THE VICTORY BELL:
SOUTHERN CAL (6-1, 8-2) at UCLA (4-2,7-3)
Bruisen rookie QBs insist they're not frightened by hard-hitting Troy defense, and insist the high incidence of bed-wetting between the two of them this week is just a coincidence.
Toejams QB Calmer Palmer says he doesn't remember getting papered or plastic-ed by Rien "Tumak" Long, but does report having several disturbing nightmares of being crushed by a caveman.
THE APPLE CUP:
WASHINGTON (3-4,6-5) AT WASHINGTON STATE (6-0,9-1)
Speaking of the Stone Age Cougar, we offer this little known fact from the Rien Long file: When Rien was born, the doctor didn't slap him…he shaved him! Ba-da-dum!
A season salvaged: Not only are the Mutts guaranteed no worse than a second place finish in the mythical Northwest Championship Series, Rick the Fish Neushiesal has been named a finalist for the Lambright Trophy, given annually to the college coach who best exemplifies Lambo's tradition of doing less with more.
THE BIG GAME:
STANFORD (1-6, 2-8) at CAL (3-4, 6-5)
Ah, the illuminating juxtapositions of the "Big" game: Bongs versus Brains; Apathy versus Anarchy; The Farm versus the Pot Farm; Lacrosse versus Hacky Sack. Sinkford won't win this 105th Battle for the Axe, but it's likely their coach Buddy "Lee" Teevens will get it soon enough.
Pick: Golden Bears
THE CIVIL WAR:
OREGON (3-4,7-4) at OREGON STATE (3-4, 7-4)
Recent poll of Pac-10 officiating crews rates the Oregon State Big Teeth as the toughest team to call, noting that every Derbrick Anderson pass is an intentional grounding flag waiting to happen.
Speaking of wayward pigskins: After making a traumatic cameo against the Dogs last weekend, Duck backup QB Smellin' Kellen Clemens realized holding a clipboard not such a bad job after all.
THE DESERT DANCE (November 29)
ARIZONA STATE (4-3, 7-5) at ARIZONA (1-6, 4-7)
Turns out that the 50 or so Riled Cats who voiced their displeasure to the university president concerning coach John Mussolinivic planned on doing so weeks earlier but didn't know their way around campus.
I'd like to dedicate this karaoke performance to Boise Devil coach, Dork Koetter: "Slip slidin' away. Slip slidin' away. You know the nearer your destination, the more you're slip slidin' away. Mmm.