The ongoing misadventures of Officer Lee Groinman

This is Officer Lee Groinman. That's right . . . Seattle's Toughest Cop. Somebody once told me - yeah sure, she was a fire-headed redhead - that buildin' a home was the most stressful thing that ya' can do in life, more stress there than getting divorced. Buildin' your own home tops the stressed-out list, you can lose your job, lose your dog, or even lose your wallet…car keys, marbles…whatever…but nothing tops the building your own home type stress!

Enduring a Husky football fourth quarter did not make the list but it has certainly moved up the ladder. I've had to equip the driver's seat of the paddy wagon with restraints so I don't pull me seatbelt off with my teeth. Those bio-feedback lessons Dr. Janey gave me in anger management therapy don't do beans for Husky games. Nope. All they do is make Groinman nauseous and want to take my "little buddy" out for some law enforcing. That's right, you remember Groinman's little buddy, don't you? 22-inches of finely laser-honed polished Tennessee hickory at my side. Haven't used him since I worked security for Barry Manilow and some long haired kept chanting "MANDY! MANDY! MANDY!" so loud that ol' Barry couldn't hear his own piano. Then there was that time at the Neil Diamond show when a freak kept asking Neil if he'd change his comb-over into a mullet and sing, "SWEET CAROLINE" with Slash accompanying him on guitar.

Wasn't gonna happen on Groinman's watch. No sir. Haven't been asked to work security for any of the biggies in a while though. I'm hopin' that Anne Murray will give me a call when her "forever young, forever Canadian" tour hits the road, but we'll see.

But I digress. So why would any fool build a home? There are homes for sale everywhere, but build your own? Nobody but cousin LeRoy would be such a fool.

Now LeRoy helped me build my shack in the hills, so I owes him some labor and all, but Groinman here was born with the good sense to build a place in the non-football season. Cousin LeRoy was born with the sense of a jackass. Why, if I didn't know any better… I'd think that LeRoy came from the wife's side of the family.

Speakin' of donkeys, to even get to LeRoy's casa you must be part pack-mule to even find the place - a trip to John Madden's hardware store can take ‘till lunch. Then there's the fact that cousin LeRoy has spent the bulk of his life in the beer and wine business.

"Here Lee, before you get up in that ladder there, why not knock back one of these? Oh, that power drill just may have a short in it."

Nice, cousin LeRoy. Very nice.

They say that a typical house will take a good 100 days to complete, once ya get the hang of it and all. But there's nuthin' typical about LeRoy.

So this has been how I've spent my free time during this whacked-out football season - days off with cousin LeRoy, Holy Crapes! So far I've taken a power-post to the face, a snap-tie to the knee, and a grinder to the groin area.

This does not include the countless hammer-heads to fingers…

This just grinds my beans!

Comin' home from LeRoy's just a little while back, comin' back across the high hills, the radio picked up an ‘ol favorite - Jimi Hendrix and Buddy Miles, doin' "Them changes." Coincidence? Maybe…but, I don't believe in that coincidence nonsense.

So I took action. Groinman here, decided right then and there to make some changes - yup, 25 years of tobacco use . . . GONE FOREVER!! Over 50 days now!!

If I can just last a few more FOURTH quarters, and one LeRoy!! Do cigars count? Oh please . . . well, how I do digress.

Omens yes, coincidence no.

So here it is . . . the Apple Cup. The other day, my buddy Deputy Mikey gives me a call.

"Listen Lee, ya' know we've got a little problem - I can't make the Apple Cup. Now listen, just this once before ya' go off. My brother Dave has really helped me out a lot here lately. Not that you haven't Lee, but ya' know, Dave, my brother, well it's kinda' like he's been like a brother to me. I'm gonna give Dave my Apple Cup ticket."

"Lee, you there? Lee, to me, my brother Dave, well it's the same situation as your cousin LeRoy. We're helping' each other out, ya' know, just a little favor."


Groinman would've probably been alright with this development except for one thing - Dave's a COUGAR!

GROINMAN has to sit next to a COUGAR at the APPLE CUP!!

Lord have MERCY!!

The fourth quarter, 50 days of nicotine-free living, the stress . . . Oh, the HUMANITY!!

Mikey continues. "Just one more thing Lee, my bro Dave, wants to know if you can swing by his place and give him a lift to the game…he'll bring his own Pepsi!"

Folks. Listen up. Groinman cannot be held responsible for a COUGAR in the TYEE SECTION!

Now let's go get some COUGAR and put it on the MANTEL! DO YOU HEAR ME!!

Groinman's tip of the week: Cougar Dave never gives points, always wants points – a true Coug. Doesn't really matter, tradition will always be tradition.

Tradition has a way of always being kinda' traditional. It's the Apple Cup, a Coug wants points, and we're cookin' up Groinman's Dawg Breath Chili! Hazardous to any Coug's health.

But both Dave, and Lee here, above all else, are proud to be Americans!

May God Bless America, and GO DAWGS!!! Top Stories