I Told You So!
By Sonny Burnett (Miami)
Thanks to a little bet I had with the publisher; I get to write the game wrap for this weeks issue. We are getting a little concerned around the magazine about our fearless publisher, but the good folks at Shady Oaks Home say duck fighter will be back on his feet real soon. I mean, how long can you stay comatose drunk?
As I predicted, the Huskies didn't belong on the field with the Vaunted Canes. This one was over before the Husky bus left the luxurious, beachfront hotel at which they stayed. I hope they enjoyed the beach, because they couldn't have enjoyed the humiliation that they received on the field.
Those stupid Dawgs…………ack……ack………help me!!!!!………uuf….BOOM!
Huskies Drop A Heartbreaker
By Race Bannon (Miami)
That story wasn't going anywhere, and I feel no need to honor any bets made by a manic depressive, drunken lout like Duckfighter. Sonny is now sleeping with the one eyed mechanical spiders.
The Washington Huskies dropped a close game to Miami in the rustic Orange Bowl. The dogged Dawgs hung close until an ill-fated pass by Cody Picket with 12 minutes left in the 1st quarter. At that point the superior speed and athleticism of the Canes took over, and Miami held on for a 65-7 squeaker.
We couldn't find any Huskies making excuses for the loss. The fire alarm ringing constantly at the Motel 6 they stayed at wasn't mentioned. And surely no ones believes that the Huskies care enough about the Cougars to have left it all on the field for the Apple Cup. Even though the last time the Huskies played a regular season game after WSU (they lost 46-0), it is too early to call this a trend.
The Huskies were unbeatable at home this year, with three wins over top 15 teams, but they were scared little pups when they came upon trees marked by others. Until this group of Dawgs overcomes the territorial instincts of the Canine species, they won't be a complete team.
We tip our cap to the Canes, the greatest team we've seen since UCLA earlier this year. Hopefully the jinx that hit the Bruins shortly after destroying the Huskies won't strike Miami. Bad things seem to happen to teams that we try to pump up after they kick us around. This writer hopes the Canes close the deal in Pasadena.
We'll dissect the season and rip the coaches in message board armchair quarterbacking fashion in our year-end review issue. Our attempts to reach Dr. Evil of the Tyee Cabal were unsuccessful, as we already used that bit after the OSU game. By the way, Dr. Evil and duck fighter have never been seen in the same room together. Hmmmm.
Civil War Week Starts Amid Controversy
Mallard N. Moore (Eugene)
The Duck team plane returned to Eugene from Tahiti minus Coach Bellotti. The coach took a separate flight, amidst rumors that he was heading to the league office to accuse the Huskies of throwing the Miami game. After Bellotti called old pals, Mike Price, Sonny Lubick, and Gary Barnett, the four of them issued a joint statement, claiming that the word on the street from Huggy Bear's son, Justin Fargas, was that the betting line was a reaction to rumors of a fix.
"Those Huskies knew how much we needed them," cried Bellotti, "and I heard that word came down from ‘Guido' that the UW had better not win this game. Now, it is true that UW got us the Fiesta by beating Stanford and WSU, but the thought of putting us in the Rose Bowl was probably too much for the cabal up there."
When the coach was asked if he had any proof, he directed this reporter to the eDuck message board, and sure enough, there was plenty of talk about this dirty deed.
So now the Ducks are left with the chance to clinch the first 10 win regular season in school history, only one year later than the Beavers. And on the non-sticky turf of Autzen Stadium, it should be no problem at all.
Captain Joey Billboard Heisman Harrington plays his last home game for the Ducks, a moment sure to bring as many tears as last years' ballgame. Look for Joey to roast the young Beaver defense and claim his long awaited revenge. This one has been in the books for three weeks, and the tanned and rested Ducks are ready to take care of business.
In Other News . . .
Miami has long been famous for Little Havana, and now have opened a theme park called Big Autzen. It has all the toothless drunks and reprobates found at a Duck game, only twice as many. And there are no dentists allowed in the park . . . Will it be Colorado again for Neuheisel? That's the Holiday word, although those Longhorns best beware. Rick is 2-0 against his former team, and "stole" both Victor Rodgers and Ty Gregorak from the State of Washington. Rick probably would have liked to have Victor on this years Husky squad . . . The Buffs creamed Nebraska, prompting Duck and Coug fans to swarm the Nebraska message board, taunting them. If luck intervenes, UO will get Nebraska in the Fiesta . . . Early word from Tyee sources say the bowl game is a must win. Therefore the Huskies will stay at the Luxor Regal Ritz Spa and Resort in San Diego - in the parking lot - in tents . . . without blankets.
Farnsworth Phifer, ABC Sports: I predict that we'll switch most of the country to watch Purdue against Notre Dame.
Busta Cap, Beaver Fan: OSU 49, UO 24
Mallard N. Moore: UO 56, OSU 0
Race Bannon: OSU 23, UO 16
Duckfighter: Nope, the Beavs can't do it two in a row, no way , no how. Look for the Ducks to roll and deny the Huskies a piece of the championship belt. All the pressure is on the Beavers, and Bellotti's record of winning championships is much better than Erickson's. The Ducks know how to close the deal, for real. Grace under pressure is the UO motto. UO 42, OSU17
Sonny Burnett: Rest in Peace
That's all folks - you try to be funny during a week like this. Race Bannon can be reached via email at firstname.lastname@example.org when he's not sleeping.