World Cup is over for this dude

All right already! Will someone please help me? I just don't get it. I know I'm the ugly American but please, what is the big deal about World Cup soccer? I am so glad we Americans got eliminated so I don't have to force myself to watch it anymore. I tried. It didn't work.

If they want to call it futbol or football, then fine. I'm glad to call ours American football. I sure as heck don't want our game confused with theirs.

I actually got up in the morning twice to watch this stupid sporting event. I still don't know what it is all about, besides boring. The whole world is googoo about it except us. Why? I honestly tired to catch the fever, but really, our team played three games - or matches, that is - and scored one goal. Are you kidding me? One goal. I was simply dumbfounded. We've got millions of kids playing this sport and all we could come up with is one goal?

Now I admit to being a defensive coach, but really, shouldn't we at least try to score? Not in the World Cup. That's not the objective. It's clear that the whole purpose is to advance, not to win.

I will confess I couldn't make it all the way through a single match, that is. It was killing me. I've never seen so much faking in my life. There was more falling down and whining and flopping and acting then the San Antonio Spurs. Come to think of it, all the guys on the Spurs who are the fakers are Manu Ginobili and Tony Parker - guys from, you guessed it... soccer countries.

Now explain this to me. They actually play to tie. Heck, you're tied when the game starts. Why even play if one of the objectives is to tie? That simply baffles me. Then give one referee the right to kick any player out he chooses. So, instead of 11 on 11, you can have 10 on 9. Or three on two for that matter if he happens to be in a bad mood.

I've got a good idea. Why not just let one guy know what the clock is? No one else in the stadium has to know the exact time left in the game and even when that guy sees that the time has run out, he can simply add 'injury time' and the game goes on.

So, this one little arrogant power tripper with cards in his pocket gets to decide who wins and loses. No…excuse me…who wins or ties.

And talk about celebrating. Forget about your teammates. It's all about the individual who scores and sliding on the grass, pulling up his shirt, rolling around, beating his chest and otherwise drawing as much attention as he can to himself. Yeah, that's it, it's all about me, myself and I. Then run around and celebrate with yourself. After all, it may be the only score of the game and you don't want anyone to think it is a team sport.

It's not, it's a national sport. It's all about nationalism. Like we haven't fought enough wars for that exact same reason. Let's be a better nation than you simply because we happen to score and you didn't. But, at least our American team got to wear our national Then when we got to wear white it wasn't with red and real blue. It was white but still black with some blue invented by Nike, of course.

Plus, one of the real bonuses is you don't even have to score a goal yourself. The other team can do that for you. That's perfect for us Americans. We'll take any kind of world charity we can get. The Italians score one for us and then we stall so we can get a tie. Why not? You know a tie is a tie is a tie. We don't win, but at least we tie and we're not the only ones, everybody else does it too. Except they probably get to score their own goal. What a deal. You don't even have to win and yet you still get to celebrate.

At least when I have watched either of the Husky soccer teams they try to score. That at least holds my interest because in our games we try to win by scoring more points. But World Cup isn't about that. It's about making sure the European teams advance and their governing body, FIFA, does a nice job of ensuring that. Of the 16 teams that advanced, 10 were European.

The Ukraine is the old European Russia and they got in by illegally hand deflecting a penalty kick and then tripping themself and winning on a penalty kick from 10 yards away. Like the goalie even had a chance. It not only looked absurd but obviously rigged. The brackets were rigged, the referees were rigged, and the French advance by beating Togo.

Come on!

That's another thing that gets me. The Europeans flat-out don't ever want the Americans to win. They stack us in a bracket with really tough teams so there is no way we advance. Come to think of it, I really liked Ghana. Their fans were so colorful and seemed like good, respectful opponents. I think I'm rooting for them from now on cause it's obvious all the Europeans are in on the fix. Talk about the fix. The referee who screws America had actually been suspended for fixing games in Europe. So they assign him to the Americans. Go figure. He makes sure Italy at least ties and then they kick him out again for being so crooked. Duh!

Obviously, I liked it more when the American women played. Not only do they get to win, but when they scored and pulled up their shirts it was really cool. In fact, I could become a real fan of World Cup soccer if they all played in the nude. That's it. Let's tie in the nude. Now that would be really, really cool.

So, no more faking and whining for me. I've had my fill for four more years. I'll be glad to get back to our own football. At least the only guys who fake an injury are the kickers, and come to think of it, most of them are soccer players too. Oh well, no more heading up to the pitch for a match for me. I quit. I'm taking my ball and going home. Because that's what we do in America, if we can't win or tie then we just go home.

At least I'll have that never ending memory of the announcers yelling and screaming, GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL. I like that. I don't understand it but then we don't expect to win anyway. We like to tie. Besides it may be the world's favorite game, but really, the game belongs to Europeans and they have every intention of keeping it that way.

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