Washington season going according to plan

In order to weed out the weak of heart and silent of throat from their fan base, for the past two seasons the Washington football program may have been involved in a well-planned conspiracy. This information comes according to an impeccable anonymous source inside the program.

In an effort to infuse the program with a new generation of louder, more excitable fans, is the University of Washington going to "any and all lengths" to make and keep games "anxiety-ridden" and "unbearably tense"?

That's how the allegation goes.

This alleged effort has been the product of recent paradoxical seasons, whereas the attendance figures and donations have been the envy of the Pac-10 Conference while the vocal support has sadly waned into a state of lethargy.

"It has been a source of concern, and some two years ago they decided they needed to do something about it," claimed the source, 'Purple Throat,' who wished to remain in the shadows.

"There have been exceptions, like the Miami game last year. And everyone from the broadcasters to the fans has noticed those sleepy lulls in the middle of the game. The action is taking place on the field, but the crowd is responding as if Tiger Woods is preparing to line up a putt."

Purple Throat then shook their head and continued spilling beans.

"I mean, look at the twelve comeback wins in the past two years. Look at the incredulous comebacks last year against California and Stanford. Look at the Michigan game this year. All of them to the final minute, fraught with anxiety, and teeming with disaster. There is only so much that anyone can take, let alone the stadium wallflowers."

To plead their case, Purple Throat expounded even further with the 'evidence.'

"Consider the Arizona game this year. The Wildcats are giving up, what . . . 59 points a game? And we have to come from behind, score a touchdown with 13 seconds left to play, in order to win that game?"

At this point Purple closes their door and then gives a mock perplexed look.

"Or take the Arizona State game. C'mon now, we are ahead 17-0 and moving the ball at will. Isn't it something that suddenly it's the fourth quarter, and . . . what do you know? We are losing again. Then we come back to win. Over and over again. I am telling you, I have heard the talk around the offices here and it's interesting. This is all going according to The Plan."


A Tyee fan, also wishing to remain off the record, mysteriously came forward to give me their side of things. The long-time Husky booster and donor, (whom we'll call "Hal") has been attending games since the Teddy Roosevelt Administration.

"If you think for one minute that Washington football would be where it is today without our donor support, you've got another thing coming" stated Hal.

"It is our money that buys and restores weight rooms, training complexes, and builds indoor practice facilities. It is idiots like you that jump up and scream every time someone on the field farts. You block the view and you ruin the game for the rest of us in the stands. The rest of us who want to sit and simply take it all in and enjoy it."

I tried to reason with Hal that although fans can be very loud and talkative, most try to be very respectful of those around them.

Hal doesn't respond but rather proceeds to hold up his hands and slowly turn them, showing me the fronts and then the backs.

"I played baseball for the old Seattle Rainiers. I was a catcher. These hands of mine are gnarled. They have paid their dues. If I want to sit on them during games, that is my business, and I am not going to appease the likes of you."

If you run Patrick Thrapp's By the Numbers program that he uses to compute averages for the Huskies and their opponents, the numbers bear out that if the non-stop hand-wringing during close games continues over the next two seasons, there is an 83% probability that a full 6% of the fan base will turn their tickets over to louder, more enthusiastic followers. This in turn, would raise the average Husky Stadium decibel level an estimated 21%, thereby increasing the noise that is currently at the level of a noisy air conditioner all the way to AC/DC concert status.

The Plan? Maybe. Maybe not. I tried to ask Hal about any 'plan' and he threw a baseball at me as I was ducking out of the way. That old catcher still has an arm. Ichiro would've beaten his throw by a mile but Edgar and John Olerud, well . . . it would've been close.

No representatives from the University wanted to go on record and respond to these allegations. However, with the recent distribution of those plastic banging noisemakers, there are outward signs of an internal administrative desire to return Washington to the proud ranks of the nation's audible elite.

The rumor that Rick Neuheisel's contract as a "noise clause" was dispelled, for the record, but still…..what happens if Washington erases a 17-point first half deficit to Stanford on Saturday and wins on John Anderson's THIRD game-winning field goal in five weeks?

We'll probably never know and if we're 7-1 after Saturday, we'll probably not care.
This piece of fiction was written by Derek Johnson, who can be reached at djohnson@dawgman.com.

Dawgman.com Top Stories