Moore: True perspective on rival's new coach

"STRETCH! STRETCH! STRETCH!" Steve Sarkisian barked as he ran from Husky Stadium to an adjacent practice field at the start of last Friday morning's UW football practice. It was only 9 o'clock, but the new coach at Washington State's rival was already fired up, and I started to get sick again. Every time I see the Dawgs' new coach, the same thing happens – I'm overcome with this urge to mock him.

This is followed by another urge to stick my finger down my throat.

I feel like this for several reasons. For one, he's so damned mockable. For another, I'm a Coug, and I'm wired to naturally dislike any Husky football coach no matter who he is or how he acts, and this guy is off the charts with the way he conducts himself.

Chickens with their heads cut off don't run around as crazily as he does. It's go, go, go all the time, then go, go, go some more. He doesn't have ADD, he's got ADDDDDDDD.

"We only know how to go one way and that's 100 mph," Sarkisian said after practice one day.

And it changes to 110 mph when trying to break as many NCAA recruiting rules as possible if this past December-January-February is any indication.

SARKISIAN WEARS A pedometer and measures how many steps he takes during the day and proudly told reporters that he had taken 20-some thousand, or about 8 miles, when he was asked about it after a practice early last week.

I suspect that sometime next month, Sarkisian will boast that he's moving so fast and in so many directions that he's petitioned the National Weather Service to rename the term "wind" to "sark". Hey, if "hot air" is included, I'm all for it.

It's as if the Coach Sark Kool-Aid drinkers, of which there are many in Seattle, think that his boundless energy and enthusiasm will magically transform an 0-12 team.

I guess it's possible. But it's also possible that the Huskies will still be horrible with him in charge. Sarkisian has never been a head coach. Of course, he was successful as an offensive coordinator at USC.

But who wouldn't be?

I KNOW, I shouldn't be such a hater, it does not speak well of me, but this overhyped Coach Sark stuff that's been foisted upon the masses non-stop since he arrived brings out the worst in me.

In his defense, Sarkisian makes $1.8 million a year. Because I'm mostly unemployed, I have a lot of time on my hands, time enough to figure out that that factors out to around $35,000 a week or $7,000 a day.

STEVE SARKISIAN

If I made 7K a day, I'd not only run around like Coach Sark, I'd do backflips and somersaults all the way to Husky AD Scott Woodward's office to thank him for overpaying me.

And it's not just Coach Sark in the flesh, it's Coach Sark in cyberspace -- you can try, but you can't get away from him.

Coach Sark's on Twitter, and he has his own blog at CoachSark.com, where you'll find the very latest in non-news developments.

JUST LAST WEEK we learned that UW offensive line coach Dan Cozzetto owns Brubaker's Bakery in Phoenix and would like Husky fans to stop on by when they're in town for the game against ASU on Oct. 17. I guess a UW assistant position doesn't pay the bills like it used to -- so come on down and stop by, and buy a bucket of jelly rolls, too, okay?

And then we find out that a place in the University District, Shultzys, is planning to come out with a Coach Sark burger. Let me guess, it will be piled high with all kinds of bells and whistles – cheese, lettuce, tomato, avocado, onions, pickles, mayo, mustard, ketchup.

All on top of a paper-thin patty.

Coach Sark.com also offers "Thoughts of the Day" and a "Coach of the Day" and a "Play of the Day." Two weeks ago, special teams coach Johnny Nansen was "Coach of the Day" because Sarkisian said he was "on fire" during a meeting.

Nansen, as you know, played for the Cougs in the mid-'90s and was even a co-captain, and now here he is, on fire at a meeting on Montlake.

He's not my "Coach of the Day," he's my "Traitor of the Decade." He's nothing more than a Dick Baird to me now.

And my day's not complete until I get Coach Sark's "Thought of the Day." They're all so inspiring. I can't tell you how much these daily affirmations help me. Last Friday's was particularly touching:

"Do what you love and love what you do."

Damn. Thanks Coach Sark! Never heard that one before! Do you have any thoughts on how to climb every mountain and ford every stream?!

Ready or not, the self-promoting, sickness-inducing Steve Sarkisian era at Washington is about to begin.

BECAUSE I AM a sick person even when I'm not around Coach Sark, I can't wait for the Dawgs' opener against LSU on Sept. 5 -- the night reality arrives.

After that loss, U-Dub fans will chalk it up more to the quality of the opponent than flaws with their own team.

That's why I've got Sept. 12 circled on my calendar – that day, the Huskies play their second game against Idaho. Can you imagine what would happen if the Vandals hand the Dawgs their 16th consecutive defeat? Can you picture Idaho coach Robb Akey high-fiving everyone in sight as he leaves Husky Stadium?

Me too.


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