The Joe Cougfan Report, No. 12

IN HONOR OF the craziest, most wonderful bye week in Cougar history and a certain immigrant bodybuilder/actor-turned-Republican governor who's married to a Kennedy, I have decided to hold my very own Hollywood-flavored midseason awards show. Sure, I don't have much of a budget, but I guarantee great entertainment and dazzling reviews (at least from the same guy who liked <i>Freddy Got Fingered</i>).

Following the awards show format, we have to begin with a monologue.  So how about Saturday's events?  The defending national champions choked (literally) away their 19-game winning streak, assaulting the Wisconsin quarterback and giving up 125 yards to a third-string tailback along the way.  In an interview after the game, Siegfried Fischbacher (of Siegfried and Roy) claimed that Buckeye throat specialist Robert Reynolds was merely trying to help Wisconsin's Jim Sorgi, who had fallen down.  In Florida, Miami didn't need a missed field goal to beat FSU this year; they merely took advantage of monsoon conditions in what is rapidly becoming one of the weirdest series in the country.  Rumors that—on the merits of his performance—Seminoles QB Chris Rix was issued a handicapped-parking permit by the state of Florida were unconfirmed at press time.


So let's get to the presentations.  I would like to thank the winners in advance, for their performances and providing us with so much entertainment.  Let me reiterate how much I love college football, and the insanity it provides every Saturday.


In honor of the release of Scarface on DVD, I would like to start the awards by presenting the "Say Hello to my Little Friend" Award to 5-8 cornerback Jason David.  WSU's master criminal continues to steal from his opponents and turn pilfered passes into Cougar Gold (in the form of points, not cheese).


The Gunnery Sergeant Hartman Award: Presented to Cougar offensive line coach George Yarno, for demanding perfection from his men in a high-volume and verbally creative fashion.  Hey Milhauser!  Let me see your war face!


The "Thank you sir, may I have another" Award is presented to the Texas Longhorns, who keep coming back to the Texas State Fair to receive their annual beating at the hands of Bob Stoops and the Sooners.  On a side note, is it me, or does Mack Brown look like Roscoe P. Coltrane?


The Colonel Kurtz Award is presented to Notre Dame, for handing WSU a second-half disaster in South Bend and proceeding to lose their next three games in ugly fashion.  The Horror…


The "Luke, I am your father" Award: Presented to Dick Baird, who once fought on the side of good, only to turn to the dark side.  Much like Darth Vader, Baird is too far gone to be reclaimed, and must be destroyed if the universe is to be safe for sanity and normality again.


That brings us to intermission, during which Cody Pickett was sacked twice.


Now back to the awards, beginning with The Anonymous Star Trek Crewman Award, presented to the Cougars' opposing quarterbacks.  Much like the fourth guy who accompanied Kirk, Bones, and Spock off the Enterprise and onto some forbidding world, you may not know this guy's name, but you're pretty sure that something bad is going to happen to him.


The Inspector Clouseau Award is presented to Barbara Hedges and Dana Richardson, for their bumbling approach to investigations.  That nasty Pink Panther (kinda looks like a purple weasel) is going to get all the blame for the disaster at UW, I'm sure of it.


The Ding-Dong the Witch is Dead Award is presented to the Arizona Wildcats, who are finally free of the perpetual bummer that was the John Mackovic regime.  Of course, that just means they have to go searching for brains, heart, and courage, but they probably won't have to deal with any flying monkeys, so it's not all bad.


The final award of the night is the Pop Fisher Award, presented to Cougar coach Bill Doba.  Like the coach in The Natural, he's taken a ragtag group (according to the media) led by a star with a promising but checkered past (Robert Redford as Matt Kegel?), and has them competing for a league title.  Hopefully this season ends like the movie version of Fisher's, with a big win in the final game.


Well, my first awards show ran a little long (I blame Schwarzenegger for the problems, as will all Californians soon enough), but I think it was a success.  The best-and-worst dressed lists will soon be out, and the media hype is dying down, but there's plenty of thrills left to come, beginning Saturday with Stanford.  Bring on the Trees!

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