I almost hate to see the off-season come to a close. Coaches stiffing their teams early and late. Bar fights. Red panties. Much-desired Parks and Recreation masters degrees. There was hardly a dull moment. Now we just have to turn to the mundane world of actual games for our entertainment.

LAST WEEK (0-0)-----OVERALL (0-0)

Morituri te salutant
(cannon fodder quote)

The first week is filled with suspension games if you're in the SEC, and money games if you're one of the designated slaughterees.

San Jose State @ Alabama – "Do you know the way to San Jose?" The Spartans may be asking after having their heads handed to them. ‘Bama 47 – SJS 3.

Tennessee Tech @ Arkansas – Only the participants and their families care much about the results of this one. Pigs 42 – Golden Eagles 0.

Arkansas State @ Auburn – And another budget-balancing game. Auburn 45 – Arkansas State 10.

Miami (O) @ Florida – Miami (O)…is that like "Jackie Oh!"? They'll seem to play like her in this game. Gators 65 – Miami (o) – 3.

Louisiana-Lafayette @ Georgia – The Ragin' Cajuns have played SEC whipping person for years. They have a great nickname…but what ever happened to political correctness? UGA 35 – OSU 10.

Kentucky @ Louisville – Kentucky is a slight favorite in this game, but how can you take a team seriously when the coach is named Joker? Is Batman coming next?
Louisville 24 – Kentucky 23.

LSU @ North Carolina – LSU didn't get the memo about easy first games (though when it was scheduled, it probably seemed like a walkover. LSU 21 – UNC 20.

Jacksonville State @ Mississippi – After all the turmoil in Oxford, Jacksonville State may give the Parks and Recreation department a good test, before ultimately falling. Mississippi 24 – Jacksonville State 14.

Memphis @ Mississippi State – Another lamb to the slaughter. The Tigers should really stay away from the SEC. The big story for this game is enforcement (or lack of it) of the cowbell ban. MSU (Bulldogs) 31 – MSU (Tigers) 14.

Southern Mississippi @ South Carolina (Sept 2) – Pretty boring way to kick off the season, but hey, it's money in the bank for the Golden Eagles of USM. Gamecocks 28 – Southern Mississippi 7

Tennessee-Martin @ Tennessee – This game could rival the fabled Cumberland College – Georgia Tech game. I can't see this turning out any way but badly for the UTM Skyhawks. Tennessee 72 – UTM 10.

Northwestern @ Vanderbilt – New coach, same coaching staff. We will now find out if it was Johnson who was holding the staff back with hyper-conservative strategy, or if the mind-set permeated and poisoned the entire staff. Please Robbie, no more punts from the opponents 35. My guess? Robbie or Bobby, it makes no difference, it's still Vandy. Northwestern 24 – VU 10. Top Stories