Washington at Syracuse
Before taking the field, Ty "I prefer to be called Tyrone" Willy orders team to genuflect at the feet of Pope Jake the First. After five sacks and two picks at hands of lowly Orangemen, O-coordinator Tim Lappano heard muttering, "Jesus in Cleats, my butt."
Houston at Oregon
Dixon spends halftime looking for Braves game on the Nike-bought plasma. Bellotti refuses to grow back the source of all his power -- the 70s movie star 'stache -- so Houston makes it closer than it should be.
UCLA at Stanford
Harbaugh gets in Bruins' heads by saying UCLA assistants are "the best importers-exporters in the history of college football." But after Gordon Rise declares game will not be decided by a spelling bee, the Cardinal fold quickly.
Arizona at BYU
Looking for mental edge, Mike "Banner of Heaven" Stoops asks Brigham Young coach Bronco Mendenhall if Jeanne Tripplehorn is his favorite "Big Love" wife, too.
San Jose State at Arizona State
Educational requirements no longer required in Tempe as Erickson vows to put the athlete back in student-athlete. "Sue may coom lawdy!" Erickson exhorts after halftime hook up with beer-funnelator.
Pick: DUI Sun Devils
Idaho at USC
Carroll has a heart and lines field with ambulances just before kickoff. But it's Pretty-boy Pete who is carted off after groin pull trying to out-jump Akey. Vandals avoid shutout with late field goal against Trojan walks on, thus narrowly preempting a malpractice suit against Idaho's athletic director.
Pick: Southern Gal
Tennessee at Cal
Phil Fulmer: Misunderstood antichrist or just a rib-eatin', mayonnaise-lovin', fried-food chowin' antichrist? After Bear wideout DeSean Jackson scores first-quarter TD, Fulmer demands, "Get into my belly."
Utah at Oregon State
Utes have new marketing slogan: "You know, Urban Meyer once coached here." Reser Foods introduces pre-game layered bean dip in honor of Riley's two-QB system. It tastes like day-old garlic fries at Safeco, but Utah still struggles.
Pick: Oregon State
Washington State at Wisconsin
Romeen the Dream dons Dunning's signature-brand hair gel, boots winning field goal as time expires. Marsupial faithful don't care. There's beer to be quaffed and cheese to be wedged.
Adonis the Greek: Week 1 prognostications
Washington at Syracuse