<b>IN THIS ISSUE:</b><ul> <li>Trojans claim National Championship<br> <li>Beavers rout New Mexico<br> <li>Cal stuns Virginia Tech<br> <li>Cougs stun Longhorns<br> <li>Bellotti stuns himself<br> <li>Bruins? Anybody seen the Bruins?</ul>

Trojans take Roses in rout over Michigan
Troy "Cubby" Wadsworth III

The Southern Cal Trojans won their 85th Rose Bowl and 27th National Championship with a workmanlike dismantling of Lloyd Carr's Wolverines of Michigan, 28-14. The Big Blue turn into a pumpkin whenever they cross west of the Mississippi, but they did manage to avoid their worst Rose Bowl loss ever, which was a 34-14 loss to Washington back when the Huskies used to go to the Rose Bowl and win national championships.

Sophomore sensation Matt Leinart took MVP honors, the first sophomore QB to do so since Mark Brunell in the 1991 game. The speed and power of the Trojans was too much for Michigan on both sides of the ball. 12-year veteran signal caller, John Navarre, ended his UM career playing the role of a statute and the Trojan defense were the pigeons. They dropped all over him from every angle.

This was the first national championship for the Pac 10 since the Washington Huskies in 1991. Fruit basket inspectors are heading to Heritage Hall as we go to press.

Players coach Pete Carroll, run out of the NFL for being too soft, felt vindicated by the results.

"I can't wait to get the kids out to the beach for some volleyball" Carroll explained while wrapping unmarked bills for the final recruiting push. "Maybe some snow boarding and white water rafting, too. We like to have fun here, and nothing is more fun than winning."
The ghost of Chris Webber ruins Sun Bowl for Ducks
Mallard N. Moore, from an undisclosed location

Since when was Dickie V hired as head coach of the Ducks? Get a TO baby! Get a TO baby!

Who was assisting Mike Bellotti, Chris Webber? Webber now has a soul mate in Mike Bellotti, and not just because both get paid hundreds of thousands of dollars to blow college championships. It is because neither has a clue as to when you call a time out and when you don't.

Who did Rick Neuheisel have as a pick and how many points was he giving?

The Oregon Ducks completed a mediocre 2003 campaign with a loss to the Minnesota Gophers at the Sun Bowl, aka the place where Dawgs go to die. The Gophers ran and passed at will against the generous Duck defense, but would have run out of time if not for the benevolent gesture made by Bellotti as he called two time outs allowing the Gophers to re-group and move closer for the winning field goal.

A press black out was issued in Oregon and media outlets were informed of a little known provision of the new campaign finance bill that does not allow criticism of Bellotti when he blows it with boneheaded decision making. Instead, a review of the Huskies 12th man against Michigan was run throughout the state.

Your intrepid reporter will not be silenced and as long as Race keeps taking the hush money and doesn't tell Moos where I am, I will continue to speak out for better coaching.

Duck fans have finally gone round the bend after this latest humiliation. Looking at their 9-11 record since a 6-0 start in 2002, back to back blow out losses to UW, blowouts to ASU and WSU and the loss of the Autzen aura, the inventors of Duck Logic have proclaimed the Ducks as the team to beat in 04!

Who would have thought that losing would bring the miscreants out of the spider holes where they had been hiding since the 42-14 blow out at Autzen? Duck fans are back and the internet will never be the same. At least until the next demolition at Autzen next fall.
Cal, OSU, and Cougs notch minor wins
Unpaid Intern

Mack Brown was too busy recruiting to prepare his disinterested team for yet another Holiday Bowl, and paid the price as the WSU Cougars notched the biggest win in school history, which says a lot right there, don't you think?

There was a near Coog-It event towards the end when the Horns woke up and realized they had fallen behind. However, not even another Kegel interception was enough to gag the victory away for the Cougars. Texas players took to calling the game the Apple Cup, but it was too little and too late.

Oregon State trounced New Mexico to wrap up the best season for an Oregon team. Steven Jackson showed off for the home folks then announced his intention to take a pay cut and turn pro.

The Cal Bears, the best damn six-loss team in America stifled Virginia Tech in a real defensive battle, 52-49 or whatever. Jeff Tedford is busy sifting through job offers while he locks up Bay Area recruiting and puts another nail in Oregon's coffin.

UCLA was rumored to have a bowl game to play but as we went to press there was no evidence that they showed up anywhere.

Finally, in the interest of accurate reporting and to save our many fans from sending nasty emails, it should be pointed out that the University of Washington did not play in a bowl this year for the first time since 1933. As if we would let that stop us from our fair and balanced reporting on our fellow league mates.

Around the World: Several mid western and southern teams played in lucrative bowls before packed houses on national television...the Pac 10 frowns on such an we will not cover them...OU and LSU were set to play for second place as we went to press...there was a heck of a brawl between Houston and Hawaii...Boise State won the mid major title beating TCU...Is there anyone in America under more pressure than Ron Zook? Steve Spurrier is looking for work once again and the Gators just got routed in their second straight bowl under Zook...the UW softball program took a real hit when Barbara Hedges decided to ‘retire' early, but word on the street is that the school has contacted Jeff Cirillo to see if he wants to stay in Seattle to coach....recruiting is next and the Dawgs are loading up a great all about it soon!

Thanks for reading and may the New Year bring you great happiness unless you are a Duck or Cougar! – Race Top Stories