CF.C Pac-12 Power Rankings: Week One

ONE OF THE BIG surprises from the Pac-12 in Week One was on the offensive and defensive lines. Cal’s DL was better than expected. But both the UW o-line and d-line were about as intimidating as the Snuggles Laundry Bear. WSU’s d-line was a major disappointment. But UCLA's o-line perhaps topped ‘em all, with Bruin fans asking: So what’s the point of us having all these UCLA special admits anyway?

1. Oregon:
Surrendered 13 first-half points to South Dakota. Former Duck defensive coordinator Nick Aliotti thought it was b______t.

2. Southern Cal:
Steve Sarkisian somehow not struck by lightning in post-win interview after proclaiming all coaches/players in Southern Cal program must be honest and act with integrity. In a separate, troubling development, Sarkisian enthusiastically accepted Donald Sterling’s invitation to play a round of golf at Shoal Creek Country Club.

3. Arizona:
From this chair, the biggest sleeper in the Pac-12 not getting its proper due. Arizona had nearly 700 yards of offense by the time the third quarter ended in their opener. Rich Rodriguez feeling so confident about 2014 he insisted upon another booster sing-a-long to Josh Groban’s ‘You Raise Me Up,’ the final straw in getting him fired at Michigan.

4. Stanford:
After shutting out UC Davis 45-0, Cardinal coach David Shaw announced his intentions to reclassify Pluto as a planet under the following two conditions: that it be renamed “Shaw” and that it is understood by everyone that the sun now revolves around it.

5. Arizona State:
When does a 45-14 win feel only so-so? When Weber State moves the ball better than expected against a Pac-12 defense (just couldn’t finish off drives.) The contest was close enough that up in the ASU booth, a peeved Dennis Erickson had to wait until the fourth quarter before ordering his first cocktail of the game.

6. UCLA:
Yes, you're damned right the Bruins are all the way down here. Jim Mora went shopping at Toys ‘R’ Us for this 2014 Bruin offensive line. All the fawning offseason talk about UCLA being a favorite to land in the new NCAA four-team playoff now making local media and ESPN look like PR shills for the school.

7. Oregon State:
College Football’s King of The Slow Starts, the Beavs did all they could in the first half to underwhelm against Portland State. With actual attendance less than the 40,309 tickets sold for season opener in Reser Stadium (capacity 45,674), OSU Athletic Director Bob De Carolis now planning a "Seattle Game" for next year.

8. Washington State:
Before the market closed Friday, I sold six percent of my holdings in the Cougar Offense in order to increase shares in the Cougar Defense. After the game Saturday night, my broker filed papers trying to gain power of attorney over me.

9. Washington:
TMZ reporting asleep-at-the-switch replay official in UW-Hawaii game was Husky lawyer Mike Hunsinger in a Gordon Riese mask. After shockingly wan effort by Dawgs, a stunning near-upset and being outplayed, outcoached and outmuscled by shadow-of-its-former-self Hawaii, new UW coach Chris “Pete” Petersen in a nod to Jim Lambright suspended the entire Husky scout team for the poor looks they gave starters during practice week.

10. California:
A 10-point underdog against Northwestern, Bears probably deserve to be bumped up a few notches higher following their win. But the second-half, near surrender of a 24-point lead casts enough doubt they still need to offer more proof they’ve turned a corner under Sonny Dykes. Still, impressive win on the road.

11. Utah:
Secondary play in blowout win keeps blue-eyeliner-wearing, lime-jello-eating, Caffeine-Free-Diet-Coke-binge-drinking Ute fans from getting too delusional about being the “favorite” to win the Pac-12 South. Scratch that. After listening to sports radio in Utah for 5 minutes on Sunday morning via the internet, I beg your pardon: less delusional.

12. Colorado:
Buffs had CSU scared but fell apart in second half. CSU defensive line coach Greg Lupfer insisted after game he did not hurl a homophobic slur at Colorado QB Sefo Liufau but rather was simply yelling at Liufau, 'You are a bucking fabbit, a term of respect from where I come from that means ‘graceful rabbit.’”

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