Drew Dunning chia-pets and Love Jefferson bobbleheads, I saw it: lying under a table next to the trash with the stolen copies of the marching band's "Evil Ways" sheet music: A dusty, faded crimson-hued turban."> Drew Dunning chia-pets and Love Jefferson bobbleheads, I saw it: lying under a table next to the trash with the stolen copies of the marching band's "Evil Ways" sheet music: A dusty, faded crimson-hued turban.">

Ramble On! <br>Pac-10 Picks, Week One

SO I'M LOOTING through boxes of <I>Far Side</I> calendars and ripped up Chargers jerseys with 16's on them at the <I>Cougfan.com</I> garage sale, hoping to find some "Yabba Doba Doo!" baby bibs. Just when I've come to accept that there isn't anything at this sale other than <b>Drew Dunning</b> chia-pets and <b>Love Jefferson</b> bobbleheads, I saw it: lying under a table next to the trash with the stolen copies of the marching band's "Evil Ways" sheet music: A dusty, faded crimson-hued turban.

This turban unmistakably belonged to the Crimson Seer, the esoteric all-knowing one who, for six seasons, correctly picked the winner of Pac-10 games at a Herculean 67 per cent rate! Well my friends, those are some big shoes to fill. This turban's not going to fit over my head (insert your ego joke here), so any mystical powers that it may have been able to bestow upon me have been put to the wayside. But I did find a sheet of paper inside the wrap with html code for how to hack into Cougfan's front page on a weekly basis!

So here I am, Pac10… Nobody is safe from the wrath of Big Wood. Everybody pile onto the bus and behave yourself. Quit whining Stoops, you just got here and your brother will pick you up after school. Karl and Pete: learn to share… Hey, get your finger out of there, Dirk!

It's time to Ramble On….

And Gilby, give Teevens his spork back. You've got three already.

Whoa, whoa, whoa…..hold up…..there's a New Mexico now? It's like telling me milk comes in a chocolate flavor! Do they call them "New Mexicans"? Do they play New Futbol? Can I pay for my ticket in pesos? These questions need to be answered, because I'm going to need something to bide my time watching the Cougs win 88-0….

You know, they used to put the home guys in the colored shirts and the away guys in the white shirts so when you watched the game on a black and white television, you could tell which players were on which team. Now I'm praying I can trick my set into flipping into grayscale so I don't have to watch this unholy alliance of orange and purple. Seriously, this is going to be like watching the dryer tumble my zubaz pants from 1987… (ok, by "1987", I meant "Thursday"….) Pick: Tigers

My buddy Hawk and I were watching a game awhile back and after going through all the magazines on my coffee table, he picks up an Entertainment Weekly. "You have a subscription?" he asks. "Yeah, I got a pretty good deal on it, too," I reply. "Something like $100 for three years." "Cool…..so how often do you get it?" (go back and read that again if you need to). You look around to the expert pickers that are paid more than I am, and they all seem to think ASU is the trendy surprise team. What they're failing to grasp is that Dirkles is still only checking his mailbox once a month. But I'll give him this one (forgive me, St. Mike). Pick: Sun Devils

Have you ever been talking to a woman at a bar that seems to have everything going for her? I mean she's smart, she's funny, you can't stop staring at her personalities, etc…. You're hanging on every word she says until the unthinkable happens: she drops something on the ground and reaches down to pick it up just long to get a glimpse of her GIGANTIC OLD LADY UNDERPANTS. Ugh! It's over! All that talent going to waste… This is where UCLA comes in. 12 million people in the Los Angeles area whom all seem to be five star recruits and Karl Dorrell still can't find a Victoria's Secret? Has Hanes secured a deal to make the uniforms? I could keep going but the powers that be are moving me straight to… Cowboys

Fresno comes rolling into the Ave Shack as an outsider on this Sunday afternoon (apparently BYU wasn't willing to schedule a forfeit.) Often regarded as one of the better athletic departments in smaller conferences, The Green V's are often scoffed as a potential Pac10 member because of their weaker academic reputation. Granted, but in this match-up of Wonderlic breakers, the red guys know how to spell D-O-G. Pick: Bulldogs

Directional Schools? Really? Mike? Have some heart, Cats! Playing weak-sister schools like Eastern Michigan, Central Illinois or Southern California does NOTHING to impress the voters! Pick: Wildcats

Am I the only person in America not expecting big things from Cal this year? Aaron Rodgers to Geoff McArthur? Fantastic…..ask Cody and Reggie how that one worked out. Pick: Falcons

Eugene Francis Teevens the third…. How do you not hate a guy like this? You mean to tell me that this man—as offensive coordinator at Illinois—lost to the NINETY-EIGHT COUGS of all teams and was PROMOTED to head coach?!? You think he recruits players by telling them about the glory of the '92 Blue-Gray Bowl? (he lost by the way…) Having a guy like Buddy to pick on makes me wonder why the last columnist wanted to hangup his crystal ball…. You know what Eugene? I'll give you this one, but next week: you're mine. Pick: Trees

And in this Glorious Bye week: Recently unemployed career counselor Mike Williams takes time out to help the Trojan family find the real killers, and I make a common wisecrack against Oregon's uniforms. More to come!

Last year I started with $100 and ended up with a little over a grand. I was going to buy a big ass TV but my landlord had other ideas for the money…. Anyway, here begins Toshiba Fund II.

Week One ($100)
Michigan St (-6.5) over Rutgers: $25
Oklahoma St (+1) over UCLA: $25
Oregon St (+18 ½) over LSU: $25
Florida St (+2 ½) over Miami, FL: $25

Have a question or comment? Need a stock tip? Can't find a date for your High School Reunion (or better yet, your prom?) Hit up the mailbag at ramble_on@comcast.net

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