Cougar Joke Compendium

Considering this is the first Apple Cup in nearly a decade that means anything, it's time to roll out the oldies, the goodies, and the just plain hillarious. That's right! It's time for all the Cougar jokes you can stand, and then a few more. Consider this the Cougar Joke Compendium, since we all know the list of WSU jokes is endless. And feel free to add some of your favorites too!

Q: Four students from WSU were riding in the back of a pick-up truck when the driver hit a slick patch in the road and skidded into a deep pond. All four students drowned. Why?
A: They couldn't get the tail-gate open.

Q: What is the difference between a smart Cougar and Bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been spotted.

Q: What is black and brown and looks good on a Cougar fan?
A: A Doberman.

Q: Why did the Cougar stare at frozen orange juice can for two hours?
A: Because it said, "Concentrate."

Q: What is the difference between a Cougar and a catfish?
A: One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.

Q: How do you make a Cougar football player laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell him a joke on Wednesday.

Q: What do Huskies and Cougars have in common?
A: They both applied to UW.

Q: How do you amuse a Cougar for hours?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a football.

Q: What do you get when you cross a Cougar fan with a pig?
A: Nothing. There's some things a pig's just not gonna do.

Q: How can you tell when a Cougar sends you a fax?
A: It has a stamp on it.

Q: You heard of the Cougar who broke his leg raking leaves?
A: He fell out of a tree....

Q: Why did the wazzu grad cover her ears?
A: She was trying to hold in a thought!

Q: What do you call a 250 pound Cougar cheerleader?
A: Anorexic.

Q: What does a Cougar grad call a Husky grad?
A: Boss.

Q: What do you get when you cross a Mormon and a Cougar?
A: A basement full of stolen groceries...

Q: How do cougar brain cells die?
A: Alone

Q: Did you hear about the cougar who won an Olympic gold medal?
A: He had it bronzed.

Q: Why did the cougar carry the car door with him when he walked through the desert?
A: So he could roll down the window when he got too hot.

Q: What are the eight words guaranteed to break a WSU cheerleader's heart?
A: "Sorry honey, we just ran out of bacon."

Q. What's crimson & gray and goes 100 mph?
A. A cougar in a blender.

Q: Why wasn't Jesus born in Pullman?
A: God couldn't find three wise men or a virgin.

Q: How do you make a WSU graduate leave your house?
A: Pay him for the pizza.

Q: How Do you hurt a cougar while he is drinking?
A: Slam the toilet seat on him!

Q: What do you have, when you have 20 Cougs in one room?
A: A full set of teeth.

Q: What's black and blue and goes tha-dump, tha-dump, tha-dump?
A: A Cougar in a dryer.

Q: What's 6-13-6?
A: The IQ of the Cougar defensive line.

Q: Did you hear about the Cougar water polo team?
A: They had to cancel their season after the horses all drowned in the first game.

Q: Why don't they raise chickens in Pulman?
A: They plant the eggs too deep.

Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk and a dead Cougar on the highway?
A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

Q: What do you call a Cougar football player with an IQ of 20?
A: Gifted.

Q: What do you call a good looking girl in Pulman?
A: A Tourist.

Q: Why don't they have ice in the bars in Pulman?
A: They lost the recipe.

Q: Why did the Pulman police department take the 9-1-1 off of their cars?
A: Cougar football players kept stealing them because they thought they were Porsches.

Q: What's crimson & gray, six miles long and has an IQ of 41?
A: The WSU student body.
Q: What's the longest ten years of a Cougar football players life?
A: His freshman year.

Q: How do you confuse a Cougar student farmer?
A: Give him two shovels and tell him to take his pick.

Q: Why do Cougar football players have such small steering wheels in their cars?
A: So they can drive with handcuffs on.

Q: Where do Cougar cheerleaders go in the morning?
A: Home.

Q: How do you keep a Cougar out of your front yard?
A: Put up some goalposts

Q: Did you hear OJ wanted to attend WSU?
A: He wanted to go where everybody's DNA was the same.

Q: How many WSU grads does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just the both of them, but it takes them 6 months and they get 6 credits for it.

Q: Why do Cougars put their diplomas on the dashboard?
A: So they can park in the handicapped spots.

Q: What's the difference between the Cougars and Cheerios?
A: Cheerios make it into a Bowl.

Q: How is a Cougar like a possum?
A: Both play dead at home and usually die on the road.

Q: What is the difference between a Cougar and a computer?
A: You have to punch information into both, but with a computer, you only have to do it once.

Q: What's the difference between a Cougar cheerleader and an elephant?
A: About 10 pounds.

Q: Know how to make it even?
A: Force feed the elephant.

Q: What's the difference between a Cougar cheerleader and the garbage?
A: The garbage gets taken out at least once a week.

Q: How do you find Wazzu?
A: Head East until you smell it, then South until you step in it.

Q. What does a COUG yell when they discover a rat in the kitchen?
A. Dinner's ready!

Q. What do people do when a Coug exposes himself?
A. Squint!

Q: What do you get when you cross a Cougar and a big dumb Jackass?
A: A bigger,dumber, slower big dumb jackass.

Q: Why do WSU women wear bibs?
A: To keep the chew off their dresses.

Q: How many Cougars does it take to get to a bowl game?
A: Yeah, right.

Q: Why did WSU decide to put astroturf in Martin Stadium?
A: To keep the cheerleaders from grazing

Q: Why do the Wazzu chearleaders hate coming to Husky Stadium?
A: They can't graze on the artificial turf.

Q: What's a Cougar's idea of foreplay?
A: "Hey, sis, roll over!"

Q: What did the Cougar grad say to the UW grad?
A: "Welcome to McDonalds. May I take your order?"

Q: What does a WSU woman tell her lover when she's done with sex?
A: "Get off me, Dad, you're crushing my smokes!"

Q: Why did they put cardboard over the Martin Stadium field?
A: Because the Cougars look better on paper.

Q: What do you get when you breed a WSU Cougar and a groundhog?
A: Six more weeks of bad football.

Q: How do you neuter a Cougar?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw!

Q: What do Cougar Football players always get on their final exams?
A: Drool.

Q: What do you call a cougar golfing with an IQ of 120?
A: A foursome!

Q: Why are a tornado and a cougar divorce similar?
A: You know someone is going to lose a house trailer!

Q: What does a Cougar say to a Husky at McDonald's?
A: "May I take your order, sir?"

Q: What's the number one pickup line used for picking up WAZZU chicks?
A: "Hey, nice tooth!"

Q: What do Cougar cheerleaders and Cougar quarterbacks have in common?
A: They're always on their backs.

Q: How do you keep cougars out of your yard?
A: Put up goalposts.

Q: What has 20 legs and 3 teeth?
A: The first row of fans at Martin Stadium.

Q: How do you keep a Cougar from drinking too much?
A: Slam the toilet on his head.

Sign seen near Husky Stadium during the last Apple Cup...WSU Parking: Tractors please park on the left. Combines please park on the right.

Sign seen when crossing into Washington from Oregon: Warning. Sales Tax ahead.
Sign seen when crossing into Washington from Canada: Cheap beer and smokes ahead, eh?
Sign seen when crossing into Washington from Idaho: Keep driving. It gets better.

In America they say, "It's 10:00. Do you know where your children?"
In France they say, "It's 10:00. Do you know where your wife is?"
In Italy they say, "It's 10:00. Do you know where your car is?"
In Pullman they say, "It's 10:00. Do you know what time it is?"

What are the three biggest lies in Pullman?
1) That combine over there, its paid for.
2) This belt buckle, I won it in a rodeo.
3) I was just helping that sheep over the fence.
You know you're in Pullman when...the mortuary has a neon sign in the window and the hearse has a trailer hitch.

If you have ever won a moose "mate-calling" contest using an oriface other than your mouth...then you must be a Cougar.
A Coug riddle: If two Cougs get married in Pullman and then move to Seattle, are they still brother and sister?
A blind guy walks by the fish market, pauses and says," AH, Cougar cheerleaders I didn't think the game was until next week."
Last night there was a fire at the WSU library. They lost 20 books to the flames. The worst part was that 15 of them hadn't been colored in yet!
Did you hear about the student who transferred from Washington to Washington State and raised the IQ of both Universities?
Bubba, the Cougar linebacker and his new wife Darlene were driving to their honeymoon in Moscow. Bubba reached over and placed his hand on Darlene's knee. Darlene said, "Bubba, you can go further if you'd like!" So Bubba drove to Boise.
The Coug was driving in his pickup down the farm road one hot dusty day with the window rolled down and his arm resting on the windowsill. He turned his head to the left,sniffed the air and said, "ooohweee, when ARE they going to invent Left Guard?"
Rumor had it that Mike Price dreamed up a sure fire way not to lose the Apple Cup. If the Cougs win the coin toss prior to the opening kick off he's instructed his players to elect not to play.
Three students from Wazzu were in the park and they saw some tracks on the ground. They were guessing what they were from. One guy said that they were bear tracks, another guy said that they were raccoon tracks, and the last guy said that they were opossum tracks. Then the train came.
One day at the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter was greeting new comers. The first man was a brilliant engineer, so he and St. Peter talked about the great structures and buildings of the world. Next was a mathematician from Harvard, so they talked about the most complex math problems in the history of civilization. The third guy had an IQ of 78 and a six pack in his right hand and St. Peter says, "How 'bout them Cougs!"
A WSU student walked into a bar in Seattle and ordered two beers. After he paid for the beers he drank one and poured the other one all over his right hand. The bartender was curious to what he was doing so he asked him, and the WSU student replied "I'm trying to get my date drunk."
A man died and was sent to Hell. As he was being led down the path, he noticed a Coug he had known back in the land of the living. The Coug had one of the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen draped all over him. The man began to complain to the devil about all the bad things he heard were going to happen to him, and questioned why the Coug had such an attractive woman. To this the devil responded, "How dare you question the way things are? How dare you question that woman's punishment."
Did you hear about the Coug that went to the library and checked out a book called "How to Hug?" Got back to the dorm and found out it was volume seven of the encyclopedia.
Apparently the FBI was called to WSU's practice the other day when they discovered a mysterious powder on the field that none of them had seen before. The FBI ran some tests before concluding that it was the goal line.
Two men, one Cougar and one Husky, are using a public restroom. When the Cougar notices that the Husky didn't wash his hands afterward, he says "Hey, at WSU they teach us to wash our hands after using the restroom." "Oh really," the Husky replies. "Well at UW we're smart enough to know not to pee on our hands."
A few years back, there was a popular defensive lineman that played for Washington State. When it came to be towards the end of his senior year, the guy (named Butch) found out that he didn't have enough credits to graduate. He went into to the administration building at Wazzu and pleaded with the dean to let him graduate, but to no avail. He had to have the same amount of credits as his fellow students if he wanted a degree of any sort.

Well, it came to be that time of year, and Butch decided he would show up at his graduation ceremony anyway, regardless of whether he was getting a diploma or not. As each student was called up to receive their degree, a chant began growing through the crowd. It grew and grew until it became a stomping and roaring yell of "Let Butch graduate!! Let Butch graduate!!" They came to the end of the students and the dean, fearing a riot if he didn't comply, called Butch up to the podium as the crowd erupted in cheers.

"Butch," he said into the mic, "I'll let you graduate if you can answer me this ONE question. What is four plus two?"

Now Butch stepped back and contemplated for a long period of time. You could practically see those rusty wheels turning as he thought about the possibilities. After a considerable pause, he stepped up to the mic and said, "Uhhh, six?"

A hush fell over the crowd, until the next chant began. "Give him another guess!!! Give him another guess!!"
It's Apple Cup weekend in Seattle. A man walks into a store dressed in red and gray from head to toe, except for his black slacks. He asks the salesman, "Do you carry any red pants? I'm a huge Cougar fan!"

"I knew that before you even opened your mouth," said the salesman.

"Why? Is it my outfit?"

"No. This is a hardware store."
A longtime Palouse wheat farmer dies of old, old age. He finds himself thrust into the depths of Hell.

The devil sidles up to him and says, "Pretty hot down here, isn't it?"

The old farmer says, "No, not really."

The devil goes over to a thermometer and turns up the heat and retorts, "What do you think now?"

The old farmer replies, "I was a wheat farmer in Eastern Washington for more than 70 years. I know what hot is, and this isn't it."

This really ticks off the devil, so he goes over to the thermostat and cranks it all the way up. "What do you think now?" he asks with a snort.

The farmer gets out his handkerchief, wipes his brow and replies, "It's warm, but have you ever sat on a tractor in the Palouse in the middle of August? Now that's hot."

Angrily, the devil storms over to the thermostat and turns the temperature all the way down. Suddenly, everything is freezing, with long icicles hanging from the ceiling.

"Well what do you think of that!" roars the devil.

All the farmer can do is giggle. "What's so funny?" asks the devil. The farmer can't answer because he's on his hands and knees laughing with delight. "I said, what's so funny!" the devil roars.

Finally the farmer gets up, wipes the tears of joy from his eyes and replies, "Looks like the Cougars are going to the Rose Bowl!"
During an off-day in the Cougs practice preparation for the Rose Bowl, one of their quarterbacks thought he would take advantage of the break in southern California and visit one of America's biggest theme parks.

As he neared the park in his rental car, he noticed a big sign ahead on the highway.

"DISNEYLAND LEFT," it read.

With that, he sighed, turned around and headed back to the hotel.
So, a guy walks into a bar laughing his butt off. He goes up to the bartender and says: "I've got the greatest joke about those dumbasses over at WSU"

The bartender says to him: "I've watched every WSU game since I was ten years old. The two bouncers went to WSU, and those four guys in the corner are WSU's Defensive Line. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

"Hell no, I don't have time to explain it seven times."
A pretty blonde woman from the U of W is driving down a country road near Pullman in her new sports car when something goes wrong with the car and it breaks down. Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she says to him, "Oh, it's Sunday night and my car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help?

"Well," drawls the farmer, "you can stay here, but I don't want you messin' with my sons Jed and Luke, they are studying for their finals over at WSU. She looks through the screen door and sees two young men standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be in the early twenties.

"Okay," she says.

After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to think about the two Cougs in the room next to her. They are not too bright it seems, but they are so handsome. So she quietly goes into their room and says, "Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?"

They say, "Huh?"

She says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers." She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long.

Four years later Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch,rocking back and forth. Thinking about their day off from the new McDonald's in Colfax.

Jed says, "Luke?"

Luke says, "Yeah, Jed?"

Jed says, "You remember that blond woman that came by here about four years ago and showed us the ways of the world?"

"Yeah," says Luke, "I remember."

"Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks Jed.

"Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not."

"Me, neither," says Jed, "Let's take these things off."
Seems that a Coug was driving West from Pullman at the same time a Husky was driving East from Seattle and they happened to meet head-on in a horrible crash on top of Snoqualmie Pass.

Miraculously, both climbed out of the steaming wreckage...their bodies intact. They examined the twisted metal and realized that they were truly lucky to be alive.

The Coug said, "This must be a sign from God that we should end the bitter rivalry that we have had since the beginning of time." The Husky agreed...he went to his trunk and pulled out an unbroken bottle of whiskey. "This is truly remarkable," he said, "God must want us to toast our new-found friendship."

He twisted the cap off and handed the bottle to the Coug, who took several big swigs, wiped his chin and handed the bottle back. The Husky replaced the cap, and without a word, put the bottle back into his trunk.

"Aren't you going to celebrate our luck?" asked the Coug.

"Nah, I think I'll just wait for the troopers to get here."
A Husky fan, a Coug fan, and a Ducks fan were driving to the Rose Bowl together when their car broke down. They walked down the road to a farmhouse and inquired if they could spend the night.

The farmer said, "sure, but one of you will have to sleep in the barn as there is not enough room in the house."

The Husky fan said, "I'll do it."

A little while later there was a knock on the door, it was the Husky fan. He said, "I'm allergic to chickens and there are chickens in the barn." So the Ducks fan left to stay in the barn.

A little while later there was again a knock on the door, it was the Ducks fan. He said, "I'm allergic to pigs and there are pigs in the barn." So the Cougs fan left to stay in the barn.

A little while later there was again a knock on the door, it was the chickens and the pigs!
A ventriloquist from Seattle walked into a bar just off the Washington State University campus and asked the manager if he could do a little performance. The manager thought no harm could be done and agreed.

The ventriloquist grabbed a stool, sat down and began telling jokes about the WSU football team. Suddenly, a huge man wearing a Cougar T-shirt walked over and said, "Listen buddy, I don't know who you think you are, telling all these jokes about our football team. I for one will not put up with it!"

The ventriloquist quickly apologized and said he would leave. The large man exclaimed "I'm not talking to you! I'm talking to that little man sitting on your lap!"
911 Operator: "911, what's your emergency?"

Coug: "My wife has been mauled by our pit bull! Please send an ambulance quickly!"

911 Operator: "What's your address, sir?"

Coug: "573 Eucalyptus Drive."

911 Operator: "Please spell that street for me, sir."

There was a moment of silence.

Coug: "I'll drag her down to Oak Street and you can pick her up there."
Two students from UW and one from WSU are all on death row awaiting execution by electric chair. The first UW student is strapped to the chair and is asked, "Do you have anything you want to say before we throw the switch?" And he says, "Yes sir, I just want to say I'm an innocent man." The warden chuckles a bit to himself then nods to the man at the switch. The switch is thrown and . . . absolutely nothing happens. The warden is amazed. "Son, the Lord seems to have given you a second chance. Maybe you really ARE innocent. We're gonna let you go free."

The second UW student is then strapped to the chair. The warden says, "All right, have you got anything to say?" The student says, "Yes sir. I admit that I did kill that feller, but it was all in self defense. I never did it in cold blood." The warden chuckles and nods to the man at the switch, who throws it and . . . absolutely nothing happens. "Well I'll be damned," says the warden, "you must be tellin' the truth too! Let 'em go, boys!" And they unstrap him and set him free.

Finally they bring the WSU student to the chair and strap him in. The warden says, "Now, do YOU have anything to say?" And the WSU student says, "Sure! If you switched that red wire with that green wire over there, this thing might work!"
Best Movies in Pullman
10. John Wayne Bobbit Uncut
9. The Beverly Hillbillies
8. Dumb and Dumber
7. Forrest Gump
6. Hee Haw-the Movie
5. Children of the Corn series
4. Deliverance
3. Nell
2. Stone Cold
1. Babe-the X-rated version

Favorite Clothes to Wear in Pullman 
10.Overalls
9. Jean jacket with wooly inside
8. Long underwear
7. A straw hat
6. Chew-stained tank tops
5. Genuine pigskin belts
4. Grandmother's 1881 jeans
3. Mom's woven blanket
2. Tight-ass acid-wash jeans
1. Nothing

Classes to take at Wazzu
10. Subtraction 99 (addition's really tricky)
9. Synchronized underwater basket weaving 101
8. Cow Milking 101
7. American Lit. 444: Critical Anaysis from Dr. Seuss 
to Curious George
6. TV 100: What Happened to "Hee Haw"
5. Keg Tapping 1091: Traditional tapping techniques 
and styles
4. Pysch 201: Intro to Animal Sexuality
3. Disability 1210: (If you're enrolled in this class, 
your IQ is below 20)
2. Careers 101: How to prepare yourself for 
fast-food restaurants
1. Power Tools 01: How to operate a hammer

Things to do in Pullman (on campus)
10. Do your wash on the front porch
9. Get a beer and then get a beer
8. Go to THE grocery store
7. Put gas in your combine
6. Naked Sheep Twister
5. Cow tipping
4. Do it in a bag and light it on fire on your 
neighbor's porch 
(don't forget to knock)
3. Major in hotel Management
2. Try to get a date with benched QB Chad Davis
1. Play Cougopoly - limited real estate prospects, 
but plenty of free parking spaces

WASHINGTON STATE ENTRANCE EXAM - FOOTBALL PLAYER VERSION
Time Limit: 3 WEEKS

1. What language is spoken in France?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions. -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to...
(a) build a bridge
(b) sail the ocean
(c) lead an army
(d) write a play

4. What religion is the Pope?(check only ONE)
(a) Jewish
(b) Catholic
(c) Hindu
(d) Polish
(e) Agnostic

5. Metric conversion. How many feet in 0.0 meters?

6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?

7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)

8. What are people in America's far north called?
(a) Westerners
(b) Southerners
(c) Northerners
(d) Canadians

9. Spell President Clinton's last name.

10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.

11. Where does rain come from?
(a) Macy's
(b) a 7-11
(c) Canada
(d) the sky

12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
(a) yes
(b) no

13. What are coat hangers used for?

14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for WHAT country?

15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in BIG BLOCK LETTERS.

16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?

17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
(a) New York
(b) Florida
(c) Canada
(d) Wisconsin

18. Advanced math. If you have three apples, how many apples do you have?

19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?

20. The Washington State tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
(a) B.C.
(b) A.D.
(c) still waiting

Helpful life long skills checklist presented to each graduating senior at the WSU Commencement Ceremony:

1. If you're bidding on a job for UPS, don't send your bid by FedEx.
2. If your computer says, "Printer out of Paper," this problem cannot be resolved by continuously clicking the "OK" button.
3. If you want your refrigerator's ice maker to work, you need to hook it to a water source. Air doesn't make good ice unless it is mixed with water.
4. No matter how much data you add to your laptop, it will not get heavier.
5. A bad place to store your emergency backup diskette is on the underside of your desk drawer, secured by a large magnet.
6. It's okay to use the Polaroid Land Camera on a boat.
7. When the PC says, "Insert diskette #2," don't do it immediately. Remove disk #1 first, even if you're sure you can make them both fit in there.
8. When your PC says "You have mail," don't go to the company mail room and look for a package.
9. The French version of Netscape Navigator doesn't translate English language web pages into French.
10. If you're in the armed services, and it's April 1st, and you get an E-Mail message to call Colonel Sanders for new orders, don't.
11. If you go to the computer store to buy a mouse pad, you don't have to specify whether it's for Windows or Mac.


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