DUCKFIGHTER ILLUSTRATED

<b>In this issue:</b> <ul><li>Homeboys Herald Husky Hoop Revival<br> <li>First Tourney Championship for Washington<br> <li>Next Up: Final Four – Huskies are #1 Seed<br> <li>Meet Me in St. Louis<br> <li>Cheating Ducks Still on the Lam <li>Cheating Ducks Still on the Lam</ul>

Wildcat woes continue against UW
Race Bannon

The University of Washington Huskies has now won 5 out of 6 against the UA Wildcats.

Quack!

Since basketball began being played (midway through last year), the Washington Huskies are the best team in Pac 10 history.

Quack!

Led by a hearty band of local heroes, the Washington Huskies fought back from the depths on several occasions Saturday afternoon at Kobe Bryant Arena to snatch victory from the Wildcats and claim their first ever Pac 10 conference tournament championship.

Brandon Roy, Chester Simmons III, and Will Conroy from Garfield joined Rainier Beach legend Nate Robinson to revive Washington hoops to heights never before seen. Not to be forgotten are key out of stators such as Bobby Jones and Jamaal Williams who supplied the inside muscle needed to break the UA zone and send the Dawgs on their way to the big dance with one set of nets already firmly ensconced around their necks.

The Huskies withstood a performance for the ages from Salim Stoudamire, who filled the nets with a three point shooting show worthy of the gunner for whom the arena is named. Alas, Salim's show put the supporting cast to sleep and negated UA's biggest advantage, which is the inside strength of their two big men. The alert Husky ballers were well aware of this as they helped to sow the seeds of discord among the Wildcats, who ended up watching Salim along with the rest of the 2,500 fans in attendance in laid back LA.

Lorenzo Romar has performed miracles in his brief time at Montlake and now stands on the threshold of a national championship. Our sources indicate that a certain former Husky football coach paid big dollars to get the Husky hoopsters in the charitable auction he was part of.

Scoreboard baby.

The road to St. Louis begins with a number one seed, a first for a Pac 10 team not named Arizona or UCLA since Steve Johnson led the Oregon State Beavers to a shocking first round defeat. Let's not let history repeat itself against a fired up band of Grizzlies from Montana in the opener at Boise, Idaho.

Then the road only gets tougher with top teams like the Zags, Wake Forest, Pacific or Pitt, and last years national runner up, Georgia Tech standing in the way of a trip to the golden arch of St. Louis. Not to mention Louisville. Is Dr. Dunkenstein still in the house?

We think the Huskies will break the Zag jinx or beat Billy Packer's Wake team and make the trip to the Final Four. But it will be one hell of a ride. Hang on folks!
NCAA surrenders at little, out of the way courthouse
Race Bannon

The NCAA surrendered their sword at the Appomattox Courthouse in Kent, Washington, thus ending the civil war in the Husky Nation. The Confederation of university athletics was forced to admit that they don't even know what their rules are and that they broke the rules that they did know about.

All of which confirmed a long held suspicion that the Confederates were an outlaw organization that preyed upon the weak, such as our former athletic director who is the dictionary definition of weak.

A relieved Rick Neuheisel had this to say to our reporter on the scene:

"I'm just happy that nobody got their nose bloodied" he said as he counted the two million dollars of bloody nose that the NCAA was forced to pay him for their role in the ill timed and ultimately mismanaged firing of the beleaguered former UW coach.

"UW is in the clear while UO is on probation for a major violation" Neuheisel continued as he looked forward to a meeting with Phil Knight over the vacancy at head coach for football at UO. "I am now free to pursue my dream, which is coaching and charitable auctions."

UW officials were quick to point out that the 2 million dollars they paid Rick (500 grand in cash and a forgiveness of a 1.5 million dollar loan) showed clearly that they had beaten down the former UW coach once and for all.

"Rick was not a winner here. No sir, no way, now how" exclaimed a spokesman for the University. "He is gone and he was a liar and we are just damn glad that we did what it took to get him out of here."

What it took was a two year destruction of the football team and a 1-10 record last season under a replacement that had no chance of succeeding. Hopefully most of the morons who hatched this risky scheme are out of the state and out of college athletics.

Ty Willingham was unavailable for comment. Still. Ty appears to be enjoying his retirement to the northwest away from the media demands of a Division 1 football coach. That $2 million a year annuity that Todd gave him is nice too.

We could tell you about the spring practice plans, but then we would have to kill you.
Ernie on the hot seat
Mallard N. Moore

Plagued by winter rains outside the arenas in which the Ducks played basketball, the Mallard men's team joined their football brothers as the most over rated team in the Pac 10. It seems like the best team on the court lost most of their conference games, finishing 9th and out of the league tourney.

Ernie Kent is further burdened by the mercurial rise of Husky Hoops which has added to the heat he is feeling for the epic collapse of his program. Romar is headed to the Final Four with a number one seed and the Ducks are home for the foreseeable future.

"That SOB Bellotti has a losing season when UW goes 1-10 and the Duck fans are so giddy they didn't even notice how bad their own team was" complained Kent as he ran through the back corridors of the X Box Center trying to avoid Phil Knight. "And now I'm supposed to go out and recruit when Bellotti already used up the slush fund."

Dick Bennett of WSU commiserated with Kent as they both flipped off Husky students and petitioned the NCAA to have the Husky students moved outside of Hec Ed for next season.

The NCAA declined, noting that they already got their ass kicked once up here and aren't looking forward to another one.

Go Huskies! 6 wins to Glory!

Thanks for reading - Race

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