Miami Vice? You bet!

This is Officer Lee Groinman….That's Right Dawg fans, Seattle's Most Thankful Cop. Due to circumstances outside of my own personal control, I was forced to spend last Saturday's Apple Cup seated next to, not Deputy Mikey, but his bro' Dave - that's Dave as in "Coug" Dave.

Mikey was so thankful to his bro' Dave, for services "beyond the call of duty," that he arranged ground transportation as well as a game ticket to that annual "family feud" known as the "Apple Cup!"

Groinman here, would deliver that game ticket, as well as provide the "ground transportation."

"Listen Dave," I says when making the ticket exchange…"We can survive this, just don't go makin' a spectacle of yourself, and keep your damn mouth shut durin' that last and final fourth quarter!!

"Lee, for this ticket, and a chance to ride with you, in your cruiser to an Apple Cup game… why I'd come dressed as ET."

Dave has missed some recent movies as well as a few Pac 10 games…

"Just be ready and waitin' in your driveway by sunup "Coug" Dave, or I'll be leavin' you in my dust!!"

So along about sunup, I'm waitin' in "Coug" Dave's driveway…much like a stake out, ‘cept the prey is lyin' in wait…


We got crimson pants, with a gray coug sweatshirt, we got a Coug "starter" coat!! Hell we got Coug sunglasses, and if this don't beat all, Dave's wearin' one crimson, and one gray cowboy boot!!

So much for not makin' a spectacle of oneself!

Now as we approach our seats, the folks there in row R thought that Mikey had lost his mind. "What the Hell is this?" Shouted Ray, the guy seated on my right. "Halloween is over you buffoon!!" Yelled Frank, seated to the left. Seems they've mistaken Mikey for Dave, reasonable, they both have the same mustache, and bein' they're brothers and all.

"I am not responsible" I yells from my awkward position.

"So this is Mikey's older brother Dave? Why is it that the older brother is the dumbest?"

Forgiven, but not forgotten…

Well it did my heart good to see all those "Coug" colors get up and leave there in the last few minutes of the Fourth quarter - never knew it could be so much fun to be sitting next to a "Coug" billboard at such a time.

As with most things, the good feelin' would just not last. I woke up on Sunday morning' with the damndest cold and flu. Just perfect!! I'm headin' out for the Miami game, my first road trip of the year, and I'm feelin' like pukin' out the ghost . . .

Desperate times call for desperate measures. There exists this place, a seedy little place, just south of Pioneer Square, it's in the Georgetown District, in a little back alley, down a narrow flight of stairs. The second digit of the address is missin' off the door, the light above that door burned out in 1933, and it will not be replaced. A tattered sign reads, "Open 3 pm till closing."

It's known what goes on here, vice, and plenty of it. Why if you're lookin' for a place to grow old, broke or dead…you've found it!

Now the SPD has never made a run at this place, can't say for sure exactly why, maybe they're too quiet, never make waves, maybe it's more sinister than that - maybe.

Word is that Rico and Fetters are preferred customers, on moonless nights when the Huskies are double-digit under-dawgs.

It's been rumored by some of the fella's down at the shop, that this place has a new business venture, a new-age type crap, aromaticular therapy or some such balderdash - some say these flakes can even cure toe-nail fungus.

Desperate times call for desperate measures. I knock, the door creaks open, voices deep, voices way back from the bowels of the building, voices I cannot ascertain.

"It's Groinman right? Officer Lee?" Asks this bespectacled ol' geezer.

"How would you know?" I snarl back.

"The stairs you rode in on are a 2-way street!" the geezer spits out.

"I'm here for the tour!" I yell as I slam down my little buddy…That's Right… 22 pounds of laser-beam honed, heat-treated, polished black, Tennessee Hickory-stick, right across that appointment ledger! "The TOUR!"

"Why which tour did ya' have in mind Officer?"

"The 19 dollar tour! The WORKS!! Ya' see, I got the sniffles and a bit of the flu and I feel like duck squat."

Well the next thing I knows I'm sittin' in this deep green whirlpool type bath – buck-nekked up to my ear-balls. Some fella named Pomeroy is mixing up solutions and pourin' them into my bath.
,br> "Just keep your hands above the water there, Pomegranate, and we'll be fine."

It's a bit unnerving when you're layin' nekked in a foreign surrounding, surrounded by people who may be foreign. I often feel this way when in Canada.

I can hear the voices . . . the voices behind the wall! They're talking' football!! HUSKY FOOTBALL!! They're talking' points! 25 points! They're makin' BOOK!! Illegal in Seattle!!

And here's ol' Officer Groinman NEKKED up to my ear-balls!!

"My name is Arthur, I will be your masseur…come with me…come with me now . . . "

I was expecting' a guy with hairy knuckles - Bruno Brutowski, or some such.

Well I got a rubdown with oil of oregano ,melaleuca oil, and who knows what else…24 hours later, and I'm cured! I have never felt better, feelin' real good!! Why I felt so good, I decided to call in my markers, make a few phone calls, and dip into the wife's Christmas money.

Area code 775. Reno, Nevada. My Bookie Timmy. Gonna make those odds makers pay!! 25 points!! The disrespect! The PAYBACK!

DOUBLE ALL BETS!! That's right!! 50 BUCKS!!

Oh yes! I'm thankful! Thankful that our turkey dinner doesn't taste like crow . . . Thankful to be an American Dawg Fan!! Thankful to be going to Miami, and to then return home safely.

Those that didn't back in September, you and your families are in all of our prayers. May God Bless you. Top Stories