DUCKFIGHTER ILUSTRATED

IN THIS ISSUE: - Our Spies Report on Husky Spring Game - Brady Leaf Assumes Command in Eugene - Cougars probably had a Spring Game - Beavers Prepare to Defend the NW Cup and the Honor of Their Sheep


X File
[Name Deleted]

At DFI we pride ourselves on getting the stories that you won't get anywhere else. Often times that's because we just make stuff up. But in this case, we were able to get our crack staff behind the Purple Curtain of new Husky Strongman, Ty Willingham, and get this top secret report on the Husky Spring Game.

While Bud "As his Career" Withers and Jim "Less is" Moore found themselves shut out along with Ted "the Forehead" Miller, DFI spies risked their lives to bring you this report. As always, should any of the team be found out, all knowledge of their existence will be eliminated. This issue will self destruct five minutes after you read it.

Isaiah Stanback spent his limited playing time starting drives that Carl Bonnell was unable to finish. The pitchers were ahead of the hitters as the defense won the day for both squads. Johnny Durocher broke his forged UO LOI and got his first action in front of the hometown fans and showed that he will be a factor in the QB race.

The injury ravaged defensive line was still able to over power the split squad offensive line. The defenders were led by Manase Hopoi, a pre season DFI All American selection. The O line did appear to be more fit and hope remains that five solid starters can be found out of the group.

Shelton Sampson led the running back parade and no receivers stood out as the offenses stunk up the joint on the way to a 3-0 win for the Purples.

Our sources were impressed with the noticeable organization and attention to detail under new coach Willingham. The long road back has begun, but it appears to be a very long road to this grizzled scribe.

Unless the players plan on working their rears off, something they have avoided the last two years, we can't expect much more than the usual three wins against the NW lesser lights this year. All in all, the Spring Game left onlookers depressed. Fortunately they were whisked to re education camps where a more positive outlook was ingrained into their brain patterns.

All hail Todd Turner and pass the raised ticket prices please!
Brady Leaf Era Begins in Eugene
Mallard N. Moore

In what can only be described as a shocking development, Brady "Don't Call Me Ryan" Leaf took the starting job from 12th year senior Kelley "Don't call me Clarence" Clemmons after the Duck Lemon and Lime Game. While Mike Bellotti stopped short of naming Leaf the starter, in fact he named Clemmons the starter, inside observers saw the future as Leaf led the White team to victory over the struggling Green squad.

Due to technical problems I was unable to watch much of the scrimmage. The boss wanted to watch ‘VH1's 40 Least Hip Hop Moments'. Ty Willingham did not make the list. Then we had to watch ‘Awesomely Bad Career Moves'. Moos' decision to let Tedford go instead of Bellotti did not make the list. Nor did Neuheisel's decision to focus on neighborhood charity auctions.

In a surprising move, VH1 gave the nod to Herve Villechaize, "Tatoo" from Fantasy Island.

I was able to glance at some of the scrimmage and saw that Clemmons is still a better running back than quarter back. The Duck O line got steamrolled by an average D line. There were lots of flashy wannabe big time players but still an alarming lack of substance on display.

Don't be fooled by the hype again, this is a 6 win team at best thanks to the usual pansy non con schedule.

An agitated Phil Knight watched the game from his palatial suite high above somewhat recently remodeled Autzen Arena. Busboy Bill Moos kept the drinks flowing and the laughs coming as he explained the new emphasis on NCAA compliance at UO. The Ducks hope to avoid any more major football violations this season now that the check has cleared for Jonathon Stewart.

It was hard to tell which were louder, the cheers of the sparse crowd or the ankle bracelets on the players going off as they got too far from home. Even Phil Fullmer thinks UO is out of control.

See you this fall!
Beavers bringing home the sheep

No story, we just liked the headline. The Beavs do need to find a replacement for Derrick Anderson, but appear to be the NW favorites again this year as they sprung into spring on the heels of a 50-21 rout of Oregon and another smashing of Notre Dame in a bowl game.
Cougars Fall off the Radar


Hey, it's our radar. If you really want our report on the Cougar's spring game, you should have told us before we ignored the whole thing completely.
Spring PAC 10 Forecast


1. USC - We're not picking Cal again
2. Cal - Red Raider Red Raider
3. UCLA - Dorrell saves his job
4. ASU - Koetter first spawn to be fired?
5. OSU - They own the state
6. UA - Stoops goes bowling
7. UO - Over rated, clap clap- clap clap clap
8. UW - A small step for a Dawg
9. WSU - Home again
10. Stanford - *Yawn*

As always, thanks to you our loyal readers! – Race

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