DUCKFIGHTER ILLUSTRATED

<b>IN THIS ISSUE:</b><ul> <li>Berkeley Brie and Wine Mixer a Success</li> <li>Cougs clinch tie for league title</li> <li>Ducks crush talented Bruins</li> <li>Beavers bash Stanford</li> <li>Boise State rolls big</li> <li>Montana clinches league title</li> <li>PLU knocks off UPS</ul>

Race Bannon is missing and is unavailable to write today's lead story. Witnesses report seeing a black helicopter hovering over the worldwide publishing headquarters of Duckfighter Illustrated shortly before Mr. Bannon turned up missing. We welcome our guest columnist for our guest columnist.

Faculty mixer a big success
I. M. "Red" Green, Poly Sci Professor Emeritus

Dear reader, you have no idea of the abuse I have received over the years on our annual trips to the Bay Area for faculty mixers among representatives of Washington, Cal and Stanford, held in conjunction with a sporting event during the fall.

My pleas that the University of Washington was NOT a football factory would be ignored as the taunts of "outlaw program" and "mercenaries" would ring in my ears long after the wine was finished and the last revolutionary pamphlet was written. I would try and point out the status of our university as one of the finest research institutions around and a beacon of progressive thinking and social justice, but it fell on deaf ears. All the others wanted to talk about were Rose Bowl appearances and a National Title. How could any school that was so successful at football be a serious university?

Well I am here to tell you now that those embarrassing days are over and a big note of gratitude to former President Gerberding for laying the groundwork for this return to a focus on what a University is supposed to be about. Football's role is to make enough money to support more worthy athletic endeavors while staying out of jail and the headlines. Moderate success on the field is appropriate but others must never be made to feel uncomfortable or inferior by us again.

It turns out that Gerberding's hire of a new Athletic Director not only broke new ground for equal rights, it broke new ground for a proper emphasis on sports that put friendly competition ahead of a "win at all costs" mentality. Sure, I got a few friendly jibes about our softball teams struggles to win the World Series, but give Theresa Wilson time to get her own players and she will get the job done!

Soccer for both men and women is quite improved, and I told those Cal Profs that our crew would be gunning for them this spring!

It is nice that the fringe element of backward thinking lovers of violence have chipped in to support this move to more world friendly sports. I guess there is a small place in the world for fascists after all. I'm just kidding boosters, keep that money rolling in! It will be through friendly Olympic Sports competition that we solve the problems in the world, not the militaristic violence of outdated sports that should be dropped. The NCAA is no UN when it comes to football enforcement.

The time to start practicing non-violence and working for justice and peace is in the college years. If we can get other schools to stop hating us because we no longer beat them up in football, there may be hope that we can get the rest of the world to stop hating us as a country because we insist on defending ourselves. The university was a leader in not defending themselves, and I can see no harm with that approach.

We now have a wonderful tapestry of diversity where former down trodden, differently able schools when it came to winning, who were oppressed by the factory like "excellence" of oppressor class major schools can now enjoy the thrill of victory. However, not too much now, or we'll be calling you mercenaries!

Overall, it was great weekend marred only by the absence of Lloyd and Chaz, for whom this column was written.

Be a good sport and give your Apple Cup ticket to a Cougar fan, so they can enjoy the thrill of victory at Husky Stadium. Put fairness ahead of your selfish need for winning and you will be a better person for it!
Cougs clinch share of title, destruction of Dawgs next
Rob Bobertson, college football expert

The WSU Cougars wrapped up another successful season with a second straight co-championship of the Pac 10 and topped it off by breaking the Apple Cup jinx this coming Saturday at the Husky Softball Complex.

Three straight 10-win seasons are in the books for the pride of the Northwest, after the Cougs slapped around the outmanned ASU Sun Devils at half empty Martin Vandal Stadium.

Once again, the aggressive and fast Cougar defense led the way by turning turnovers into points. This was the key match up in the Apple Cup as well due to the Husky offense being designed to give up turnovers and points. A match made in heaven for long suffering Cougar fans.

Payback for 51-3 is sweet. You can reach me in Pasadena, losers!
Bellotti saves Ducks season
Mallard N. Moore

According to a former player, Bellotti is in the savior business, so it comes as no surprise that he has saved the Duck's season after they were in danger of imploding after yet another mysterious blow out loss to an inferior Husky team.

The UCLA Bruins offered no resistance as the Ducks took a three-touchdown lead just 90 seconds into the game.

The Ducks now welcome the Beavers to newly remodeled Autzen Arena to settle third place in the Northwest Cup standings.

The Bruins are considering reuniting the Rose Bowl winning duo of Karl Dorrell and Rick Neuheisel. Or was that Tom Ramsey?
Trojans shock talented Arizona
Troy "Cubby" Wadsworth III

With Arizona's advantage of an interim coach and with the advantage of 69 scholarship athletes instead of 85, and at rabid Arizona Stadium, the odds were stacked against USC. But the Trojans found a way to survive the heavily favored and extremely talented Wildcats, leaving town with a 45-0 nail biter under their belts.

Experts were stunned by the result, and blamed the Arizona players for not being good enough. Pete Carroll was relieved to leave town with his Sugar Bowl dreams alive.

Quick Picks:

Washington will be playing for the Northwest Championship and that should give them the motivational edge over the WSU squad that has only the Rose Bowl to play for. The Husky players will once again be laying it on the line for all those who have said all year that they aren't good enough to be Huskies. It is a dream match up and a do not miss game, as the scrappy underDawgs will rise up and smite their richer neighbors who have an improper focus on winning football games. This one is for the players, who Race Bannon still believes in, where ever he may be. Go Players!

UW 24 - WSU 18

Oregon State has owned the state in recent years and hopes to cement the claim with a rare win at Autzen Arena. Oregon will be playing with a messianic fervor for their embattled coach. Go with the home field in this rival game known as The Civil War brought to you by the Beavermobile.

Oregon 12 - OSU 7

USC will make short work of the stumbling UCLA Bruins in the LA Championship. The Trojans showed no mercy. And why should they? They are the Trojans. It is the Trojan's world and we are all just visiting. I have no other explanation.

USC 48 - UCLA 10
Around the World: The Oly Bears romped into round two with a 47-7 play off win...Rainier Beach was eliminated...experts blame Neuheisel...this just in – Cal 54-UW-7...no word on what happened...Michigan will host Ohio State...Trojans say – Go Blue!...FSU wrapped up the ACC...Mack Brown rolled the dice and came up big...Brown switched QBs with a minute to play 90 yards from the winning score...and won...K State won in Lincoln for the first time since 1968...a lot of thirty year worsts and all time worsts going around on Saturday...Wear a throw back jersey to the Apple Cup to celebrate our turn back the clock season..

Thanks for reading, as always, and give those seniors the love, they are Huskies! – Race

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