the hell of it!

55. Make into string puppet and crudely imitate Roger Reid's penguin step...on a small stage...in front of elementary children.

54. put on the end of a long string + strong winds = cougar kite.

 

53. Stick head of dead (or soon dead) cougar in liquid nitrogen and smash it with a hammer for the shock value to intimidate convicted juvenile delinquents into virtuous behavior.

52. Use as a receptacle for waste mercury (this one can double as an anchor when not in active use).

51. Hood ornament once the shuttle fleet gets off the ground again.

50. A model for medical students to practice rectal exams on (actually there would be better sphincter tone if the cougar were NOT dead...OR use said sphincter to produce artificial diamonds)

49. Dead cougar = next TV spokesperson craze for a low budget car insurance company. (Used much in the way of Toonces the Driving Cat, except these would only be "after" photos of wreckage intermingled with cougar innards and the web address of the company. Watch out AFLAC duck!)

48. Next ground war in Middle East vs. possible chemical weapon attack: cram cougar into birdcage and duct tape onto top of tank. If the cougar gets rigor mortis, better keep your gas mask on.

47. Cut cougar into convenient soft strips and place in front of keyboard to prevent Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.

46. Fill Rice Stadium seats with cougar corpses to increase the announced attendance numbers at Utah football games. (Did someone already think of this...it sounds familiar?)

45. Young Frankenstein II. "Did you get the brain?" "Um, well...I got...A brain..."

44. Dead cougar cheaper than foam peanuts for wrapping expensive stereo equipment before mailing.

43. Prop up dead cougar in passenger seat so you can drive in the "diamond" lane during rush hour.

42. Dead cougar spleen is a delicacy in Uganda, so I hear.

41. Dead cougar makes a credible Iraqi Minister of Information.

 

40. Lay that cougar hide over the altar for those soon-to-be annulled Vegas weekend zoobie weddings.

39. Cut fur into neat squares to use as hankies for uncontrollably sobbing zoobie fans the next time Texas A&M, UCLA or Hawaii hang 70 on them. (Only Hawaii got to 70, but the hankies were desperately needed for many, many games.)

38. Cougar knucklebones are great for reading the fortunes of BYU grads. "In 5 years you will be fat, balding and your family will have already outgrown your current minivan." (A very common reading, so I hear.)

 

37. That already hollow Cougar skull makes a great container for church treats for the kids.

36. If you have your scriptures bound in Cougar hide, do they instantly lose credibility? ...I better check that one out.

35. BYU diplomas could all be printed on Cougar skin. After all, they need *something* to make a degree from there look good.

 

34. Cougar scrotum outpacing kangaroo scrotum as change purse. But wait! Stroke it three times and it turns into a handbag.

33. Cougar tail excellent replacement for towel in locker room whipping incidents.

32. Use hide as seat cover for those long desert trips. Especially helpful to keep GBH comfy on long trips around Utah visiting the faithful!

31. Replace foam rubber beer can holders that keep your hands from getting cold with similar implement made from Cosmo (good only for Utah 3.2 beer, however)

30. Dried cougar nuts make excellent non-destructive attention getters when thrown at your girlfriend's window at the Chi Omega sorority house.

 

29. Comb cougar fur in such a way as to make picture resembling 'velvet' Joseph Smith.

28. Males at BYU could use the head as a mask to try and improve chances of getting ladies.

27. You have heard of the brown bag date and a double brown bag date, introducing the cougar head date!

 

26. Footballs played with in LaVell Edwards Cougar Stadium could be made from cougar hide, therefore, since they are nearly celestialized already, give them more "lift" when thrown or kicked, and the fur would be gentle on the Zoobies hands.

25. The hides and fur could be used to make goofy looking beanies with a "Y" on them that the dignitaries selected to "Light The Y" could wear, in honor of Cosmo.

24. Cougar urine could be sprayed on both goal posts to "mark" BYU's scoring territory, thus frightening away Rams, Falcons, Lobo's, or any other type of animal that might want to score there. Of course, rubber gloves would have to be issued to all players in the red zone.

23. The BYU President could put the hollow Cougar head on and dance around "menacingly" in front of the opposing teams bench before kickoff or tip-off.

 

22. Dead cougar can serve as official at all stench home games since there are so many "no-calls" in their favor.


21. Dead cougar can continue service as stench athletic honor code monitor.


20. Dead cougar can serve as a reminder of the Roger Reid years. We love you Roger, please come back with the grandkids.

 

19. Cover beehive boot with cougar skin

18. Cover byu-USU wagon wheel with cougar skin

17. Cougar skin belt to hold up Big Blue's non-existent pants.

 

16. Use 11 dead cougars on the USU FB scout team to simulate actual BYU defense.

 

15. Replace "Green Iguana" chant and rubber Iguana with, "Dead Cougar" while swinging bloody carcass overhead.

 

14. "Who Want's To Marry A Dead Cougar" TV show with 100 BYU coeds and said corpse. Revenue generated from advertising on the smash-hit show could be donated to the BYU athletic dept.

 

13. Used for costumes by the USU Theater Dept. for their debut of "Cats".

 

12. Record the sound of dead cougar getting run over by steamroller. Replace that for the current ridiculous cougar growl that someone once thought was cool to play on the PA system during Y home games.

11. Place dead cougars (feet up) and warning signs at key points around Utah Lake to remind residents of the dangers of coming into contact with Utah Lake water.

10. Use mechanical dead cougar for buckaroo antics at the local BYU hangouts. Free Kool-Aid with each successful ride!

9. Use decomposing cougar to feed Big Blue's earthworm farm.

8. Use said cougar-fed worms to fish for scary things in Utah Lake.

 

7. Cougar tortillas?

6. String it up between "the Hands" artwork in front of fountains at the TSC.

5. Cushion to take to FB games.

 

4. Use as a hand puppet along with a stuffed bull in the sunbeams class to teach the young'ns how to get a real education.

3. Send carcasses to the likes of Ty Detmer, Luke Staley and soon to be Reno Mahe, and other members of the "Thought we were good until we found out we sucked in the NFL" club.

2. Wrap the furry skin around a byu co-eds body to eliminate any risk of fungal contamination when touching.

 

1. Brand the numerals "1984" on his little forehead, lest we forget, lest we forget.

 

Honorable Late Entries:

 

a. Fill the eye sockets with steelies to give ol' Cosmo the Wyatt Earp look. He's never looked tougher!

b. Have your kids grab the forepaws, then swing it by the tail around your head . . . hours of fun for the little ones!


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