CF.C Pac-12 Power Rankings: Week Three

A RATHER LARGE DILEMMA has emerged from Week Three's Pac-12 slate – the top slot is crystal clear but just who the hell deserves to be No. 2 in the Power Rankings?

Last week’s rankings in parentheses

1. Oregon (1)
After sleepwalking through the first quarter and trailing 7-0, the Ducks scored 41 unanswered points on the way to a 48-14 win over Wyoming. The surge began after head coach Mark Helfrich during the TV timeout threatened to take away Duck players’ smart phones, tablets, flat screens, cars, houses and weed unless they increased their effort toot sweet.

2. Stanford (4)
I know, I know. Stanford lost to USC a week ago. But seven times out of 10, Stanford wins that game and the Cardinal was driving for winning TD before self-destructing. This week, Stanford punted on four of its first six possessions but the Cardinal eventually rolled Army 35-0. The only thing that marred the win came when coach David Shaw insisted Army players during the postgame handshake address him as “Sir, yes Sir!”

3. Arizona State (3)
Without injured QB Taylor Kelly, ASU against Colorado looked like peanut butter without jelly, Martin without Lewis, bees without honey, Sarkisian without Haden. ASU had built a 21-point lead under Kelly and ended up hanging on. Their best defender, Viliami Moeakiola, also was injured. “I ain’t seen nothing like that since Cecil Barlow’s cow got caught in the brush,” declared ASU coach Todd Graham afterwards, resulting in postgame viewer IQ’s dropping 10 points.

4. Southern Cal (2)
No wonder ‘SC averaged 0.7 yards per carry while giving up 452 rushing yards in loss to Boston College: Steve Sarkisian was paralyzed trying to make in-game decisions when texts to Pat Haden went unreturned. All except the postgame text where Sark asked Haden if they could still please go out for ice cream. Sources say Sarkisian and Haden shared a double scoop of Ben & Jerry’s Schweddy Balls.

5. Arizona (5)
The Wildcats looked decidedly average in the 35-28 win over Nevada. The best thing to come out of that game for Pac-12 viewers: They don’t have to see Nevada coach Brian Polian losing his dignity on the sidelines next weekend. Watching Polian gesticulate wildly and scream at officials reminded me of how much I don’t miss former UA coach Mike Stoops’ embarrassing sideline tirades.

6. UCLA (7)
Texas is not a good football team. But that didn’t stop Jim Mora, after UCLA held on to win 20-17 with their backup QB, from dancing around like a spunky schoolgirl hopped up on Ritalin. Famed Dallas dancer/choreographer Margot Toledo characterized Mora’s moves as a cross between a rumba and a grand mal seizure.

7. Cal (6)
The Bears were off this week but we should finally have a better handle this coming week if Cal is much-improved or has just beaten up on sub-par competition when they travel to Arizona on Saturday.

8. Washington (10)
It’s hard to argue with 3-0 … until you look at the competition level, with Illinois the second patsy to come to lose in UW’s house. The next guaranteed win comes in the form of Georgia State -- UW insisted on at least one non-conference football opponent in existence four years or less, (GSU’s first ever football game was in 2010. ) The Huskies’ first ever football game in the Chris “Pete” Petersen era takes place Week 5 against Stanford.

9. Oregon State (8)
The Beavs had a bye this week but still found a way to only play one half of football. “Magnificent,” beamed the always-sunny Mike Riley.

10. Utah (9)
The Utes also had a bye this week but you have to give it to the Ute fans – sales of wine coolers and green eye shadow in Salt Lake City nonetheless held steady this past Saturday. Plus, pre-sales of Pac-12 South conference champion and 4-team playoff entrant memorabilia continue to soar on the strength of delusional Utah fans.

11. Washington State (12)
A Spokane newspaper reports a WSU staffer texted Bill Moos after PSU scored twice in the third quarter, asking him to come down from the booth to the sideline -- but Moos texted back he couldn’t because he was in Spokane.

12. Colorado (11)
The Buffalos are improved over last year -- but instead of that resulting in wins, the improvement is going to be seen in closer losses. The Buffs had a real chance to tie it up and maybe even steal one against ASU but youthful mistakes at big moments doomed Colorado. Head coach Mark McIntyre blamed the loss on the Denver mayor. Oh wait, that’s right, it was Colorado State’s coach acting like a complete asshat over the mayor's honest mistake.

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