The Joe Cougfan Report, No. 14

I GOTTA QUIT caring so much, or at very least get a hobby or a girlfriend or something. The Cougs are going to kill me. I'm still exhausted after the comedy of errors that took place in Martin Stadium Saturday night, and looking forward to this week's matchup with Southern Cal, it seems I have a lot of things to worry about.

Larry, Moe, and Curly—even with Shemp's help—could not have scripted a goofier game last Saturday.  To steal a line from Minnesota Vikings head coach Mike Tice, this kind of thing will drive you to drink.  More.  Sixty-six points, twenty-two penalties, twelve turnovers, three safeties, and a partridge in a pear tree.  Yikes.


It's a good thing the first half ended when it did, otherwise the scoreboard might have fallen over.  That's about the only thing that was left to go wrong.  Thankfully, the half from hell ended and Scott Lunde showed up in the knick of time to split the Beaver two-deep zone.


On a serious note, my heart goes out to those hurt by the fires in the So Cal area. I pray that they end quickly and with minimal injury to lives and property. On a not-so-serious note, any concerns on the part of the Trojans about practicing a week in the smoke should be alleviated, as my immense medical expertise tells me that the onset of the black lung takes more than seven days.


We interrupt this program for this Montlake moment: Fear not, Husky fans, softball season is right around the corner and the rowing crew is probably (who knows?) still winning. Now back to our program.


So the Cougars are set this week to take on the pink-lunged greatest team in the history of history, if the reports out of Southern California are to be believed.  And since no one in the L.A. area has ever been prone to exaggeration, we should be frightened not just for our team, but also for all of humanity—and their pets! They're saying that this much talent hasn't been brought together since the Justice League of America was formed, and the JLA only gets the edge because Green Lantern played both ways.  If these reports are accurate, we'll need more than just a good game plan, so I have enlisted a true Hollywood legend to give the pregame speech: the dad/chaplain guy from Hoosiers.


"And David put his hand in the bag and took out a stone and slung it.  And it struck the Philistine on the head and he fell to the ground.  Amen."


Amen, indeed.  You can't fight that.  The Trojans shall, from this point forward, be referred to as the Philistines.  I encourage all to join in.


Anyways, I'm pretty sure that Philistine offensive coordinator Norm Chow's name has officially been changed to "Norm Chow, Offensive Genius."  At least that's the case if Dan Fouts has any say in it. 


I swear, if I hear the phrase "return to dominance," or the "weapons" metaphor used again to describe the Philistine offensive players, I think I may go Paulie Walnuts on somebody.  We get it.  You're proud of your football team.  Enough already.  Get some new material.  Please.


On a totally unrelated note, as I sit here typing and watching the intro to Monday Night Football, I see they've added Toni Braxton to the show.  Are there any more washed-up musicians available for this?  Corey Hart? Debbie Gibson?  Jeez…


Back to the matter at hand. The Philistines are definitely talented, maybe more so—on paper, anyway—than the Cougars.  Of course, there's really never been a time when that wasn't the case, and we've managed to hold our own in recent years.  Hopefully, our old guys will outsmart their young guys, and we can get out of the Mausoleum with a big win and a big step toward another Rose Bowl.


Go Cougs!!!



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