USA Today Sports/Snook

Apple Cup Preparedness: A Husky joke for every occasion

BE ARMED. BE READY. Yes, Coug fans, even though their coach is in need of teeth-whitener for a very good reason, Husky partisans are still insufferable. That's why it's always nice to have a good Dawg tale in your back pocket just in case. So here you go: The user's guide to dealing with any miscreant in purple.

What's the difference between Husky Stadium and a porcupine?

One is full of pricks and the other is a small forest animal.

Do you know why Chris Petersen's teeth are off-white with a hint of brown?

Too many cream puffs.

How many Huskies does it take to change a tire?

Two. One to hold the wine spritzers and one to call dad.

How many Huskies does it take to change a tire?

One. Unless it's a blowout, in which case they all show up.

What do you call a basement full of Huskies?

A whine cellar.

Why don't Huskies like making Kool-Aid?

Because they can't fit eight cups of water in the little envelope.

How do you get a UW grad off your porch?

Pay him for the pizza.

Why are they changing the playing field at Husky Stadium to cardboard?

Because Washington always looks better on paper.

Why did the Dawgs go to the no-huddle?

Because felons can't associate with other felons.

Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a classy Husky fan and a homeless guy are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred-dollar-bill. Who gets it?

The homeless guy, of course -- the other three are mythical creatures.

Four Husky players are in a car, who’s driving?

The police.

What's the difference between a dead skunk on the highway and a UW Law School School grad?

There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

What’s a Husky cheerleader’s favorite exercise?

Jogging to the refrigerator.

Why shouldn't Huskies take coffee breaks?

They're too hard to retrain.

What do you call a group of Huskies standing in a circle?

A dope ring.

What did the Husky say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?

"Oh look! Donut seeds!”

How many UW fans does it take to make popcorn?

100. One to hold the pan, three to shake the stove, one to hide the bong as the police arrive and the rest to complain about running out of wine spritzers.

Why do Huskies have TGIF on their shirts?

This Goes In Front.

Hear about the Husky that got an AM radio?

It took him a month to realize he could play it at night.

Why don't Huskies eat bananas?

They can't find the zipper.

What happens when a Husky cheerleader gets Alzheimer's disease?

Her IQ goes up.

What do you call a Husky in an institution of higher learning?

A visitor.

What do you do when a Husky throws a hand grenade at you?

Pull the pin and throw it back.

When Huskies divorce, can they still call each other brother and sister?

A HUSKY BOUGHT TWO HORSES AND could never remember which was which. A neighbor suggested that he trim the tail of one horse. That worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush, "trimming" it exactly like the other horse's. The neighbor then suggested that the Husky notch the ear of one horse. And that worked fine until the other horse caught its ear on a barbed-wire-fence. So once again, the Husky couldn't tell them apart. The neighbor then suggested he measure the horses for height. When he did, he was very pleased to find that the brown horse was two inches taller than the white one.

A HUSKY CALLED 911 TO REPORT A FIRE. The operator transferred the call to the fire department. The fireman said, "Where is the fire?" The Husky answered, "In my house." Again the fireman asked, "No, where IS the fire?”

"Oh, it is in my kitchen!" he responded.

"I mean," said the fireman, "how do we get to your house?"

To this the Husky replied, "Well DUH! In your big red truck!"

Top 10 reasons to befriend a Husky MBA candidate:

  1. They'll give you "cuts" in the unemployment line.
  2. They'll let you know who the best public defenders are.
  3. They'll put a good swirl on your Slurpee.
  4. They can tell a real "dealer" from an undercover cop.
  5. They can get you a car -- real cheap, real fast, and no questions asked.
  6. They'll teach you how to pass a urine test.
  7. They can get your new car a paint job -- real cheap, real fast, and no questions asked.
  8. They'll be glad to supersize it if you ask.
  9. You'll meet lots of new friends singing "Bow Down" together in the prison shower.
  10. They'll hold both the pickles and the onions if you ask.

The Mortician's Tale: Very cheeky, and lots of hot air.

A Seattle-area mortician had a new apprentice who was learning the embalming ropes. He walked into the embalming room where a cadaver was lying on the table. Thinking he knew enough now to begin the procedure without his boss, he began examining the body.

He rolled it over and to his amazement, there was a cork in its rear. Mystified, he pulled it out, and immediately heard the University of Washington fight song come out the cadaver's butt.

Startled by what had happened, he shoved the cork back into the cadaver and ran up the stairs to find his mentor.

"Sir, you've got to come down and help me! I've just seen something I can't believe," he cried. Annoyed by the naivete of his assistant, he followed him downstairs. "There! Look at the cork in the ass of that body," said the assistant. "I couldn't imagine what it was doing there so I pulled it out. Please, you do it."

The mortician was a bit surprised to see the cork, too, so he walked to the table and removed the cork. Once again, the University of Washington fight song started playing.

Exasperated, he replaced the cork in its appointed position, turned to his assistant and said: "What's so surprising about that? I've heard thousands of assholes sing that song."

Street Smarts:

A WSU fan and a UW fan crash into each other coming into Colfax on the way to the Apple Cup. They're both ejected from their vehicles but they are unharmed. "Wow," says the UW fan, "This really has given me some new perspective on life... why do we have our petty fights all the time?”

"You know, I think you have a point," says the Cougar fan. "I have something in the trunk if it's survived.”

He goes to his trunk, pulls out an unopened bottle of Jack Daniel's, and says, "Here's to surviving, friendship, and everlasting peace between Cougs and Dawgs everywhere!" He hands the bottle to the Husky fan, who drains half of it and then passes it back.

"Your turn." he says

"Nah," says the Coug fan, throwing the bottle into the canal. "I'd rather just wait for the cops to arrive."

FROM THE CF.C ARCHIVES: Cougs, Dawgs and the War of Words

Related Story: 3 key matchups in Friday's Apple Cup

Cougfan Top Stories