DUCKFIGHTER ILLUSTRATED

<b>In This Week's Issue:</b> <ul> <li>Yet Another Genius Strikes Out Against Dawgs </li> <li>Ducks Crush Devils, Assume Front Runner Status </li> <li>Cougars Back In Title Hunt, Price Elected County Commissioner</li> </ul>



  • A note from the Publisher:

    We would like to welcome back to these pages, a long time contributor to Duckfighter Illustrated. Mallard N. Moore is a graduate of the University of Oregon School of Journalism, with a Doctorate in Physical Education. Mallard brings a fresh perspective, and a willingness to work for free, that we find invaluable. Mr. Moore has just returned from a fact-finding mission to Viet Nam, where he wrote the award winning article, "Why Phil Knight Is God, and The World Is His Footstool."

    Ducks Crush ASU Much Worse Than The Huskies Did

    Mallard N. Moore

    Buoyed by the return of Phil Knight and his 30 million dollars, the Fighting Ninjas of the Willamette Valley took the field to face the ASU Sun Devils, led by the traitorous Dirk Koetter, former valet to Mike Bellotti on the UO staff.

    The Ducks knew going in that they had to win by more than 3 points, or face the taunts of the arrogant Husky fans who just won't admit that they have been passed by the Fighting Ducks. It looked bleak for a moment, as Jeff Krohn and Delvon Flowers teamed up for 7 points on the Devils opening drive. Fortunately, the wobbly Krohn was unable to continue, as he had been the victim of several cheap shots by Husky thugs the week before.

    Joey Harrington leapt back past Onterrio Smith in the heated Heisman race, as Captain Comeback skillfully and coolly led the Ducks back from that 7-point deficit. Everything the Ducks tried worked to perfection as the magnificent offensive machine, backed up by the fearsome defense, slaughtered the hapless ASU squad, who only one week before had taken the Huskies down to the wire.

    Mike Bellotti showed some admirable compassion for his former serf, as he only kept the first string in until there were 20 seconds left in the game. Bellotti explained that ASU had shown great comeback ability, and he didn't want the Ducks embarrassed the same way the Huskies had been the week before.

    The Ducks now control the race, with only a couple of laughers left against the battered Bruins and the criminals from Corvallis who will pay an awesome price for destroying the dreams of Duck fans around the world, and sending the Huskies to the Rose Bowl. Fortunately, the Ducks did end up with a better opponent in the more prestigious Holiday Bowl, but revenge is still the watchword of the moment.
    Cougs Bounce Back


    The short handed Bruins got their clawless paws caught in the Cougars trap last Saturday, as the Cougars beat their first top 10 team at home since the Jefferson Administration.

    This time Mike Price's brilliant 11-man front attack defense worked to perfection, as Cory Paus had no one to throw to, literally. DeShaun Foster, who seems to be disappearing faster than Vince Foster, continued to struggle against defenses not wearing purple. The Cougars are off to their best start since the classy Ryan Leaf led them to the Rose Bowl.

    Next up is a trip to the desert against a Sun Devil team that should be no problem for the hungry Cougs, already looking ahead to the Apple Cup.
    Ty now 0 for 3, Genius Label Showing Loose Threads


    The undervalued, and under estimated Rick Neuheisel moved his record to 3-0 against the latest in a long line of Stanford geniuses to coach the Card squad. The SAT boys didn't show a lot of smarts in some key areas of the game, allowing the Lucky Dawgs to escape once again with a victory they didn't deserve.

    Of course, Stanford was a mere shell of the team that broke the legendary Autzen winning streak, as they were forced to go with Chris Lewis at QB, instead of Randy Fasani, who started the Oregon game. Kerry Carter came up lame with a bum shoulder, thanks to the rugged and improving Husky defense. Several Alums commented after the game that perhaps Hundley shouldn't be fired on the spot, but maybe let go gently after the season.

    Cody Pickett will remind you a couple times a game that he is just a sophomore, but in the 4th quarter, you would swear you were watching another famous # 3 leading the team on a winning drive, fella name of Joe Montana. Paul Arnold, Pat Reddick, Reggie Reggie Reggie, Todd Elstrom, and the gang of receivers continue to burn Pac 10 secondaries the way the US Air Force burned Dresden.

    The team is really coming together at the right time, as they face a rugged stretch in the race for second behind the Ducks.
    THIS WEEKS GAMES


    Raise The Stakes Saturday

  • Oregon at UCLA - Sweet revenge is at hand for Nick Alliotti, as he prepares the fierce Duck defense to shut out the suddenly offense less Bruins. Alliotti was one of the first Bob Toledo scapegoats to be let go after his Bruin defense barely managed to keep the opponents under 50 points per game. With Perry and Poli Dixon hurt, the Ducks can use the Ninja Swarm to corral Akil Harris and hold him to about 250 yards less than DeShaun Foster got against the Huskies.

    Coach Bellotti plans to take the team to the Rose Bowl early, and talk about how they will be back there on January 3rd, playing for the National Championship.

    Prediction: UO 48, UCLA 0

  • WSU at ASU - With no sign of Mitchell "Fright Night" Friedman to cause the game losing fumble, the Cougs hope to redeem themselves for the 1997 teams stumble in the desert. If the Huskies and Ducks can beat these guys, it should be no problem at all for the top ranked Cougs.

    Others may point out that if Onterrio Smith can go for 285, then Delvon Flowers has a chance to match his output against the Beavers, against the Cougars. Look for Guesser to outscore Krohn, but for the Desert Flower to take the bloom off the Cougar rose.

    Prediction: ASU 38, WSU 35

  • UW at OSU - The Huskies are primed for their shot at America's number one team, the Oregon State Beavers. Coach Rick Neuheisel will talk of nothing else but Beaver, something that caused a minor stir in a classroom lecture last summer. The Huskies are focused on the task at hand, finishing second behind Oregon. The Head Husky points out that the last trip to Reser saw the Beavers outscore the Huskies 21-2 in the second half.

    Beaver coach Jack Daniels has vowed to end the near 30-year victory drought in Corvallis, if he can just find his car keys. Expect a full house of rowdy thugs, intent on throwing and spitting anything they can get their hands on at the Husky players and fans. Oh wait, it's at Reser, not Autzen.

    Prediction: UW 21, OSU 20
    BREAKING NEWS: DeShaun Foster Ruled Ineligible



    DeShaun Foster, has "Great Wheels" (Allsport)
    LA Times To Launch Investigation

    Star running back and Heisman frontrunner, DeShaun Foster was ruled ineligible for the upcoming game with Oregon. Foster is alleged to have received the use of a Ford Explorer, which violates the UCLA code, requiring players to drive Suburbans, or Cadillac Escalades.

    Associate AD Johan "Sergeant" Schultz commented for UCLA, "I saw nothing, I heard nothing, and I know nothing."

    There is still no word on whether the car came equipped with a Handicap Parking Permit.

    The Editor of the Los Angeles Times, Troy "Cubbie" Wadsworth III, announced a far-reaching investigation in response to the news about Foster.

    "We intend to leave no stone unturned as we look into the summer jobs program of the Washington Huskies", explained Wadsworth. "With the increased likelihood of back to back championships, the fall of the Trojans, and now this Bruin collapse, it is more important than ever to deflect the attention to the Husky program"

  • Reaction Around The Country

    - Mike Bellotti: "It looks like the Bruins luck finally ran out"

    - Al Sharpton: "The coach is a millionaire, the AD lives in Bel Aire, but the field hands still have to ride a mule"

    - Barbara Hedges: "We're thrilled to be 8-0 now, but we regret the circumstances under which it happened."

    - Chris Berman: "No one, and I mean no one, circles the wagons like the wounded Bruins"
    DF EXTRA: Oregon Tiebreaker May Come Into Play

    Modeled after the Kansas tiebreaker, used for overtime games, the Pac-10 announced that the last tie breaker for bowl position, based on who had failed for the most years to get to Pasadena, would go to Oregon if they tie with anyone other than Cal, OSU, or Arizona. Duck fans are so thrilled with the news, that Tom Hanson has officially named it the OREGON TIEBREAKER.

    Thanks to all our readers!
    Race "Duckfighter" Bannon can be reached at duckfighter@dawgman.com when he's not busy getting Jonny Quest to quit hazing Hadji. Yes, "Jonny" is spelled without an "h".

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