Dear Friends o' Seer,
It is with heavy heart that today, on the eve of the Apple Cup, I officially announce my retirement as Cougfan.com Mystic.
The reasons for hanging up my crystal ball after six glorious years of gridiron soothsaying are manifold. For one, it's just become too painful to watch great coaches and good friends get eaten up by this monster we call "Pac-10 Football;" legendary names like Holmoe, Hackett, Toledo, Snyder, and Mackovic…No longer can I bear witness to fine men like Price and Neuheisal being lured into the Underworld of Scandal…Quoth The Seer, "Nevermore."
Further—and I'm ashamed to admit this—I've gotten way too caught up in the celebrity of the whole "Seer Phenomenon," as Entertainment Weekly calls it. Following the banning of The Seer's work by the UCLA sports information department and being featured in the Spokesman-Review in 2001, I began talking in bad sports clichés and referring to myself in the third person ("The Seer always gives 110 percent.") Next thing I know I'm showing up on Celebrities Uncensored dodging paparazzi with the Hilton sisters (Nikki's the brainy one) and switching my religious affiliations to the Church of L. Ron Hubbard (Hanging with Travolta wasn't as cool as you might think, but mama, his wife is a peach!).
And lest you think my departure has anything to do with the much publicized contract dispute The Seer went through with CF.C chief Greg "The Greg" Witter last year, let me assure you there is no truth in that. It's never been about "The Money" for me, it's always been about "The Picks." And CF.C brass actually pampers me, often referring to The Seer—er, me—as "The Meal Ticket." Why just the other day I mentioned the ink cartridge on my printer was running low and The Greg immediately piped in "Buy a new one and we'll go ‘halfsies' on it with you."
No, it's time to leave the fast times and glamour of college football prognosticating and return to the innocence of the simpler life I knew oh so many years ago. I think my good friend Elton John captured it best in this little song he wrote to commemorate The Seer's Final Chapter (to the tune of "Goodbye, Yellow Brick Road"):
When are you
gonna come down
When are you going to land
I should have stayed on The Farm
So should have Willingham
You know you can't hold me Tom Hansen
gamble with Neu
I'm not a present for Bellotti to open
Like a gift from Phil to Nike U
So goodbye to the Crimson Seer
It sure has been a real howl
You won't catch me in your strip club
I'm going to call Norm Chow
It's back to the little old house in the hood
My that Gilby's a load
Oh I've finally decided my future lies
Retired like Bob Toledo
And now, the
Rivalry Week Picks:
THE VICTORY BELL:
UCLA at SOUTHERN CAL
Another difference between UCLA and USC: Southern Gal coach Peter Clairol is 51 but acts like a 14-year old; Booin coach Karl Borell is 14 yet acts like a 51-year old.
THE CIVIL WAR:
OREGON STATE at OREGON
THE BIG GAME:
CALIFORNIA at STANFORD
Another difference between Cal and Stanford: The Cardinal only travel eight players for Hacky Sack away games.
PICK: Golden Bears
THE RACE FOR LAST PLACE (Nov. 28):
ARIZONA at ARIZONA STATE
Difference between UA and ASU: One team smells crappier than the other but at the moment it's hard to tell which one that is.
THE APPLE CUP:
WASHINGTON STATE at WASHINGTON
Another difference between WSU and UW: Cougars wave "Ol' Crimson" flag on ESPN Gameday; Dogs wave white flag in stadium tunnel.
LAST WEEK: 4-1
The Crimson Seer