Team Coverage: Being Jeff Tedford
Race Bannon with Mallard N. Moore
Strawberry Canyon was awash in tie dye as interim coach Jeff Tedford prepared to take the field with the Cal Bears, the DFI pre season pick to win the Pac 10. Irate Cal boosters lost faith in Tedford after he blew the USC game costing the Bears their chance at the first conference title since cars had really big fins.
Tedford agreed to finish out the season and lead the Bears to their first Rose Bowl since Sputnik roamed the night skies.
Standing in the way were none other than the Oregon Ducks, led by leader for life, Mike Bellotti. Bellotti gave Tedford his big shot as offensive coordinator at Oregon. Tedford gave Bellotti his big shot by leading Oregon to their greatest glory. Bellotti returned the favor by forging LOIs in a futile attempt to keep Cal from closing down his Bay Area hunting grounds. J.J. Arrington would've looked good in highlighter yellow, eh Mike?
The much improved, yet still over rated Duck defense held Cal's high flying attack to just under 500 yards in what could be considered a moral victory.
"There are no moral victories" proclaimed Bellotti as he silently prayed that team owner Phil Knight would see this as a moral victory.
Kelly Clemmons threw four first half touchdown passes and none in the second half as the Ducks were bottled up and sold as lava lamps after the break. Cal spent the second half driving up and down the field only to mess up in the red zone. You can bet that will come up in Tedford's job interview. The shaky special teams play will probably be discussed as well.
"I can see myself staying at Cal for life" said Tedford in a post game interview, as he thought that he could also see himself making twice as much money and living on a lake with his own yacht.
"We're not going to blame our kicker for missing an extra point despite the hours we spend as coaches working with him, nor will we lay it on the receiver who dropped that last pass despite the months of research that went into the decision to offer him a scholarship and the years of hard work by coaches to make him a better player than a guy who blows the game and gets his coach in trouble with his owner," Bellotti calmly explained in a post game interview as he wondered if he would get a call from Todd Turner after the Civil War.
Rumors swept through the Bay Area that the owner of four local Star Trek superstores was going to write a check to break ground on the long promised stadium improvements at Earthquake Park in Berkeley. Cal associate AD, Elmer Gantry, said that Cal was good on its word and would take care of Jeff Tedford for eternity if that's what it takes.
So far this story had Tedford being let go and Cal fighting to keep him. That's what team coverage will do for you. It seems our contributor from south of the border doesn't want to see Tedford anywhere near Montlake. I wonder why not?
Tedford will indeed be at Montlake this coming Saturday to audition in front of the faithful who haven't burned their tickets yet. In a battle of current and former Cal coaches, some experts think that Tedford may have a slight edge.
Tedford will be met at the airport with a rose petal parade and showers of cash. Nervous Bear fans will have to content themselves with a third straight blow out win over the former Masters from Montlake.
Meanwhile in Eugene:
"Moos! You blithering idiot! As soon as I find Babs' number you're history around here!" wailed a distraught Phil Knight as he once again realized the consequences of a blown personnel decision. Is it too late to get in the Tedford Sweepstakes? Stay tuned next week....same Bat time...same Bat channel!
Cal – 56, UW – 3
Troy "Cubby" Wadsworth III reports from LA
The UCLA Bruins have officially begun their late season swoon as they once again, inexplicably, mysteriously, and bizarrely lost to a NW patsy. The deal with the devil to own UW has some nasty clauses. The main one being that they can never beat WSU or UO. This is timely for the Ducks, as this new information changes the 5-3 to 5-6 formulation completely. The Ducks are now bowl eligible! They will crush the Bruins who will fire their coach and drop football due to the ignominy of such a calamity.
UO – 38, UCLA – 22
The Trojans were forced to play in fog on a cool night in a backwater wasteland. When will such indignities stop being forced upon such a proud and legendary team? It was all the Trojans could do to stay awake long enough to dispatch the gnawing Beavers of Oregon State.
USC – 85, Arizona – 0
ASU – 28, WSU – 21
And the Rest: Results of the Washington - Arizona game were not available as we went to press, or did we just fall asleep?...we apologize for any inconvenience...Miami lost again...the ACC is no Big Easy...Notre Dame got lucky at Rocky Top...Urban Meyer might as well head to Florida...Rich Brook's Kentucky Wildcats may be worse than the Huskies...as always, thanks Rich...OU beat A&M in a thriller at College Station...what's up with Mizzou and the second half...another heartbreaker for Pinkel's crew...Texas spotted OK State a 35-7 lead before a nifty 49-0 run...young Vince Young has really benefited from superior coaching...Rainier Beach won the Metro League title, a DFI tip o' the cap for the local team...this season will end, and for that we can all be thankful.
Thanks for reading - Race
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