The Joe Cougfan Report <br> Apple Cup Edition!

WELL, ITS FINALLY here. Apple Cup week. Courtesy of Reggie Williams, the inflammatory talk already has begun. But I consider myself a peacemaker of sorts, and wish to extend an olive branch to all Dawg fans.

Allow me to begin by saying that there is not a more lying, cheating, stealing, and dirty respected program in the country than University of Washington Softball Football.  The way current and former Husky players drag their knuckles carry themselves with pride is something that football fans everywhere should wonder about envy. 

The fact that the program is based in of one of the most car-infested beautiful cities in this great nation is yet another reason for the lousy traffic on Montlake continued excellence of Husky Football.

Husky fans are a bunch of idiotic mouth breathers some of the best anywhere; people who are truly dedicated to their triple soy mocha latte Dawgs, even though most couldn't tell you who the coach is through tough times like these last couple of years. 

Fifty  Sixty Eighty thousand strong, these people infest pack Husky Stadium when the sun is shining week in and week out, never leaving until Nevada got their eighth sack the final whistle.

Speaking of Husky Stadium, does anything compare to the UW gameday experience?  There is no football facility in the country that is more collapsible scenic than the home of the Huskies. 

The view of Mount Rainier is better than the view of the field breathtaking, and the nearby lake offers one of the most unique tailgating experiences in all of college football.

Is there a more bourgeois better way to get to the game than by boat?  This is truly the best way to avoid the traffic mess on Montlake pregame atmosphere in the country; it combines the national pastime of tailgating with the potential for pushing UW fans overboard beautiful natural surroundings of western Washington. 

Adding to the gameday misery experience is the perpetual rainfall Husky Marching Band.  They put on a freak spectacular show, highlighted by two signature tunes. 

The first of these songs is "Tequila," because nobody ever wrote a song about white zinfandel which adds to the crowd's already-festive mood.  The second musical number is the sickening Husky fight song, to which nobody knows the words, "Bow Down to Washington." 

These two songs whip the crowd into a coma frenzy, and soon after they are played, the Husky team takes the field, clad in their sissy regal purple and gold uniforms.

The Husky offense is led by senior quarterback Cody Pickett, the latest in a long line of injury-prone NFL-caliber quarterbacks at the UW.  Pickett has put up inflated big numbers in the last two years, with the help of a couple of idiots talented group of receivers. 

The pathetic resurgent running game is led by a pair of youngsters, in Shelton Sampson and Kenny James.  Windshield-smashing Fullback Zach Tuiasosopo leads the way for the two talented ballcarriers, who also run behind a consistently below average offensive line.

The Husky defense is led by a bunch of sleazy lawyers stout front seven.  Big crybaby defensive tackle Terry "Tank" Johnson is the stopper on the line.  And converted safety Greg Carothers is the emotional wreck leader of the defense from his new position in the linebacking corps. 

The secondary is manned by a bunch of guys I've never heard of quality group, which features a nice contrast of small young and slow experienced players.

After smarmy little weasel former coach Rick Neuheisel was fired this summer, longtime Don James assistant/protégé Keith Gilbertson was named as the Huskies' new ringleader head coach.  After James cried like a little girl and quit when he got caught cheating left the Husky program, a perceived lack of toughness set in with his successors. 

Gilbertson, much like his mentor, will soon be selling RVs places an emphasis on steroids and $100 handshakes defense and running from the cops the football. 

Gilbertson expects a return trip through the buffet line to the glory days of Husky football, and with the help of Athletic Director Barbara Hedges, has taken steps to ensure the rowing and softball football team's continued success.

I just want to finish by saying that I'm hoping that the big one finally hits Seattle, and UW is washed into the sound for a clean, hard-fought, drubbing of the Dogs close game.

I promise to be on my worst best behavior, and want to wish nothing but the plague best for my counterparts in purple and gold.  If, when WSU is up by thirty, things begin to get heated, just remember that this isn't life-and-death, it's much more important it's only a game.

Enjoy the week, and Go slap a dog fan Cougs!


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