<b>IN THIS ISSUE:</b><ul> <li>Rick Neuheisel ousted as Husky head man<br> <li>Keith Gilbertson named as manager<br> <li>Manager? We explain<br> <li>Ms. Hedges still on the job<br> <li>Special feature that Duck fans will hate</ul>

Neuheisel Era Closes in Controversy
Race Bannon

Duckfighter Illustrated was proud to be among the first to offer our vote of confidence last season to Rick Neuheisel as the Dawgs struggled to reach a .500 record. We now know that the dreaded vote of confidence remains the kiss of death. In addition, we extend a great big vote of confidence to Ms. Hedges for the wonderful job she has done with the Husky athletic program especially if you are a softball fan. Just look at that powerhouse that plays right next to the lake!

We are saddened by the way the "palace coup" was brought about. We are disgusted at the piling on done by local media hacks. Hey, if this magazine calls you a hack, you are in serious need of a new career. We are disappointed in Rick for his large contributions to his current state. And we remain editorially convinced that this whole affair smells fishier than the Pike Place Market during a heat wave. Yes, that analogy was as bad as any that Steve Kelley fills each and every column with, but . . . (Note to the legal staff – how much do I have to pay to rag on Steve Kelley?)

We thank Rick for his good deeds and big wins, wish him the best in the future, and counsel him to invest the millions he will be taking as a parting gift from Ms. Hedges wisely.

- We scold Rick for being just a little too fast for his own good.

- We commiserate with Rick over losing his career by the obsession of a neighborhood snitch.

- We laugh at the notion that a neighborhood pool is a threat to the integrity of the game.

- We scoff at the various NCAA functionaries and their sliding scale of unwritten rules.

- We shake our head in disbelief at strange events surrounding the terrmination of the coach of the Northwest Champs.

- We look with tilted eye at the Husky legends piling on.

- We remain skeptical that any man can succeed here that isn't named Don James.

However, enough about us.

"Coach" Neuheisel was ash-canned at one of the most legendary press conferences ever held. From the "greatest compliance office in the country," to the compliance chief who explained why the compliance office didn't know the rules that one is to comply with, it was a strange day.

This was in regards to the famous memo that stated that it was OK to participate in off-campus pools on the NCAA tourney. The compliance person was not aware of the NCAA codicil that strictly prohibited coaches named Rick Neuheisel from jumping in the pool.

He is, however, allowed to jump in the lake.

However the memo didn't contain the UW provision that coaches who go 7-6 and interview with the 49ers are not allowed in any pools. The memo, now known as the "3.5 million-dollar mistake by the lake", is expected to be Exhibit A in the exit strategy of the Neuheisel legal team.

Myles Brand, Supreme Dictator of the NCAA, wasn't so keen on our coach, although Barbara Hedges gave him credit for his "forthright" behavior when the Feds sprung the gambling rap on him unexpectedly. At the termination press conference, Hedges explained that one reason for the dismissal was Rick's lying to the Feds when they sprung the gambling rap on him.

Folks, I could not make this stuff up.

There is no chance that Neuheisel will be coaching here again, but then again he remains our undead coach as this goes to press. UW officials are looking for garlic and silver crosses and are staying inside at night.

Gilby is the new man of the moment
Race Bannon

Keith Gilbertson was named as Supervising Manager of the Husky Football Program. The press conference for his storied event was held on front porch of the Graves Annex building in front of several confused reporters and some seagulls fighting over some french fries in the parking lot.


Gilby is a long-time Husky legend, current offensive coordinator, former assistant to Don James, former coach at Cal and Idaho, but not coach of the Huskies. It is that whole 3.5 million-dollar memo thing again.

Gilby is a popular choice amongst the media piranha that are still sated after their feast on "Coach" Neuheisel. Given enough time, Gilby can become a media target as well, but for now he serves as a breath of fresh air.

One note of warning to the new supervisor – if you want to be promoted again, the Montlake motto is, "if you don't know softball, you don't know $*&%." (Sorry for the inside joke.)

Husky fans are also united behind Gilby, as they await news as to whether or not there will be a full-blown coaching search. No pressure at all Keith, just follow Don James' advice on how to be loved as a coach – never lose a game.

Life goes on, time marches on, and several other clichés that would fit here. Ohio State, excuse me, The Ohio State University Buckeyes await in just over two months. Time to get ready and give our full support to our new managing supervisory Manager Supervisor.

However, there will be no vote of confidence from us.
Special feature that Duck fans will hate
In an effort to shift the focus from the Montlake follies to someone else, we introduce our new special columnist, Kelley Stevens, who will share the following with us:

What if the University of Oregon was in Seattle?
Kelley Stevens

Imagine, if you will, that the former Oregon Territory had become one big state, instead of one big state and one minor wasteland. Then imagine with me what it would be like if the University of Oregon was in Seattle, instead of a backwater where no one pays any attention to them. You might see a column like this:

Oregon athletics out of control
Although the University of Oregon faces severe financial problems and has many buildings that are leaking and falling down, they did find time to spend $100 million on a football stadium, as well as paying the coach over a $1 million a year to go 7-6, after the coach went on a nationwide tour looking at other jobs in a thinly-veiled threat to leave if the cash was not forthcoming. While Oregon high school seniors with top grades cannot get in due to cutbacks on admissions, there is still room for convicts and drop outs from other football factories.

At least the players are learning something about free enterprise at the UO. Several enterprising young men made a bundle trading game tickets for free rent to a big-time booster and former state senator. The school itself made extra money by double selling visitors' seats to a game a couple years back. Former Enron CEO Kenneth Lay has been named Dean of the Business School at Eugene, to show the school's commitment to tomorrow's Oregon Business leaders today.

Where is UO President Fronmeyer, you might ask? Cowering in the corner, afraid of the immense power of the boosters, and one booster in particular.

Fronmeyer made the mistake of opposing Phil Knight once and it almost cost him his job. As it turned out, it only cost him his self-respect and the respect of the community. He is unlikely to make that mistake again, so a rogue program continues to spiral out of control.

Fronmeyer made the mistake of allowing students the right to make a political statement of their own. They dared to pull back the curtain on the Mighty Oz, and dared to wonder about the UO's association with a popular shoe manufacturer. The owner of said shoe manufacturer set out to prove that he owns the UO as well. And he succeeded. Donations dried up for both athletics and academics as said owner removed himself from the program in protest. You wouldn't see him around anymore, other than some routine bumps into recruits at the Eugene airport.

The shoe manufacturer was once a sympathetic story of a hard-working man with a great idea. He started out of the back of a station wagon making his shoes for no pay.

He has never wavered from that business model, as he now has children all over the Third World making his shoes for no pay . . .

. . . . We think you get the idea. We do not know about you, but we feel better just having written that. And we thank the Duck fans for their understanding and patience with this example of attack journalism. Give a man of questionable character a keyboard and he can smear anyone or anything. Something we will prove once again this fall as Football Season finally approaches.

Thanks for Reading and hang in there Dawgs – We shall overcome! – Race Top Stories