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A Word From the Owner
Dr. Quest, PhD, MD, JD, LSD, MBA

When I am not flying around the world with my family and my personal pilot, Race Bannon, I like to return to my alma mater and enjoy the legendary winning football team at Washington. It is my great love of the Huskies that made me let Race devote so much time to running DFI.

Alas both my school and my magazine have fallen on tough times and in both cases a change at the top is called for. Due to some unfortunate photographs, I am unable to fire Mr. Bannon at this time, so I have turned my attention to the football team.

I have fought mechanical spiders. I have battled alien frogmen. I have escaped from evil geniuses and mad scientists. I have seen things no man should see, but I have never seen anything as scary as the Washington Husky offense, circa 2004.

I have spent a lifetime thwarting the evil of Dr. "Black" Knight, the mad, evil genius behind the monstrous, if not mediocre Oregon football program. I will not sit idly by and watch a repeat of the mistakes made by appeasing this threat in 1994. We know what they will do if they feast on a weakened Husky program and propel themselves into minor bowl consideration. Let us not let history repeat itself.

I praise Keith Gilbertson for his years of service to the company and value his status as a Husky legend. Sadly, the time for a change has come.
Ducks Break Out Zero Dance
Mallard. N. Moore

Despite a sluggish start, the Oregon Ducks were able to hang a couple of late garbage time touchdowns on the board to mollify the booing faithful at recently remodeled Autzen Arena and cruise to an easy victory over the Washington Huskies.

"Just like the old days, eh Billy boy?" crowed Mike Bellotti as he relaxed in the X-Box lounge after the game Saturday evening.

"Sure Mike, that's right" replied Bill Moos as he released an inner sigh of relief that Bellotti hadn't choked this one away like the last two years. "Now I'm going to beat that turncoat Tedford and get the owner off my back once and for all" fumed Bellotti as he mentally prepared the resume that he would send to Todd Turner.

"Sure Mike, that's right" replied Bill Moos as he silently dreaded the tongue lashing he would get from the owner when UO got smeared by Cal next week.

"Make sure Gilby gets on the Christmas list, we couldn't have covered the spread without him. Damn, just beating Washington isn't enough anymore down here. The hicks are catching on." Bellotti said remorsefully as he looked ahead to the next three weeks and wondered how UO was going to win another game.

"Sure Mike, that's right" replied Bill Moos as he once again wished it had been him instead of Todd Turner.

To show what a huge game the Huskies are, the Ducks proudly marched out to their zero and danced sort of a cross between the "monkey-humping-a-football" and the "Super bowl shuffle". It was an extraordinary show of emotion by a team that had just thumped a 1-7 team that couldn't beat Phyllis Diller if she was on the schedule.

Next up is Cal. I think the Ducks are Rose Bowl bound but Race is the boss and he insists we run this prediction.

Tedford will welcome the Master Forger to Strawberry Canyon for a little game of 50 point whup ass as the Bears romp and the Ducks droop.

Cal – 56 - UO – 17
Game of the Century at Husky Stadium this Week
Race Bannon

The Wrong Stoops brings his hungry Wildcats of Arizona to Husky Stadium on Saturday for a basement battle in Seattle. Chick Sales is sponsoring the game and the winner will get the old oaken outhouse.

Both squads are looking for their first Pac 10 win this year, and the Wildcats have already played WSU so they have no margin for error. Arizona is looking for a repeat of last years thrilling win behind interim coach Sparky Spanky.

UW will roll out their high powered passing attack in an attempt to overwhelm the Wildcat defense with a fast and furious game plan.

Get there early as the 35,000 fans expected for the game really shouldn't create much of a traffic problem at all. Although with a change in UW coaches pending, it could make for a macabre atmosphere.

UA – 3 - UW - 0 Three overtimes, ten turnovers
Fire Doba *hic*
Rob Bobertson

Wha happened to my dynashty? *Hic*

Mr. Robertson is unable to continue his assigned task. We apologize for any inconvenience to our readers. WSU lost to USC and will now lose to UCLA. The Annual Apple Cup loss draws nigh.
Meanwhile in real football land: - USC heads to Corvallis to bring the Beavers crashing back to reality...DFI projects the Beavers as the Civil War and NW Cup winners this year...UCLA shut out Stanford....yes, shut points...a giant disappointment for Buddy Ball...UCLA has a bye this week against the Cougs...Dorrell is a coach of the year candidate....Bedlam broke out as OU beat OK State...Miami got spanked by North Carolina...Vince Carter scored thirty for the Heels...the Noles got waxed by some Turtles...the Gators lost to Georgia....Oregon beat Washington....and Washington will make a change of some sort at 2:30 of the afternoon this article is released …… a strange week indeed.

Thanks for reading and get out and vote early and often! - Race Top Stories