CF.C Pac-12 Power Rankings: Week Twelve

YES, THE POWER RANKINGS took some time off. I had to see a man about a horse. And an iguana. There were locusts. A terrible flood. It wasn’t my fault. (Blues Brothers still holds up after all these years.) Lovers of Pac-12 chaos this week will want to see UCLA lose to Stanford, ASU to go down against UA and the Ducks to bite it at OSU. And there's also a little something called the Apple Cup ...

pre-sabbatical rankings in parentheses

1. Oregon (1)
As Colorado found out in Oregon's 44-10 win, Marcus Mariota is one of the best running QBs college football has ever seen. But Duck coach Mark Helfrich is pretty fast too. Helfrich, all hopped up on Sunny Doodles and Quisp, was seen running alongside Mariota's car at 80 mph before the QB was pulled over by state police. Police log entry: "On-foot subject said he was racing to Mayberry toot sweet because Aunt Bee just finished baking a pie. Psych evaluation requested."

2. UCLA (6)
Jim Mora texted Pat Haden after the 38-20 win over Southern Cal. “If that USC job opens, you’ll find me at the freaking head of the line with my résumé in my hand, don’t care if we’re in the middle of a playoff run. Also, nothing but love to the USC players who quit in the second half.” Meanwhile, media burning Mora in effigy earlier this season reversed course to dollop out fawning praise: “Why, Jim Mora has done more for this great nation than Douglas MacArthur, Abraham Lincoln and Norman Vincent Peal combined,” gushed ESPN’s Ted Miller.

3. Arizona (2)
No Anu Solomon at quarterback in the second half? No problem. Nick Wilson rushed for 218 yards and three touchdowns in UA’s 42-10 win over Utah. Rich Rodriguez’ new contract (for reasons unknown) states he'd owe UA $2 million if he returns to West Virginia before Jan. 15, 2015. While many WV fans are ready for Dana Holgorsen to skedaddle, RichRod has a better chance of managing a Morgantown Olive Garden than returning to the post he left 6 1-2 years ago.

4. Arizona State (3)
After cameras caught Todd Graham cursing out his players, he announced a two-pronged approach to deal with the fallout: 1) an agreement with the Pac-12 Network to never cut to him on the sidelines and, 2) a new player incentive program where each ASU player he calls a *********** during the game will receive a limited edition Tickle Me Todd doll.

5. Utah (5)
Utah stocked their sidelines with chicken broth and hot chocolate during the Arizona loss. Kyle Whittingham and staff explained pre-game the electrolytes and sugar are hugely beneficial. "While Utah had the right idea, they really needed to instead go with straight chocolate milk," scolded Tyrone Willingham. "It is also my understanding that a dog is a vicious animal. But I hesitate to put a label on a label."

6. USC (4)
Pete Carroll’s Coaching Tree refused to take questions after USC’s humiliating 38-20 loss to UCLA. “Go to hell you vultures,” said the Tree. Steve Sarkisian was not made unavailable to media after the loss due to his private weekly audience with God. But he did eventually put out a statement, passively-aggressively blaming his players, assistant coaches and fellow Tree members Nick Holt, Norm Chow and Lane Kiffin.

7. Stanford (7)
Fresh off a 38-17 win over Cal that (finally) rendered Stanford bowl eligible at 6-5, Cardinal coach David Shaw hopped a charter to 1) counsel Pope Francis, 2) chair the USA-Iran nuclear talks, 3) cure world hunger and 4) pen the authoritative review on the new Hunger Games movie. "Don't act so surprised - I'm a giver, this is what I do," said Shaw.

8. Washington (8)
Of the Huskies seven wins, the only team with a winning record is an FCS squad. "And THAT, Bill Moos, is how you schedule," cackled Husky AD Scott Woodward.

9. Washington State (10)
AD Bill Moos was busy this past weekend in Tempe glad-handing Royal Purple bowl officials. "You guys really put on a fabulous event and it's not too late for you to ask the NCAA this year for an extenuating circumstances bowl waiver on us. Here, have another organic tomato gel sphere," said Moos.

10. Cal (9)
Never been a big fan of Sonny Dykes but have to give him kudos in the loss against Stanford. Dykes somehow kept his cool as the Pac-12 officials on the field and in the replay booth continue to plumb new depths of incompetence this season. "Then again, the Cougs broke the plane of the end zone against Cal and got jobbed so screw you, Sonny Dykes," said Cougar fans.

11. Oregon State (11)
Following OSU's 37-13 loss to UW, Mike Riley praised his defense that allowed 226 yards of rushing, and one of the nation's worst passing attacks to pile up 253 yards, two TDs and a 78 percent completion rate. Oregon State AD Bob De Carolis immediately added another rollover year to Riley's contract.

12. Colorado (12)
Mike MacIntyre's Buffs got drilled by Oregon and Colorado is 2-9 but MacIntyre thinks he's found the secret to a bowl game next year. MacIntyre plans to implement t a new light jogging program this offseason, citing the university's groundbreaking new study that found running is good for you.

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