Trojan Wars Underway as Scandals Rock Heritage Hall
Race Bannon with special reporting by Mallard N. Moore and Troy "Cubby" Wadsworth III
That's right - Team Coverage!!!
Failing to learn the lesson of the last three time PAC 10 champion, the USC Trojans have been rocked by a series of serious charges and allegations, not all of them made up by us.
PAC 10 Investigators, also known as the Spanish Inquisition, have descended upon Heritage Hall on the USC campus to look into several disturbing reports involving America's Team. All Everything Heisman winner Reggie Bush is under the micro scope because his parents were found to be living in a double wide instead of a single wide that their teachers' salaries could afford.
San Diego Real Estate legend, and budding International Management Czar, Troy "Cubby" Wadsworth III explained that it is not uncommon for his grandfathers agency to reach out to those less fortunate and to "give them a hand up, not a hand out". The parents were unavailable for comment as we went to press due to a long-standing plan to tour the world for the next decade or so.
Some Yahoo broke the story since the LA Times was still in the midst of their now 15 year look into the summer jobs program of the University of Washington. Sifting through tattered fruit baskets for clues takes time.
USC has been rocked by a series of serious charges and allegations, a fact we need to repeat several times in each story to show the gravity of the situation and to fill space since there really isn't all that much but we need to make it seem like there is. If we were 'Sportscenter' we could show you the front door of the double wide over and over again every hour on the half hour.
In case you have joined us late, USC has been rocked by a series of serious charges and allegations. A program out of control? Hey, we love that line.
Is USC a program out of control as they have been rocked by a series of serious charges and allegations?
An embattled Mike Garrett showed all the moves that made him a Heisman winner back when the earth was cooling after the big bang. "What we need to do is take a step back, calm down and wait for the white wash to be completed before we over react," commented Garrett as he prepared to roll Pete Carroll under the bus. "We need to get off the front page and out of the newspapers and off TV. Somebody call Ty Willingham!"
Adding to the woes of the three time National Champs . . . oh wait, they actually had to play that game and lost to Texas. Sorry. Adding to the woes of the TWO time national champs, a program rocked by serious charges and allegations, and possibly out of control, was the news that back up quarterback Jose Cuervo* (* not his real name. Do you think we want to get sued?) was arrested for sexual assault by Dog the Bounty Hunter and Dallas SWAT and the entire A&E television network. Sexual assault is no laughing matter so let's just say that Reggie Bush and his family will appear on Flip This House.
Jose is out on bond, set at 5 dollars by Judge Wadsworth Jr., and will join fellow Trojan legend OJ in Florida looking for the real criminals.
It looks like we have stretched these serious charges and allegations about a program out of control as far as we can for now, so let's go to Mallard N. Moore in Eugene for the Duck perspective.........
Trojan charges show the wisdom of Bellotti's way
Mallard N. Moore
Mike Bellotti is different from Don James or Pete Carroll and not just because he has never won a Rose Bowl or a National Championship. Bellotti understands the nature of PAC 10 football and has always liberally sprinkled in mediocre seasons between his Holiday Bowl appearances so he won't alert investigators to the seamy underbelly of Duck Football in Eugene.
The U of O was rocked by its own series of serious charges and allegations, including:
Tickets for Rent
Ladies for Recruits
Goodie bags for Players
Fight for your Seat night
Dozens of secondary violations
Only DFI reported the truth on these sordid events and only DFI would bring them up again in a special report on USC.
"We are very sad to hear of the serious charges and allegations against the program out of control at USC", noted a smirking Bill Moos as he prepared to hoist a PAC 10 championship banner at Autzen Stadium if the Trojans get their 05 title yanked. "We are sad that it wasn't Washington."
Huskies allegedly have Spring Practice
We can whine just like the real press, even though we at DFI don't get any access even if there was access to the Husky Football Program. Head Man Ty Willingham has put an Iron Curtain around the Montlake Follies so he can build his team, using his system, without the prying eyes of media slime like yours truly.
The redoubtable Chris Fetters and Scott Ecklund, fellow journalists *cough* of mine here at Dawgman.com, kept the faithful informed of the new attitude, increased workouts and improved play of the Returned Dawgs.
Coach Willingham supplied his cryptic, yet confusing commentary, throwing anyone interested off the scent of what is really happening to our team. Well, it used to be our team. It used to be our town. Now it is Coach Willingham's world and we are just looking darkly through the mirror of mixed metaphors.
DFI legend Isaiah Stanback threw for 3 tds and 190 yards on 9 passes. Allegedly. The performance renewed calls to move him to weak tackle since he bench presses more than most of our offensive linemen.
We will have a full preview of the coming season in our Summer Spectacular.
In other more important Husky News, Olympic Sport legend Todd Turner released the following press release on his blog titled "Eyes Only, Destroy After Reading":
'We are in the final stages of our preliminary plan to plan a more formalized preliminary plan to take to committee for an informal plan to plan the remodel of Husky Stadium. Once those plans are planned, we plan to seriously plan the timeline for a final plan to plan the new stadium. we hope to keep as many donors on the hook as possible since declining football ticket sales put our legendary and championship Olympic Sports at risk of having to forgo may of the luxuries they so richly deserve.
‘Don't confuse this stadium plan with the lightening speed with which Babs Hedges Field and Teresa Wilson Softball Stadium was planned and built. This will take decades.'
Don't forget......USC faces serious charges......and allegations.......are they out......of......control?
Thanks for reading! - Race
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