Apple Cup Review
It is too bad that football is not an Olympic Sport played by women.
Editors Note: We would like to tell our fans and readers how embarrassed we are by the coverage of the game that his magazine provides. We are embarrassed for the readers after the actions of our writer for this story. College football is man's greatest game and it deserves better than another bitter rant against the incompetents in charge of the football program. You have Race Bannon's word that it will not happen again.
Ducks cement status as premier Northwest Program
Mallard N. Moore
The good Lord had mercy on the University of Nike Eugene and caused a heavy fog to obscure the new uniforms of the Ducks, thus saving Nike a huge embarrassment over the ugly uniforms. Joannie Weston called and said even Roller Derby is embarrassed by those things.
But that is about all that went wrong for the Oregon Ducks this season as they put the capper on a 10-1 season by returning the 50 point blowout to the sheep herders from Corvallis.
A beaming Phil Knight congratulated Bill Moos for staying the course as scandal after scandal rocked Eugene and the ethically challenged Bellotti coaching staff, still on probation for a major violation.
"Let the Huskies talk about integrity now like we did when we were big time losers," crowed Moos as he prepared to hood wink Todd Turner into 7 more consecutive games at Autzen. "We are about winning and we are pleased to report that we have indeed passed the Huskies by as the premiere program in the northwest and next year we should be national champions. The only thing that would make it sweeter is if UW hadn't unilaterally surrendered to us."
"I am pleased as punch that Gary Crowton picked up my offense so fast," proclaimed Mike Bellotti as he prepared tee times for Coach Willingham and to go to Washington and cherry pick some more prep stars. "I have a forged LOI already prepared for Jake Locker."
As a long time Duck beat reporter, I have to admit that I never thought I'd see the day when UO was on top and UW was winless against the Northwest for two straight years.
Pat Hill sews up Coach of the Year award
Troy "Cubby" Wadsworth III
"Man, I am glad that Todd Turner never gave him an interview," said a relieved Pete Carroll after his top ranked Trojans barely survived the smaller, slower, and less talented Fresno State squad. "Pat never makes excuses, he just gets his team to believe and to play as hard as they can and they make a habit of beating more talented teams. We're damn lucky not to be one of them tonight."
The Trojans did not take the game lightly and rang up 50 points behind a record setting performance by Reggie Bush. And yet there was Fresno knocking on the door for the tying touchdown in the waning minutes of the game. Only a game saving interception saved the season for the Trojans.
Now SC waits a week before the annual win over UCLA and a trip to the Rose Bowl. Husky fans can see Pat Hill up close and personal as he gets his second win at Husky Stadium next fall.
How many does Coach Willingham have there?
The Rest: The reeling Cal Bears stomped the Giants leaving Stanford on the outside of bowl eligibility with a loss to Notre Dame looming…Tedford revived his quarterback magic with a back up linebacker taking the snaps… ASU needs to beat UA this weekend to get a bowl bid…The Pac could be left with only 4 bowl teams as OSU also fell short…Ohio State drove the field to beat Michigan at the Big House…Penn State won the Big 11 by bashing Michigan State… LSU and Auburn go to the wire to see who plays Georgia for the SEC…LSU should clinch it with a win over Arky…Hey President Emmert *cough* *cough* what about those promises…Vandy Man???...Texas Tech beat OU on the last play of the game…Clemson beat South Carolina…and the Vaunted Canes went down hard to the Rambling Wreck of Georgia Tech…Va Tech and Free Shoes will play for the ACC…we will be back, much to the chagrin of normal people everywhere with our Season Review / Bowl Preview Spectacular…might even be in a better mood then…learn to embrace your inner loser!
Thanks for reading! – Race
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