DUCKFIGHTER ILLUSTRATED

<b>IN THIS ISSUE:</b><ul> <li>Homeland Security Raids DFI World Headquarters</li> <li>Troy 'Cubby' Wadsworth III arrested in LA</li> <li>Cougs caught impersonating a football team</li> <li>Bellotti forges ahead with LOIs, recruiting going well</li></ul>

Special Report
Mallard N. Moore

Shortly before the end of the first half of Washington's game against USC last Saturday, Homeland Security agents cut the power to the DuckFighter compound and started blaring the Oregon Fight Song to roust out Race Bannon from his undisclosed hiding place deep beneath the earth's molten core.

Bannon has been on the run from an angry mob of Gilby apologists, so he was not at the compound at the time. His whereabouts remain unknown as we go to press.

Our satellites went down and we are unable to report on the results of the classic match up between two of the Pac 10's legendary heavyweights. We apologize for any inconvenience to our regular readers.

Our reporter on the scene, Troy 'Cubby' Wadsworth III, was unable to attend the game in order to give us a live report due to some issues resulting from an incident at a USC sorority. Details remain sketchy, but we hope to get a full report once Cubby is arraigned, and the Honorable Judge Wadsworth Junior sets bail.

Judge Wadsworth has been a longtime friend of the Trojan program, so we can only hope for the best for Cubby.

I guess that leaves this weeks prediction up to me. The Oregon Ducks are frothing at the bill for revenge against their long time masters. Nobody blows out Oregon THREE years in a row. Nobody. Nobody circles the wagons at recently remodeled Autzen Arena like the Oregon Ducks. Keith Lewis has vowed to dance on the W at Husky Stadium, even though the game is in Eugene. Oregon enjoyed their big win over the giant Stanford team, and now looks to beat up on some Washington Midgets. If Kelly Clemmons remembers to go to the bathroom at halftime, this one should be a rout before the third quarter is over.

UO 84, UW 24
We now present classic DFI stories from the vast archives to replace our normal up to the minute recaps. It is a little known fact that DFI existed in the 1970's because it was only available on line at secure military installations that were hooked up to the fledgling internets. Our young intern at the time, Albert Gore, has often credited his time at DFI as the inspiration for inventing the internets that President Bush uses today.
Jim Owens claims his vengeance
Race Bannon Sr. – 1974

The dismal 1973 season that ended with a 2-9 record may stand for 31 years as the low mark in Husky Football. At least we hope it is at least that long before we see another season like that one.

At the top of the humiliations from last season was a 58-0 drubbing by the woeful Oregon Ducks at recently constructed Autzen Arena. Regular readers may recall that the Husky team had come down with food poisoning after eating at Eugene's finest establishment, The Hungry Hippie. The short-handed Huskies were forced to suit up the drill squad. The drillers held their own for three quarters, but they tired, forcing Owens to send in the cheerleaders who surrendered 58 fourth quarter points to the Ducks.

Husky insiders felt that UO had run up the score and vowed revenge on the Ducks who were led by their new coach who had nothing to do with the travesty of poor sportsmanship the year before.

Chris Rowland led a balanced Husky attack that quickly proved to be impossible for the midget like Duck defenders to stop. Oregon added to their own woes by turning the ball over early and often. Robin Earl powered through the helpless defense all day long.

As the score climbed into the 50's, the rabid crowd at a filled up Husky Stadium screamed for more. An obliging Jim Owens kept the hammer down until the final read 66-0.

Questions remain about the future of Big Jim at Washington. My sources tell me that quiet negotiations have begun with a mid western coach from a small MAC school. Stay tuned as DFI keeps you informed with the kind of inside information you have come to expect. Owens will retire and rumor has it that a statue will be erected in front of Hec Ed about 30 years from now.

Owens coached the Huskies to three Rose Bowls, winning two, but the game appears to have passed him by in recent years.
James saves job for now
Race Bannon Sr. – 1977

Nobody knew who Don James was when he came here from a small mid western MAC school before the 1975 season, replacing the legendary Jim Owens, who had gone out on a positive note with a 66-0 whitewashing of Oregon.

James quickly made a name for himself by beating USC and John McKay for the first time in ten years, along with a win at UCLA. Only a close loss at Cal kept UW from their first Rose Bowl in over a decade.

The luster began to dim with a losing record in 1976. James vowed that it would be 27 years before the Huskies had a losing record again. He also vowed that he would never lose to Cal again.

James' vow is in jeopardy as the Huskies started the 1977 season 1-3, with close road losses to crummy teams like Syracuse and Minnesota. Military types have been all over the fledgling internets calling for James to be fired.

Wayne Cody's Sportsline on KIRO radio has been filled with angry callers demanding a change. It is hard for a coach in 1977 to build a program with talk radio and the internets spreading discord through a program.

James responded by hunkering down in his office vowing never to leave until the Huskies turn it around. First up is the league opener at aging, un remodeled Autzen Arena.

After a spirited bus race down Interstate 5, the Huskies arrived in Eugene and this time they had their own food and water with them. A rabid, yet toothless crowd of angry trailer trash greeted the Huskies with spit and urine. Or was that in Pullman? It is so hard to tell these days.

The game was a mismatch from the opening kick off as the large Huskies kicked sand in the face of the Oregon Midgets and Don James saved his job for another week with a rousing 54-0 win. Warren Moon looks like he's coming around and should be a fine quarterback. If the NFL will give him a chance, he could throw for 50,000 yards. If not, he could win 5 Grey Cups in Canada. He might do both!

James looks like he has the team on track for a big winning streak. I can see them winning the rest of their games, with the possible exception of the annual loss to UCLA, and ending up at the Rose Bowl where they will trick whip a team like Michigan that won't know what hit them until its too late.

If not, we can start the search for a new coach after the season.

Thanks for reading! – Mallard ( I always wanted to do that!)

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