DUCKFIGHTER ILLUSTRATED

<b>IN THIS ISSUE:</b> <li>The most current college football information in America</li> <li>Gil Dobie pessimistic about Sundodgers chances</li> <li>Dee Andros promises Rose Bowl for Beavers</li> <li>Len Casanova apologizes for cheating Ducks</li> <li>Jackie Sherrill takes over ‘The Dynasty'</li>

A note from the Publisher
Duckfighter Illustrated is celebrating its 5th year of worldwide excellence this season. Born in the cesspool that once was "Open Season" at our sister station, eDuck, Duckfighter Illustrated first appeared late in the summer of 1999. We predicted that Rick Neuheisel would lead the Dawgs into the National Championship game against Steve Superior and the Gators. As a bone for our Duck readers, we predicted that the Ducks would take the second seed into the Rose Bowl and break the Kaiser Jinx by finally winning another Rose Bowl when Kenny Wheaton leapt from the stands to intercept the potential game winning pass and returned it for a touchdown.

In those dark days, the cry of ‘5 out of 7' was heard where ever Duck fans congregated, which was mostly at Dawgman.com. Since that time the Huskies have won 3 out of 4 in the most convincing fashion possible. Only a fluke Duck win mars our record. We do not think that this is a coincidence.

We do thank all of our loyal readers for their support and promise to continue to bring you the kind of fact free reporting you have come to rely upon.
What's Eating Gilbert Grape? or
Can Gilby avoid getting eaten by rabid Dawg fans
Race Bannon

It has been three long years since the Washington Huskies last won the Rose Bowl. Restless natives are demanding something a tad bit better than losing to Nevada and Arizona this year. Others point out that Gilby is unbeaten as a head coach since nothing that happened last year was his fault, with the team still under the dastardly spell of Dr. Evil himself, Rick Neuheisel.

Gilbertson spent the off season stocking the cupboard with his type of players, and many of them have qualified to enter the University. The Seattle Mariners did outbid the Huskies for the services of Matt Tui, coming up with an extra million at the last moment to seal the deal.

The 27 concurrent investigations of the Husky athletic program are winding down with an announcement on penalties expected at halftime of the Fresno State opener. In a switch, the Huskies will play Fresno on Sunday September 5th at venerable and still un remodeled Husky Stadium. The game will be nationally televised on Lifetime.

New President Mark Emmert will keep a watchful eye on the progress of the once feared Husky program. New AD Todd ‘Not Ted' Turner will attempt to keep the softball program at its high level.

Isaiah Stanback is our choice to lead the Purple gang back to glory behind his electrifying and Elwayesque abilities. There is far from a consensus among Husky fans on this point, but as usual, I am right, and they are wrong.

The Huskies have a great stable of running backs to ignore as they throw the ball 50 times a game.

Charles Frederick returns to thrill the crowd with his game breaking ability. The lines are green at best, depleted at worst. The future of this season hangs on the ability of the Big Uglies to raise their level of play to the high standards of the great Husky teams of yesteryear.

Gone is the read and react, bend and break defense, replaced by the aggressive attacking style of Phil Snow. Chris Tormey returns to Montlake to lead the linebacker corps and beef up the recruiting. The man who landed Nip Kauffman is a welcome sight along the shores of Lake Washington.

Rick's Montlake Casino is boarded up, no pools have been held since the statute of limitations, Ms. Hedges, is out to pasture, and the old guard Huskies claim that Gilby is the Man to restore the roar at Montlake.

We intend to be fair and balanced in our treatment of the coach as we all watch together to see if the Dawgs will be 3-8 or 8-3. Will they play as a team and play hard for 60 minutes? Will the coaches have a plan and execute it? Expectations are low this year, a telling sign for a once proud program.

We ask for patience. Just until halftime of the Fresno game. Then rip away baby!
Cheating Ducks Keep House Dirty
Race Bannon

(Mallard N. Moore is on suspension for taking secret documents from the Duckfighter Illustrated archives and passing them to Al Quacka operatives. He can be reached at Camp Gitmo)

The veil of silence was torn asunder in Eugene as the Oregon Ducks were hit with a major violation by the Feds. Despite the severity of the cheating, no actual punishment was levied against the UO program.

NCAA bylaw 37.08 Section C (23.47) Subset 68.21 (D) Paragraph 125 states that any member institution owned by a big NCAA advertiser will be allowed to cheat without consequence as long as the cheating is quietly done like trading tickets for rent. In the event that said school does something as stupid and public as committing federal forgery offenses, a firm wrist slap will be applied.

In response to the outcry from prestigious publications such as this one, Oregon introduced a new Ethics Coordinator, Barry Switzer. Switzer promised to clean up the mess and instruct Bellotti on the art of calling time outs at the same time.

Many observers were puzzled as to how this rampant cheating could have been swept under the rug so completely. We reached Johann Schultz, Managing Editor of the Eugene Duck Guard and asked for a comment.

"Huh?"

When pressed further, Mr. Schultz put down his sandwich and proclaimed that he knew nothing, saw nothing and heard nothing.

Psychologist J. Peter Small noted that crimes like this start small, and if left unpunished, grow into major scandals.

"It could be something as stupid as forging depth charts that grows into something really stupid, like forging Letters of Intent," noted Small after visiting Hannibal Bellotti at his maximum security cell.

On field the news is worse, as the reeling Ducks have been getting hammered year in and year out and no longer have Jeff Tedford to help them outscore opponents. Defensive coordinator Leaky Alliotti is back yet again for reasons clear to no one. And yet the Ducks were cheating to get more offensive players, not defenders. Go figure.

The season will hinge on getting revenge against the Huskies at Autzen Arena. No word yet on whether Duck owner Phil Knight will ask Rick Neuheisel to watch the game from his private box.

Bellotti is feeling the pressure of the high expectations he has built in Eugene, what with one decent season in his 9 years there.
‘The Dynasty' is (re)Loaded, and so are the fans
Blake Carrington

(Rob Bobertson is on a rehab assignment at the Rush Limbaugh Center. Oxycontin is no way to deal with Apple Cup heart break. )

The Washington State Cougars, also known as the other team from Washington, look to build upon the middling success of the last three seasons, all of which ended with a loss to the superior squad from the wet side of the state. The Cougs hope to end the FDR Jinx and win a Rose Bowl some time this century to match the total from the last century.

Fully 75% of the Coug recruits have qualified to pursue a degree in Theory of Fast Food.

Alex ‘Season on the' Brink will lead the Crimson gang this year after all world Josh Swogger suffered permanent damage to his psyche when leading the Huskies to a win in last years Apple Cup. Cougar fans are filled with hope and optimism, but look for it to be gone before the leaves turn.
Pac 10 Prediction - Cal claims the Top Spot
There is a new feeling on the University of California at Jeff Tedford Campus. You notice it as you drive down Jeff Tedford Boulevard on the way to Jeff Tedford Square which leads you to Jeff Tedford Field at Jeff Tedford Stadium. This could be the year they end the Dwight Eisenhower Jinx and return to the Rose Bowl behind the best damn .500 coach in America. 54-7 over the dreaded masters from Montlake has qualified the ‘Snitch' for sainthood in the town of Jeff Tedford, formerly know as Berkeley. Decent Americans everywhere thank him for dropping the dime on the cheating Ducks

USC will look to break the GW Bush Jinx and win their first Rose Bowl since last season. We think they will wind up second, as All Pro receiver Mike Williams runs out of bounds instead of over the middle. Rumors of salary cap problems and jealousy over this year's batch of new cars leads us to believe that the Trojans may implode on themselves, always a messy scene.

Oregon State looks to break the LBJ Jinx and get back to Pasadena for the first time since 1964, where they got dismantled by Michigan. They won't and are the second most over rated team in the league this year, once again finishing behind their rival in Eugene.

The rest of the league is a mish mash of questions without answers. 4 thru 10 can be picked with a dartboard. UCLA can pencil in an annual win over UW, who can pencil in an annual NW Cup, but can they stay ahead of the mediocre and cling to first division status?

Arizona has a new coach, the wrong Stoops, and not much else. ASU might be due for some noise. Stanford will win the Sears Cup and not much else. WSU and UO battle for the basement.
The Nation

Some team from Florida, blah blah blah...Notre Dame welcomes the Huskies to the Golden Dome as Ty Willingham tries to save his job and beat the Huskies for the first time in his career...The Big 10 will have a champion as will other leagues across the land...Bobby Bowden was successfully revived from his cryogenic sleep again this year...The Noles arrest records have been dropping like their national ranking...look for Bobby to fix both those areas this year...It won't be long now until College Football arrives to save us from all this political blather...For that we are very grateful...God Bless our troops and thanks to all our readers....See you in September - Race

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