Last season, when the Huskies were clobbered by the Buckeyes, I had newspaper clippings all over her desk, replaced her computer wallpaper with the now-infamous Gilby-slouch pose, and changed her ringtone to OSU's ‘unofficial' fight song "Hang On, Sloopy." Now I can't think of anything to say except "hang in there." Hang in there?
I'm freaking 26-years-old and in the prime of my insult-giving life, yet the 0-4 Huskies are draining every ounce of sarcastic energy from my body! I just can't do it anymore.
That being said, I'll be on her like PacMan on Blue Ghosts if San Jose can pull it off!
What did we learn last week? Well, the Beavs and I are once-again OFF speaking terms until further notice; I mean, they were flattened by a third string running back wearing a pink cast! And while Jeff Tedford proves Oregon was better when he was around, I still think Mike Bellotti was a better coach a few years ago when I still thought he was Burt Reynolds.
STANFORD at NOTRE DAME
Is it just me or is Buddy Teevens the guy in your office who has about 15 different Bachelor degrees and a Masters in two more subjects, yet works in the mailroom? From a distance you ponder why he isn't somewhere more prominent, given the pedigree he comes from (or has bestowed upon himself) then you talk to him for about 30 seconds and realize the mailroom might be the best spot for him after all. Hell, the mailroom isn't the worst spot in the world; to prove it, Buddy has this weekend to ask Ty how well upper-management's working out for him. Irish
CALIFORNIA at SOUTHERN CAL
Keeping with the "person in the office" theme, Trojan fans lately have become the lady at work that brings her eight year old to your desk to sell you soccer candy. Now being 6-4 and 220, I've become quite the sales target for these mothers. I'm big enough that the notion of "he must like candy" comes to their mind, yet I'm not big enough to think "would it be mean to sell sugar to the fat guy?" I'm like flypaper for kids with shinguards and reversible jerseys! Anyway, why do Trojan fans feel that we should root for them for the good of the Pac 10? How does a USC national title help me? I will not be guilted into wanting USC to win and while I don't like to see kids falling into the D&D crowd at such a young age, I'm done paying for their halftime oranges! As for the game, I've been going back and forth all week about who I think will win this game. Well, actually I've been going back and forth about the margin of the Cal victory. Bears
SAN JOSE STATE at WASHINGTON
I thought about telling you Gilby is the person in your office who has to take the elevator up, even one flight, but I've told enough fat and/or lazy jokes for one season. Football (if you can call it that) returns to the Ave Shack, which after Saturday could be named the Ave WAC (yes, I thought of that myself). I'd say losing to three WAC teams at home in a row is unprecedented, but I'm pretty sure the Beavs have done it a few times over by now. Plus, as bad as the Huskies are this year, they're not "lose to San Jose at home" bad. Huskies
OREGON at WASHINGTON STATE
Dear Floaters, Leave those duck-call-things at home. In fact, stay at home. But tell your cheerleaders I'm in Section 26. Don't worry, they remember me. I was the guy who they asked to buy a raffle ticket at the game last year and accidentally gave them my wallet (not one of my brighter moments, but hey, I won a Frisbee signed by Jason Fife!). If the Cougs win this game, they'll have an all time winning record against TWO conference teams! If only Texas were in the Pac...Cougs
ARIZONA at UCLA
Basketball powerhouses collide wearing pads in Westwood this weekend. Karl Dorrell sizes up Mike Stoops for the first time. I'm sorry if you are tuning into this game expecting a coaching clinic: John Wooden and Lute Olsen, they ain't. Did you know that UCLA calls their offense "The Cable Guys"? Ugh, if there was ever something more horrifying than those "Vandals are Cable-ready" commercials coming from the UI a few years ago, I think we've found it. Stoops is working on more creative play-calling situations, as the whole "running-the-ball-instead-of-downing-it" worked out so well the last time his team took the field; scouts have reported the Wildcats will play the third quarter this weekend without cleats. Bruins
ARIZONA STATE, OREGON STATE at BYE
The Dirkles and Beavs spend this week hitting the phones. ASU is looking to see if they can find a good cleaner to get the patchouli stench out of their uniforms from their trip to Eugene, and OSU is looking to see if Idaho wants to play again before November.
LAST WEEK: 2-2
SEASON TOTAL: 23-10
UNCLE WOOD'S FUNTIME GAMBLING GRAB-BAG
We're going to stay humble for the time being, because while Toshiba Fund III went 4-0 and the cash was doubled last weekend, I'd rather have been 4-0 after I've been up for a few weeks. Super Bowl on my couch DEPENDS ON IT!!! We're letting the winnings of last week ride:
Week 2 ($200)
San Diego St (-3) over Wyoming: $50
Minnesota (moneyline) over Michigan: $50
Oklahoma (-6.5) over Texas: $50
Oklahoma St (-6.5) over Colorado: $50
Have a question or comment? Need a stock tip? Can't find a date for your High School Reunion (or better yet, your prom?) Hit up the mailbag at firstname.lastname@example.org
Ramble On! Pac-10 Picks, Week Six
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