The No. 6-rated Golden Bears' favorite red zone play -– running back Justin Forsett lines up behind center and QB Nate Longshore goes to wideout –- has the coach of the No. 11-ranked (and favored) Ducks fuming. "I think Tedford is taunting me -– he knows we've done squat since he left here and now he wants me to obsess all week on that stupid playground play of his. I mean, it's just one play," said Mike Bellotti. "But it is in the red zone. I don't know. Maybe we should ……"
Meanwhile, eavesdropping Duck offensive coordinator Chip "Chip" Kelly, looking to match Tedford's magic, cryptically asks Jonathan Stewart: "You ever put your hands under the butt of a 300-pound dude from Yuba City?"
ARIZONA STATE at STANFORD
HERE'S TO YA JIM: The games get mighty fun when the halftime Gatorade is spiked with a little Jack Daniels.
They're calling this one the Lindsey Lohan Cup. Google each head coach's name along with the acronyn DUI. Whoa, Nellie, cut ‘em off Mr. Barkeep! Devilish AD Lisa "Best of My" Love says she's just glad her coach's run-in with the law happened before the Internet was fully underway. "I'm proud to announce that Mr. Hairbaugh generates 1,060 Google responses to only 620 for Coach Erickson." Stanford QB T.C. Ostrander cries foul. "Replace DUI with the word 'drunken' and then see who's on top?" he asks.
Regardless of Saturday's outcome, the two coaches insist, the day will be perfect. "One of us gets to party until dawn and the other gets to drown in Maker's Mark," says Erickson. "And when you think about it," notes Hairbaugh, "you're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on."
UCLA at OREGON STATE
Karl Snorrel vs. Male Patern Mike Riley. There's enough charisma here to light up, say, the shoemaker's hut in one of those villages set up around the Christmas tree. Just when the Ruins thought they found a quarterback, Cowan goes down and it's back to the reincarnation of Casey Paus, also known as Ben Olson. Riley's battle cry, "They're nothing more than Idaho State in powder blue jerseys," fires up Beavs.
Pick: SPORTS BRASSIERES
USC at WASHINGTON
There's trouble brewing in Eden, er, Montlake. Husky wideout Marcel Reese has a crisis in confidence, realizing his prediction of a perfect season (for the Dawgs, silly, not the Trojans) is "in serious danger." Worse, Seattle Times public relations guru Steve Kelley is stumped that his Jake Locker "Heisman Watch" campaign isn't taking hold.
J.D. Booty vows to pass for 600 yards in order to woo the Times' p.r. machine to his side. Pete Clairol wishes the game was played in the Tacoma Dome because "that rainy mist thing they have up there just frizzes the heck out of my hair."
WASHINGTON STATE at ARIZONA
Air Zona head man Mike Stoops' incoherent babble after losing to Cal -- "It's just grenades and tiddlywinks and things like that" – gets AD Jim Livengood sentimental for the good ol' days with John Mackovic. WSU AD Jim Sterk says a loss Saturday will leave him with a crazy urge to start calling his head coach "Gilby."
LAST WEEK: 4-1. OK, I know the Stanford over Oregon idea was a reach, but if you have to admit it was looking good for about 20 minutes.