DUCKFIGHTER ILLUSTRATED

<b>IN THIS ISSUE:</b><ul> <li>Huskies fail NBC Audition</li> <li>Christmas Comes Early for Cougs</li> <li>Ducks handle the Vandal</li> <li>Beavers lose to Bellotti Spawn</li></ul>

A Note from the Publisher: We apologize in advance for the poor quality of this weeks magazine. Our writers are very young and inexperienced. They just aren't as talented as writers at other, more successful magazines. The previous publisher really ruined things around here by recruiting soft writers with substance abuse issues. But we are not going to point any fingers or throw anyone under the bus, no matter how bad they screwed things up for those of us here now who are taking all the abuse for an 0-3 start for our magazine. We hope to be up to standards here in another five to seven years when we can get our own writers on board. Thank you for your patience.

Same Story Different Day for Dawgs
Race Bannon

"With the talented athletes they have on defense, we were just outmatched out there," said Keith Gilbertson

Led by their inspiring coach, the Washington Huskies laid down and died early and often at venerable Notre Dame Stadium in front of yet another national television audience. Some press box wags pointed out other areas closer to the sidelines where the Huskies were outmatched again.

By midway through he third quarter Touchdown Jesus was spotted stifling a yawn. Jesus thought he might be needed on Saturday to help Ty Willingham break his 0-5 record against the Huskies. But, as heard on Sportscenter, these are not your Father's Huskies. Jesus was able to take the day off and prepare for the arrival of Kyle Orton and the Purdue squad, a legit D1 team that is very well coached.

Close to a century ago, Notre Dame invented the forward pass under the legendary Knute Rockne. Despite having nearly 100 years to prepare for this shocking new weapon, the Huskies found themselves gazing over their heads in wonderment as the non spherical orb floated by heading to the hands of a wide open receiver dancing merrily to the end zone. This was the cost of ‘shutting down' the Irish run game.

The second half was less competitive than the Blue Gold Spring Game, but the Irish used it for work on their running out the clock plan.

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse returned home to Seattle with the Huskies to over see the complete and total destruction of this once proud program that is now a national laughingstock.

Everything is now outlined against a pale gray sky in the Husky Nation. The happiest man in Seattle coaches and develops quarterbacks at Rainier Beach High School.

The rest of the season will be turned over to the true freshmen, hoping to get something out of them before they are ruined by the coaching available in the program today. The biggest breakdown on Saturday was by the most experienced part of the team. Maybe there is a reason so many of our coaches got fired somewhere else?

At this point the door to Race's secret bunker was broken down and Gilby Apologists were seen dragging him away. Is this the end of DFI? Stay tuned bat fans.
Trojans Survive Trees
Troy ‘Cubby' Wadsworth III

What is it about the Bay Area and the Trojans? Caught napping for the second year in a row, this time the Trojans rallied for final victory over the shockingly improved Buddy Ballers. Stanford appears poised to become the latest former doormat to tap dance on the grave of the Huskies.

Stanford got their final touchdown on a 80 yard run while trying to run out the clock in the first half, shocking USC by taking a 28-17 lead.

Pete Carroll proved once again what a difference a great leader with a clue can make to a team as the Trojans held Stanford to 36 total yards in the 2nd half and came back to win 31-28.

The Trojans get a week off to prepare for Tedford U and a big time revenge game at the Coliseum in Los Angeles.
Another vassal to be freed this week
Race Bannon

Stanford has actually beaten the Huskies twice in the last thirty years, so to compare their record of futility to the one Cal was carrying is perhaps a bit unfair. John Elway and Scott Frost did the deed in 1982 and 1994.

Now the Tree has UW coming to the Farm and Buddy Ball is firing on all cylinders and the Huskies are doomed to go down to ignominious defeat. The positive? Nobody will see it either on TV or in person.

Stanford – 44, UW – 14
Another Desert Christmas Pageant in Autumn
Rob Bobertson

The Wrong Stoops joins Bruce Snyder in infamy as once again taking a knee proved to be a concept too difficult to master for an Arizona Pac 10 coach. Snyder gift wrapped a win for Oregon shortly before their dynasty collapsed in a hail of long touchdown throws by opponents.

Many are also predicting the fall of the Coug Dynasty, but as long as the Lucky Cougars continue to get lucky breaks they will continue to win the close games as they have for the previous three years. Non Apple Cup games that is. How did Doba lose to Gilby anyway?

These guys just know how to win. Shut down and beat up by the Wildcat defense the Cougs just waited for the Wrong Stoops to do something Stoopid, and he did.

Now 3-1 with renewed confidence that the Huskies REALLY are bad enough for the Cougs to beat, WSU takes the week off to prepare for a visit by Oregon.

Elsewhere: Oregon beat Idaho and ASU beat OSU as predicted here last week...ASU heads to Eugene where they should crush the Ducks, but Bellotti Spawn Dirk Koetter needs to prove he can win at Autzen...ASU rang up 59 on UO last year, so revenge is on the mind of the Master Forger...The Beavers get Tedford U at home hoping for rust to never sleep on the Bears. Will the Tedford Bears be looking ahead to SC? Better not...Big week upcoming for the SEC as big games dominate the schedule...The Watchful Eye will be watching and reminiscing about what big time football was like....If we have any readers left, we thank you...we just don't have the talent to be funny week after week when the team is 6-9 in its last 15 - Race

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