I've learned that while the Cougs can't run the ball, the Huskies can't pass it. UCLA can't play defense, and ASU can't be bothered to stop blitzing and throwing deep when up four touchdowns. I've learned that it's damn near impossible to fit a column in between 10 hours of work and Saved by the Bell reruns each day, and I've learned if I crack jokes about my editor in a draft it will never see the light of day.
But seriously! I freaking picked Air Force? Who gave me this job?
And because it needs to be said…Alexis Serna: anybody want to throw a hug at this kid?
OREGON STATE at BOISE STATE
Is this seriously the only joke I get to crack about the smurf turf this year? Boise State attempts to go a perfect 0-10 against the Pac10 this week, the only winless team in the WAC. Apparently, Hawkins hasn't gotten the memo about scheduling Washington in the Ave Shack. Sigh….needed to get that out. Don't look now, but Oregon State's going for two!!! Pick: Beavers
ARIZONA STATE at NORTHWESTERN
I'll spare you the details, but I received some "fanmail" from ASU's Sports Information Department kindly asking me to stop referring to "Coach Koetter" as "Dirkles". However, nothing was mentioned about tweaking the name of their mascot. Winner: Sun Dirkles
UCLA at ILLINOIS
Have you ever looked at a match-up and figured that the only people winning are the ones that don't care about it? The same people watching this nationally televised game could probably tell you what happened on Gilmore Girls last Tuesday (and frankly, they'd probably be the same people that would be able to tell you what night Gilmore Girls is actually on…) This game actually ended 6-3 last year. And neither team presented much of a defensive challenge…. ugh. My gut says whomever snaps the fewest punts through the back of the endzone will end up winning this game. Pick: Illini win 4-2.
COLORADO at WASHINGTON STATE
As an underpaid representative from the city of Seattle, I'd like to welcome Bobby Purify and the rest of the University of Colorado to our fair city. As a token of my gratitude for your visit, I'd like to present each one of you a new pair of skis! (Just sign these forms)…. There! Now that EVERY player is sitting in the ineligible line with Jeremy Bloom, we can start the wet t-shirt contest at Tiki Bob's a couple hours sooner….Pick: Cougs
NEW MEXICO STATE at CALIFORNIA
All right Cal, I'm sorry. You aren't the losers I painted you out to be last week. Perhaps you're better than Cody and Reggie. This week's lesson: learn to flex! Pick: Bears
INDIANA at OREGON
Indiana makes a great T-Shirt for their sports teams that says "Hoosier Daddy?" Oregon has since tried a similar T-Shirt that says "Hoosier-assistant-coach-who-illegally-filled-out-a-letter-of-intent-for-a-recruit-and-forged-the-signature-of-your-Daddy?" Sadly, they couldn't fit it all on the front, so they get the next best thing: a victory. Pick: Ducks
COLORADO STATE at USC
Football makes its triumphant return to Compton for the big Ram/Trojan match-up (out of the gutter, people…. out of the gutter) I find it incredibly puzzling that television analysts have not picked up on the fact that Reggie Bush shares the same last name as our president! Seriously, they had drawn so many comparisons between the two, I thought they were going to show Reggie reading Pet Goat. More importantly, this bit kept the song girls off television for at least 10 minutes worth of sweater-time. God, I hate the Trojans…. but they'll win this by 30. Pick: Trojans
BRIGHAM YOUNG at STANFORD
Everyone's team of righteousness rumbles into the Mighty House of Teevens with a monster 1-0 record. We're 10 games away from another lawsuit, folks! You just can't think that Eugene Francis the Third has his head into the game right now, seeing as those Star Wars DVDs come out in like a week. Pick: Fake Cougars
UTAH at ARIZONA
This is the matchup I've been waiting for all year. With Keith Van Horn, Michael Doleac and Andre Miller leading the Utes into action. And how stacked can the Wildcats get? They ‘re my frontrunner for the National Cham…. what?! Football? Hmm….maybe it's not too late to head to Teevens' place and borrow his copy of Jedi. Pick: Utes
WASHINGTON at BYE
In the Huskies' week off, fans can only help but to contemplate whether their marching band would still play "Tequila" if White Zinfandel had a theme song…..
LAST WEEK: 7-1
SEASON TOTAL: 7-1
UNCLE WOOD'S FUNTIME GAMBLING GRAB BAG!!!
Well, last week, UCLA didn't let me down by further smogging up Pasadena, and after the Beavs took LSU to overtime, I frankly could have cared less about the crying kicker, they'd done enough for me. You would have thought that John L. Smith would've spent enough time meditating on Kilimanjaro to figure out how to beat the freaking Scarlet Knights though….And my beef with whoever creates hurricanes continues, as Mother Nature has prevented Mother Sportsbook from paying me my $25 a week early.
After paying the vig for the two wins and letting the FSU game ride, Toshiba Fund II is currently sitting at $122, up $22 from last week. I can't miss this weekend with teams like:
Week Two ($122)
Oregon St (+7 ½) over Boise St: $33
Georgia (-8) over South Carolina: $32
Brigham Young (+3 ½) over Stanford: $32
Florida State (+2 ½) over Miami, FL: $25
Have a question or comment? Need a stock tip? Can't find a date for your High School Reunion (or better yet, your prom?) Hit up the mailbag at firstname.lastname@example.org
Ramble On! Pac-10 Picks, Week Two
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